helping a teenage son

PeacefulWaters

There's nothing wrong with him.

Let him be the individual he is.

OldMusicGuy

Like many others have said, why is making friends such an important thing? I'm 60 and just about to retire after a successful 40 years in business, and after all that time I have a grand total of two people that I would count as friends (edit, three, I just remembered another one). I have acquaintances through hobbies that I can pass the time with, but they are definitely not friends. My wife and I rarely have people round for dinner and we both hate parties and social events. We like spending time on our own at home. Are we weird or normal?

As long as your son is happy, why worry? If he would prefer to have more close friends then maybe you need to do something to help, but if he is happy as he is, then I don't see a problem. He won't spend his life with his schoolmates, they will probably disappear from his life pretty soon.

Our son sounds pretty similar to yours. University was the making of him - he formed stronger bonds there with people that had a lot more in common with him than his schoolmates, and of course he shared accommodation with some of them. He only still sees one person he was at school with (and he went to the same Uni as my son).

PS Although I just realised that people posting on internet forums might be a self selecting group of introverts. The extroverts are probably all out there at a party somewhere...... :rotfl:

Spendless

I could have written your post and used to worry in the same manner.

My son is almost 18. I'm guessing yours is in yr11, possibly in first year of sixth form from your mention of school?

Mine left school after GCSEs. The school he attended didn't have a sixth form and he had no interest in studying for A levels. Instead he went to do a computer course at an FE college and it was there that he found friends. I believe it was because at that point he was mixing with like minded people he had something in common with rather than making friends with people who lived geographically close or were born within a few months of him. (At FE college several of his friends are older). He doesn't keep in touch, not even on social media with anyone from his school-days.

Mine still doesn't have loads of friends, but he has a few he socialises with. One of the others tends to be the instigators of meeting up and going out.

Your son may well be the same and start making friends at a later life-stage.

Primrose

Some possible hints here

http://ideas.ted.com/5-simple-tips-to-help-you-have-a-real-conversation-with-a-teen/

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

From working with them, I'll give you a few (bluntly worded) alternative explanations;

1. He's a bit of a prat/Mr Perfect. In this case, it's his own fault and he'll either tone it down or he'll find more people like him once he's at college/uni instead of school.

2. Everybody else is a bit of a prat because he's got so much going for him. In this case, he'll find more people like him once he's at college/uni instead of school.

3. It's a mixture of him being a bit of a prat and being surrounded by other teenage prats. In this case, they'll both tone it down and find people more like each other once they're at college/uni/work instead of school.


You can't make friends if, as more than one kid at school has said, you feel like you're surrounded by idiots. And when you've got more than one kid saying it, they still don't have to make friends with one another because they could still be fundamentally too different to ever get along; not particularly liking anybody else isn't a firm basis for friendships outside American High School movies.


4. He's just not met anybody that he's 'clicked with'. usually reserved for talking about the opposite sex, but equally applicable to friends. No fault on either side. That should improve once he's at college/uni/work and out of school.

5. He's not particularly interested in being friends with anybody outside team sports and prefers online conversations, gaming or just chilling on his own. That might change as he gets older, it might not. And if he gets himself a girlfriend, you'll probably wish it was back to how it used to be after a few weeks of him glued to his phone all day and night, constantly out and disinterested in anything you can offer.


At no point does any of this suggest a disability such as ASD.

FBaby

his is so me! After having to "deal" with people all day in work, there is nothing I love more than closing my front door in the evening and not have to go to the effort of speaking to anyone and making small talk.

Just picking up on this as this is exactly what my DS said to me when we spoke and I told him I was a bit worried about him locking himself in his room being a sign that he was feeling low, rejecting people around him etc...

He said exactly that, that although he is very sociable on the outside, makes friends easily, has always been very popular amongst his peers, he always look forward to coming home and retreating into himself. It made me realise that I am a bit like this too and so is OP, and that's the reason why we never have people over and feel very invaded when people show up to say hello without planning it in advance.

So yes, I think it might be a personality thing in which case it's nothing to worry about.

chelseablue

I'm 34 and don't talk to anyone I went to school with, the very few friends I have I've met at work

I would try not to worry (although I have a 3 year old and I'm already worrying about him starting school and not having any friends! :rotfl:)

Mr_Costcutter

Is he your 'only' child?

bmthmark

My son is 15 and is exactly the same. He plays for a local football team and does running but nothing else. He never meets up with anyone and the only communication he does with friends is via social media.
I struggle to get my head round this because when I was young I was always out messing about with friends.
It seems a lot different nowadays.

Personally I don't think its great but no matter what I say to him, nothing changes.

onomatopoeia99

bmthmark wrote: »

I struggle to get my head round this because when I was young I was always out messing about with friends.
It seems a lot different nowadays.

It's different in part because new methods of communication allow those with a greater need for solitude to maintain connections with their friends. We aren't all social butterflies flitting from one gathering to the next, nor do we want to be.

It gives children more opportunity to be themselves, rather than trying to fit into some "perfect child" mould their parents want to squeeze them into, and I think it's a good thing.