Child care after separation / divorce

elsien

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

However, the solicitor has told me that as they will not be with someone with parental responsibility, and I am available then it is not acceptable. The fact that I put the baby in childcare on the days I work is acceptable as neither of us is available. I thought I would just let you know the outcome.

My ex SIL tried this one on with my brother and tried to dictate that the children had to be with him and could not be with any other family members including grandparents. Which was clearly a nonsense and the court agreed otherwise. Just to give an alternative viewpoint here.

Comms69

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

One quick addition to explain my reasons for not wanting to work full time. I work for a Merchant Bank, I have a large amount of experience and have worked there for over 8 years. I work Monday & Tuesday, my salary is extremely good for two days. I am happy there and enjoy the work. Having tried to see if I can get another job it transpires that I would not be able to get an equivalently paid job by working 36 hours.
My current job is Job share so it is not possible to do more hours. I see no point in working more hours for less pay. Even the government accept that children under school age are better with their mother, that is why they don't insist on women returning to work until they are older. Once again, thank you for any advice.

The govt accept no such thing, nor do they insist anyone works.


However if you want taxpayers to fund your lifestyle, then that's different.

TBagpuss

MataNui wrote: »

Ever met one? Not yet found one who wasnt out to line their own pockets, even telling flat plain lies to do so. Had to use them for house purchase, had experience (not my own) from a divorce and a couple of times for probate.

Yes, very regularly. Solicitors are running a business and like any other business want to make a profit, however, since lying is something which would be a very serious matter and would be likely result in a solicitor being struck off, losing their livelihood and probably facing significant costs as well, they tend not to do it.

If you actually had the misfortune to deal with a solicitor who lied, then I hoe that you reported them. However, one bad experience is not a valid reason to attack an entire profession, most of whom are honest people who will work in the bests interest of their clients.

It is worth bearing in mind that solicitors are generally dealing with people during very stressful events, and often have to give unwelcome or unpalatable advice, often about complex and/or emotive issues, so even where the solicitor does their job very well, the person can still be left with negative feelings about the experience.

It isn't helpful to undermine someone's confidence in their solicitor based on your personal antagonism towards an entire profession.

unholyangel

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

The reason I don't want her to have my children is because she is the cause my marriage ended, between him and her my marriage was ruined

I know someone else already summarised this but the only person to blame for your husbands infidelity is your husband. She may be symbolic of that betrayal but she wasn't married to you, she wasn't the one who promised to love/cherish/honour/whatever your vows said. It shouldn't have mattered if she threw herself naked at your husband, he should have said no.

I believe you also said he has a history of it. Silver lining in your life being turned upside down is that you're no longer wasting your life on someone who clearly didn't have any respect for you or the marriage you shared.

elsien wrote: »

My ex SIL tried this one on with my brother and tried to dictate that the children had to be with him and could not be with any other family members including grandparents. Which was clearly a nonsense and the court agreed otherwise. Just to give an alternative viewpoint here.

Thats the childs family though - its in the childs interest to have a good support network of extended family.

Which is what i think tbagpuss was getting at. In the circumstances OP describes you have 2 options:
1 - child spends time with mother, dad has to pay more maintenance
2 - child spends time with someone who is no relation to them and dad saves a bit of maintenance

Obviously option 1 is better for the child and is the current option. Dad looking to change the option to something thats better for him but not the child....

maman

It does seem illogical that OP chooses to put the baby in childcare on the days she works and then stays at home alone when the baby is with the dad.

It does seem to weaken the case as IIRC the children are with the dad for full days including overnight, not just working hours.

I don't get OP's reasoning for working part time. It can't be wanting more time with the baby as it reads as if she only has one day a week with him. She could save on childcare by asking the dad to have the baby on her working days.

gaily

I am a single mum to 11 year old twins. I get no maintenance or assistance from my ex (married for 14 years). He has them 50% of the time.

He thinks that as I get the benefits (which don't amount to much as I work full time and have a reasonable job) and he has them 50% of the time that he shouldn't give me anything. Personally, I don't want his money but he also thinks I should supply all their clothes, pay for school lunches, scouts, and anything else they need - as these almighty benefits cover everything. I get these things as I am their mum - and would go without myself to give them what they need. He doesn't realise that as I work full time, that they don't even cover childcare (he works longer hours than me, and they are in childcare while he has them too, on my bill )

We recently had a falling out over childcare, I advised him I couldn't afford an extra £96 monthly for an extra afterschool club per month (1 day per week, 2 kids, 4 weeks in a month @ £12 each per session) as his work pattern had changed - he was not prepared to pay for anything extra and he advised me that he should 'take control' of the benefits, administer them far better than me, and give me the remainder!?!

