Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

moneyistooshorttomention

Just nipping in to say to Kittie - sorry still no joy yet on the housing front. Difficult to try and wait patiently for "The One" - but my fingers crossed for you.

Personally - I doubt the number of the house was deliberately hidden. I've found, since moving here, that there are one heck of a lot of houses here that don't have numbers and it does make life noticeably more difficult to find a house. Much harder still imo - as so many of them are in Welsh (which means I promptly forget them the second I've read them). So - yep...I'm even more cynical than you as to what the explanation is for all these houses having names.

In the road I'm in - I think there's precisely one house with a number and I do get annoyed by having to explain carefully to everyone just where my house is. If they were all just numbered - I'd tear down my own house name and life would be simpler all round - but I couldnt even tell you what the number of my house is (or even if it has a number:eek:).

White_musk

Dull, dark damp day here, I long for some warmth and the sun. Winter and now an icky Spring is no good for the soul.

New vacuum arrived today and I'm thrilled and shocked in equal measure. I ran the old vacuum around yesterday and all looked nice and clean, I ran the new one round today and the amount of muck in the cylinder is quite horrendous. I have a moulty dog and thought the old one was doing a good job (it was a Vax) obviously not nearly as good as I thought. Still, I know it's properly clean now.

I have some steak cooking in the slow cooker in some yummy gravy, no idea what to do with it yet but I'll think of something. With the shopping came a lovely savoy cabbage with the lovely dark wrinkly leaves - the best bit. I also scored a bit of a bargain with the home delivery shop. I ordered frozen raspberries but they were out of stock so were substituted with a huge bag of mixed fruit - bargain.

Hugs.

lessonlearned

Horrible day here too. Been chucking it down with rain most of the day. And soooo dark. I have had enough. Bring me sunshine....now,!!!

Well here’s my news.

Had an EA round yesterday and have decided to dip my toe in the water and see if it sells. Photos being done next Monday to give me a few more days to get it market ready. Just a few tweaks here and there. Won’t cost much.

I have bookmarked few possibles on Rightmove have not bothered viewing anything yet. I,will wait and see if there is any interest on my house first before I get all excited.

The EA offered me a job. I laughed it off but she said I’m serious, give me a call when you are ready. Having thought it over I might just do that........see what they have to offer.

My course only takes one evening and will be finished by the end of June so I think I could manage part time, say 2 or 3 days a week.

It could be fun and of course the extra money will always come in handy. :rotfl:

I think my husband is guiding me. He would doubtless say why not give it a whirl, you can always jack it in if you don’t like it. :rotfl:

I really do feel that he is giving me a gentle nudge now, telling me to get on with building a new life. I have finally managed to dig out a photo of him. I’ve put it a nice frame and have it in my bedroom. It feels nice.

wort

My grief is running high, it's like I can feel it bubbling up ,and I'm close to tears , then I'm crying for over not very much. I'm hoping I'm feeling better by tomorrow as I have a full day in work.
Just when I feel I'm "being normal" hiding my feelings behind a mask, then this happens, I can't believe we are in April just a month away from the holiday last year that blew my life apart.
I'm so worried about money, I've been keeping my receipts for food and stuff, but even with basics it seems I'm always having to buy something. I try to leave a couple of weeks between trips and never waste anything but it's a struggle. At work they're moving everyone around again swapping dept, days , and hours it's so unsettling.
I'm really low, and wish I didn't have to go out of the house, but the emptiness today is really getting to me.
Sorry.

Elona_2

wort

I wish I could do something to help. Would phoning a friend or relative help or having the radio or tv on so you have a noise in the house and it does not feel empty be a help?

If you are trying to cut down on spending there are sites like approved food that are a lot cheaper and JackieO on old style has come up with a misers cookbook that can be accessed online. Shirley Goode has a blog that her family have left after her recent death, to help people.

Gentle hug

White_musk

Oh Wort, it's horrid isn't it? It still happens to me, the times between each breakdown do seem to be getting longer but when it hits - oh boy! Like Elona I wish there was something I could do. Losing a spouse hits hard and I don't know as we ever get over it. Big hugs.

[Deleted User]

It can get very lonely, always being on your own, I find it hard sometimes but try not to think of it when all I want to do is to get to sleep oblivion but it is too early.

Radio is generally very boring these days, I find my local radio is best or a welsh station, which has brilliant folk music at times but I cannot just sit there and listen otherwise I would fall asleep, so I spin, that is my hobby at the moment. My thoughts are almost always going around and I have conversations with my husband in my head. Last evening I would not have coped with that, so I watched a film via amazon fire. An officer and a gentleman, enjoyed it, went straight to bed and slept all night apart from one bathroom break. One thing I don`t do is take to alcoholic drink at any time or stuff my face after 5.30. I do have a GnT maybe once a month

If I wake too early and my busy mind won`t quieten down, then I reach my hand out and switch radio 4/world service on, too low to hear what they are saying but I concentrate on it and that sends me back to sleep

It is all about survival now, how to get through and it is very tough going

lessonlearned

Wort....sending you hugs.

