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helping a teenage son

this is personal but I'm not sure where to start. I have a teenage boy (16) who on the outside is very confident, tall, athletic and quite handsome, bright too but he's never made friends. He does social things that we organise and take him to like playing for football team (well) and swimming for a club competitively where he's the life and soul.

But after school or sports he never sees anyone, no one calls him and he never goes out with anyone.

He's pretty rude at home and cheeky, but hey that's not unusual.

My gut instinct is he just just not know how to make friends, and alienates others by taking the !!!! or being a bit mean. This never crosses a line into bullying though.

We did have a child psychologist look at him many years ago and they found no issues.

Help ! where do I start ? Of course we worry a lot as parents.

thanks

Iain
«134

Comments

  • Have you asked him? Do you and he (alone) do things together? Do you have friends with sons a similar age?
  • vansboy
    vansboy Posts: 6,483 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts
    You should have a young peoples mentoring services locally, the council will be funding some sort of charitable organizations, somewhere in their budgets, ask at town hall customer services.

    I worked as (volunteer) mentor, for a few years, working with youngsters like your lad, as well as those with a zillion other issues. It was supported by a church organization BUT NOT bible bashing, or in anyway linked to specific religious beliefs.

    There was sometimes a waiting list for mentees to be placed, due to lack of mentors. The commitment, totally free of any charges, was to support a nominated youngster for a weekly hour or so 1-2-1 session, for a year. This could be ended (or extended) at anytime, by either party, of course, but usually there would be additional meetings and group get togethers with other mentors/mentees, in addition to the committed weekly appointment.

    I'm proud to see how mentees would progress, during and after the relationships and was tremendously rewarding for each of us.

    VB
  • littleredhen
    littleredhen Posts: 3,302 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    a lot of teenagers are on social media in their bedrooms rather than the thing we used to do which was go to each others houses, is this happening maybe?
    The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open.:o

    A winner listens, a loser just waits until it is their turn to talk:)
  • thanks for all yr replies. we do things like go to the football together yes. he is on social media quite a lot but seems incapable of acting forming friendships away from school. he's fine at school, loads good feedback from other kids while there.
  • Gavin83
    Gavin83 Posts: 8,757 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Is he bothered by this? Some people just like their own company more than others.
  • Gavin83 wrote: »
    Is he bothered by this? Some people just like their own company more than others.
    I was one of them.
  • Have you ever thought of looking into Aspergers - it sounds like he has some of the traits? Both of my boys were diagnosed as adults, and looking back now if I had known the signs I would have looked into this earlier.

    Their biggest struggle is and always has been socially.
  • onomatopoeia99
    onomatopoeia99 Posts: 7,185 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    edited 24 January 2018 at 8:59AM
    If he hasn't stated any concern about this himself, then don't worry about it. He might just be an introvert and need time away from people.

    I didn't understand that about myself until I was in my thirties, the need for solitude after being in a social environment..
    Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 2023
  • Flick216
    Flick216 Posts: 8,955 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    I was one of them.
    Gavin83 wrote: »
    Is he bothered by this? Some people just like their own company more than others.

    I second these - it's possible that he's just happy in his own company. Society seems to place a lot of pressure on having loads of friends, a thriving social life etc.... that doesn't suit everyone.

    My oldest son is always out with friends and that makes him happy. My youngest likes to be in his room, with his xbox and laptop, often playing online games with friends - but he doesn't like to go out and socialise.

    I prefer being at home on my own - I would quite happily leave work on Friday and not see or speak to another person until Monday morning.

    The important thing is to ascertain if he is happy not socialising. If that's what makes him happy then good for him!
    ENFP - Assertive
    Officially in a clique of idiots
    Smoke me a kipper; I'll be back for breakfast
  • Flick216 wrote: »
    I prefer being at home on my own - I would quite happily leave work on Friday and not see or speak to another person until Monday morning.
    I often do, with the possible exception of buying a pint of milk at the corner shop. The world can carry on without me!
    Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 2023
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