I left him, and moved out of the family home to prevent any ability he had to 'dictate' who I should or shouldn't have under my roof, and even now, he thinks I am sleeping with every male friend I have - (many of whom are happily married). He no longer has control over me though. I am now happy.

Be glad you are out of the relationship. Be happy in your new relationship - and tell your ex, that he has chosen someone new, as have you. If she is to have contact with your kids, so should your new man. The fact he is paying the mortgage is due to the kids and you looking after them, not because you need a 'fancy life' on his ticket. A solicitor might be needed to get through some of the issues.

chelseablue

gaily wrote: »

I am a single mum to 11 year old twins. I get no maintenance or assistance from my ex (married for 14 years). He has them 50% of the time.

He thinks that as I get the benefits (which don't amount to much as I work full time and have a reasonable job) and he has them 50% of the time that he shouldn't give me anything. Personally, I don't want his money but he also thinks I should supply all their clothes, pay for school lunches, scouts, and anything else they need - as these almighty benefits cover everything. I get these things as I am their mum - and would go without myself to give them what they need. He doesn't realise that as I work full time, that they don't even cover childcare (he works longer hours than me, and they are in childcare while he has them too, on my bill )

We recently had a falling out over childcare, I advised him I couldn't afford an extra £96 monthly for an extra afterschool club per month (1 day per week, 2 kids, 4 weeks in a month @ £12 each per session) as his work pattern had changed - he was not prepared to pay for anything extra and he advised me that he should 'take control' of the benefits, administer them far better than me, and give me the remainder!?!

I left him, and moved out of the family home to prevent any ability he had to 'dictate' who I should or shouldn't have under my roof, and even now, he thinks I am sleeping with every male friend I have - (many of whom are happily married). He no longer has control over me though. I am now happy.

Be glad you are out of the relationship. Be happy in your new relationship - and tell your ex, that he has chosen someone new, as have you. If she is to have contact with your kids, so should your new man. The fact he is paying the mortgage is due to the kids and you looking after them, not because you need a 'fancy life' on his ticket. A solicitor might be needed to get through some of the issues.

I must say it sounds like your better off without him! Have you thought of going to the child maintenance service?

gaily

chelseablue wrote: »

I must say it sounds like your better off without him! Have you thought of going to the child maintenance service?

My life is easier the less he is in it. I'm working on the basis that if he disappeared tomorrow, I wouldn't miss what I don't have!

Scottish_Banana

You say that what is best for the children is your main concern. Much as it will tear you up inside, what is best for the children is letting them have a relationship with who is essentially their stepmum. If your ex has been with her over a year now, living together, she's not some random he's picked up at the weekend. I'm sensing from your replies that you are worried your baby will develop a close relationship with her and it's understandable that this frightens you when you feel this woman has ripped your life apart. She didn't, that was your ex. I'm not suggesting you need to be friends but you do need to accept she is in your children's lives for now and make things as best you can FOR THEM. You don't say much about your older child but I'd imagine they're picking up on your anxiety and may have feelings of guilt, stress etc - particularly if they like her - which isn't fair. Unless you suspect they are at risk of some sort of harm being with her, you can't stop them spending time with her, sorry.
It may have been mentioned already but wouldn't the best solution for everyone be - if you can't change your work days to those where your ex has the kids - that your ex changes his days with them so he has them while you work & you are with them on your days off? I think this would help a great deal - not just financially - if you have work to distract you you may not fret so much and can enjoy your days off by being with the kids a bit more.
Re your husband controlling who you see etc - this needs to stop, tell the police again, this is not acceptable. Make sure your solicitor knows too. Consider selling the house and splitting proceeds 50/50 (your solicitor will advise) if you can't afford it on your own, this will help long term.
Afaik re maintenance - if custody is a true 50/50 split then legally there is nothing due however I do know from friends who have divorced that a contribution is usually made by the father anyway to help with clothes, clubs, school expenses etc - this is something that would need agreed via the solicitor though.
I hope you come to an arrangement that you feel comfortable with.