Ladies.....it is so rough at times isn’t it. I was in tears last night and am not far off it again this morning. I think the long term loneliness is starting to sink in now. The worst of the initial shock and grief is over of course but it’s the long term that bothers me now. The where do I go from here, what do I do with my life, is this all there is. I just miss him so much.

I can tell you lot, you get it but there are very few people I can confide in in real life. I haven’t really tried telling people how I truly feel but I just sense their eyes would glaze over, they would get impatient and think it’s time I moved on. They probably think it’s nearly 4 years you should be over it by now.

Only other widows understand.

Even my boys, although they mourn their father they have moved forward in their lives, they have their girls and soon one will be having his first child. That is only right and proper of course, they cant live in the past.

And we know that really neither should we, but it is so hard to move forward. Sometimes I feel like I have been abandoned, a shipwreck washed up on some lonely shore. And it’s a lonely desolate place at times.

I know a house move will be the right thing for me, I have to do it I can’t stay here forever so I have decided to bite the bullet and do it sooner rather than later. But, if the truth be told, my stomach is in knots, I can’t sleep and I just wish I wasn’t doing this alone.

I remembered some sage words last night, something I think it was White Musk said, about not letting our children influence our choices. I was showing my youngest son some details of a possible house, outlining my proposals for how I would reconfigure the internal layout to future proof it. He was quite dismissive of my ideas so I decided not to discuss it further or allow him to sway me. I do know what I will need so I just kept my own counsel.

This house was a joint project so I made compromises. The next one will be mine so I shall do it my way.

It is incredibly dark and dismal here today, more like a January morning. I think these old properties can be a bit gloomy. Light will definitely have to play a very important role in my next house.

Perhaps we will all feel a little better when spring finally gets here. I do hope so.

[Deleted User]

lessonlearned wrote: »

if the truth be told, my stomach is in knots, I can!!!8217;t sleep and I just wish I wasn!!!8217;t doing this alone.......
sage words......about not letting our children influence our choices.... I decided not to discuss it further or allow him to sway me....... I do know what I will need so I just kept my own counsel. .

the loneliness could easily crack me up too and I think myself so lucky to still be young enough to do things, it must be impossible at an old age. My dear mil used to say that she hoped not to wake up on some mornings.

I cut and pasted because LL the above applies to me and I too thank WM for those words, she said what I thought but daren`t say, even to myself

I absolutely have to move forward via this potential new home, staying here would mean I was stuck. The house is beautiful, storage is brilliant but I want to get out on my bike, different places, not around the same (lovely) circuit each and every time. I want walking distance to facilities, village facilities but much better and I need to be future proofed

In the meantime, while I wait, I get prepared, bottom every room, one at a time, unscrew things, fill holes and touch up paintwark. Working the marie kondo magic when the mood takes me. I did that today and have ended up with a study/craft room that I would be proud to show to viewers.

Honestly local radio does help, there is power in cheery music, it changes brain waves. I couldn`t do without the radio

White_musk

I believe our children see things from their own perspective and it can be a very simplistic view. By listening to my children I lost thousands of pounds and my health suffered terribly. Now, while the money is lost, my health is improving daily because this move was my choice and they had no say what-so-ever. NOW my eldest realises this has been a fantastic move for me and is thrilled and relieved in equal measure DC3 is still not entirely happy I didn't 'trust' them enough to allow them a say although is slowly realising I did what I had to for me.

Most of my hobbies and interests are out of the home so when I moved I didn't have loads of hobby stuff to move, lots of books but I pared them down drastically. I can now go room to room and there is not a tiny bit of clutter anywhere, I can't afford to have it, this house is too small. One huge plus, I vacuumed around after breakfast after going round with an expanding feather duster bought for the blinds I had put in here, whole house done in less than half an hour including breakfast dishes and wiping the kitchen counters. I can't believe the difference. That is what happens when you do things that're right for you and don't listen to anyone else.

Loneliness is awful, even if we do go out during the day the evenings stretch ahead - empty. I did think about looking for someone else but I don't think it's for me. Firstly the sense of guilt would eat me alive, I would feel I was betraying my husband. Secondly after four and a bit years I've got used to my new normal which means I can do what I want, when I want, with whom I want. That would have to be curtailed. Then of course there would be (in time) possible co-habitation. I don't know if I could deal with that now.

Weather very grey and gloomy here today. I watched a little bit of the Commonwealth games and seeing all that sunshine made me long for some sun and warmth even more.