Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

Savvy_Sue

Huge love to you all Sammie, you are being very sensible going to see your GP, you are in new territory and it is all a huge shock. Yes, crying is exhausting. There are no magic fixes, but just take one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

sheilavw

thinking of you Sammie xx

crv1963

Don/t fear being open with your GP. Tell him/ her briefly that you are having these thoughts, that you don't like them and that you need a bit of support at this point.

Don't forget that some pleasure is allowed, a quiet smile, a nice comment etc., look for the simple things. Take care.

CRV

BucksLady

crv1963 wrote: »

Don't forget that some pleasure is allowed, a quiet smile, a nice comment etc., look for the simple things. Take care.

CRV

That's a really good point crv. When my grandfather died, my grandmother made a comment which I've often reflected upon. She said ''there's a time to laugh and a time to cry ; a time to live and a time to die''. Not her own words, but made a lot of sense then and they do today.


Sammie, I hope your GP is supportive and is able to give you the help you deserve xx

MrAPJI

Following my wife's death I actually felt very guilty about still being alive. I felt it was me that should have died. There was absolutely no logic to my way of thinking, but that feeling was so strong. I really had to push it to the back of my mind in order to move on with my life. I've spoken to a number of chaps who have also lost their wives and they also said that they felt the same way. Knowing that I wasn't alone, really helped

crv1963

BucksLady wrote: »

That's a really good point crv. When my grandfather died, my grandmother made a comment which I've often reflected upon. She said ''there's a time to laugh and a time to cry ; a time to live and a time to die''. Not her own words, but made a lot of sense then and they do today.


Sammie, I hope your GP is supportive and is able to give you the help you deserve xx

That is so true BucksLady, often those bereaved feel guilty about surviving and this snowballs each pleasure compounding this. It sometimes takes a detached stranger to point out, the loved one lost would not want us to stop living life, loving lifes' little joys.

Grief is a horrible experience and each person has to live their way through it their way, sometimes needing help, sometimes needing time alone.

Your quote makes absolute sense.

Mr APJI that feeling is common, especially with a sudden death as with a long illness subconsciously the mind can prepare for the worst outcome, and often the one left behind feels guilt.

When my Dad died after a long battle with cancer (having never accepted that he was dying) my Mum was helped by my taking her out to places he took her like Whitby, North Yorkshire villages. Also I returned to my home North East and he had never been to where I now live so she could (and does) come by bus to our home and spend hours pottering in my garden. Our home having no memories of him so she could make her own.

MrAPJI

crv1963 wrote: »

Our home having no memories of him so she could make her own.

Yes, I can really identify with this. Shortly following my wife's death I came to the conclusion that I would never be able to move forward unless I sold our home. It was just so full of memories of our life together and a constant reminder of what I had lost. I know friends/family gasped at me selling up so quickly, fearing that I might be making a big mistake. However, I knew it was the right decision for me.
CRV, I hope your mum is making lots of new and happy memories .

crv1963

MrAPJI wrote: »

CRV, I hope your mum is making lots of new and happy memories .

Hi MrAPJI I think she is, still in the same house but has a wider circle of friends, goes to keep fit 2 sometimes 3 days a week, I try to take her shopping once a week and she has a club she's been a member of for 40+ years so she goes out there weekly. They all usually go out for Christmas lunches, the odd Tea Dance, things Dad avoided like the plague!

In many ways life changes, but in many ways it doesn't, housework, gardening, sewing and knitting all keep her busy, so much so if I want to take her anywhere except on a Sunday I have to advise her in advance.

I was actually warned once by a Doctor that I worked with don't ever stop her doing anything because it is keeping active that keeps older people going, once the TV becomes your only company then you really are heading for trouble.

I did pay for her 6' hedges to be cut and some decorating as seeing a 79 year old up step ladders is quite anxiety provoking, only for her to then climb the ladders to hard prune an oversize tree in her garden! She's 80 next month and we're all going out for a meal to celebrate.

How is your recovery coming along?

BucksLady

crv, so pleased that your mum has moved forward in such a positive way. My maternal grandmother was exactly the same - so many clubs/activities to keep her busy and happy. However, my paternal grandmother was quite the opposite. She became very withdrawn (despite all our love and encouragement) and shortly afterwards died of cancer. It was very quick and up until that point in time she had never been ill. Her Oncologist told me that he believed it to be a 'bereavement cancer'. I had never heard that term until then.

crv1963

BucksLady wrote: »

crv, so pleased that your mum has moved forward in such a positive way. My maternal grandmother was exactly the same - so many clubs/activities to keep her busy and happy. However, my paternal grandmother was quite the opposite. She became very withdrawn (despite all our love and encouragement) and shortly afterwards died of cancer. It was very quick and up until that point in time she had never been ill. Her Oncologist told me that he believed it to be a 'bereavement cancer'. I had never heard that term until then.

I've never heard of the term either, I do know that people do give up on life, Dads Mum took to her bed when Grandad went into hospital with a prostate problem believing falsely that he would die.

He came out a few days later but she died in her bed a few months later- he lived another 20 years and died at 99!

Depression in the elderly is much more easily recognised these days, but some do give up on the will to live still. I have come across people who refuse treatment for serious illness because they feel their life is over, no amount of reasoning making any difference.

Thankfully as a society we are so much better informed these days and attitudes/ activities are so different, looking at pictures of my grandparents at my age now they all look so old! These days fitness and keeping going are cheap and better organised than even 10 years ago. Access to healthier foods must also play a part as well as reduced smoking.

My mothers idea of hell is going into a Nursing Home listening to the old songs from the war, she danced to Cliff Richard and the Shadows in the Dance Hall and was banned by her father from listening to Elvis on the radio "because he was too suggestive!"