Child care after separation / divorce

Cheeky_Monkey

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

I have already met someone else. The affair began when my baby was 2 months old, (he has a history of adultery). We split in January last year, and I met someone in July this year. He is NOT allowed into my home as my ex says he can dictate because he pays the mortgage. I have texts from him saying that he will "deal with him" if he comes around. He periodically comes round when I am alone I suspect it's to see if he is there.
The police have already been involved because he went to his elderly parents house threatening the fight him.
It's all about money to him. If he chooses to move out of the area then that is his problem to deal with as I intend to remain in the same area.

With regard to the comment about DLA, I am using my mums account on here, so any previous posts, have not and should not be included or commented on.

In which case it's probably best that you register your own account instead of using your mum's.

Btw, the facility to find OP's other posts is available and used regularly by a lot of posters.

chesky

When my ex and I separated many, many moons ago, he tried to stipulate, via his solicitor, that nobody else could move into the house, even though I had half bought him out (he retained a quarter share). I was not seeing anybody else at the time and had absolutely no intention of ever living with anyone else ever again - on which, I’m happy to say I have not changed my opinion. However, I was insensed at his trying to control my life and told my solicitor to inform him of that. He backed down. They all try and get away with stuff.

Money_maker

He sounds a bit of a control freak then, I cant have you and no one else will either. You're well shot. Wait until you see the solicitor, he can help you sort things out. A complete split of the finances might be in order, whilst he's doing you a favour by paying the mortgage, he's using it to keep control over your life. As it stands, you should be entitled to start at a 50/50 split but I dont know how that would change if he pays your mortgage for the next 17 years.

gettingtheresometime

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

I have already met someone else. The affair began when my baby was 2 months old, (he has a history of adultery). We split in January last year, and I met someone in July this year. He is NOT allowed into my home as my ex says he can dictate because he pays the mortgage. I have texts from him saying that he will "deal with him" if he comes around. He periodically comes round when I am alone I suspect it's to see if he is there.
The police have already been involved because he went to his elderly parents house threatening the fight him.
It's all about money to him. If he chooses to move out of the area then that is his problem to deal with as I intend to remain in the same area.

With regard to the comment about DLA, I am using my mums account on here, so any previous posts, have not and should not be included or commented on.

So play him at his own game until you can get some proper legal advice. Don't have the boyfriend around but that's not to say you can't go out, with the children, with him or be with the boyfriend in the presence of the children.


(though I have to say if you've moved on, your objection to the girlfriend being in their company is on shaky ground).


Make a list of everything you want to ask the solicitor including what he can and can't insist on.

Cheeky_Monkey wrote: »

In which case it's probably best that you register your own account instead of using your mum's.

Btw, the facility to find OP's other posts is available and used regularly by a lot of posters.

You don't necessarily have to actively search for other posts...if you 'visit' other boards then sometimes a username will stick and when you come across then a post with conflicting information you do question it

Comms69

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

Don't be confused, it's not relevant as it's my mums MSE account. Not sure why you looked anyway???

Because it helps to tailor advice?...

FBaby

This thread is very confusing. So you've been separated for a year now. What has been the arrangement so far in terms of childcare when they are with him? Or has been paying for childcare but she's now agreed to look after them?

You've met someone you've moved on so you need to to see it that she's done you a favour. I assume with the divorce underway you might have to sell the house now.

I don't think you are in a position to demand that he pays for childcare and the full mortgage and maintenance when you could do the same than him and look for a full time job.

heavenfire

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

yes she is the cause of the divorce but if (and I appreciate it's a big if) she remains with him, then the children's life events (birthdays, school events, family events) are going to be a nightmare for everyone, especially the children.

Actually her husband is the reason and cause for the divorce

FBaby

What is your solicitor telling you?
So many options. Are you happy for the house to be sold and move elsewhere, maybe with your new partner? If that's the case, then the start in division of equity will be 50/50. You might be more.

If you want to remain in the house, and somehow this is agreed by the judge against his wishes due to the children being young, it is likely that he wouldn't be expected to continue to pay the mortgage, or at least not if/when your new partner were to move in with you in the house. Again, whether he would be liable to continue to pay the full mortgage, half or nothing might depend on maintenance arrangements, pensions etc...

As to maintenance, the system doesn't cope well with a 50/50 arrangement. In theory, he is right that it would mean no maintenance paid either way, unless you were to claim for one child whilst he claimed for the other and he demanded maintenance from you for one, you for the other, and as he earns more, he would have to pay more than you would have to pay him. You would however lose CB/tax credits for one child, so all in all, you might not be better off doing that.

he has decided to avoid paying any money to me, she will look after the children on his days while he is at work

Is this because currently, you are paying for the full childcare, even when he works but you are paying the entire fee? Are you claiming the full fee in tax credits back? So is the issue that if she looks after the children, he won't give you anything towards the childcare bill but also you'll lose out in tax credits?

Whatever the reason, you can't dictate that she can't look after the children when they are with him. Affairs and divorce are very emotionally painful, but the only way to heal is to move on. I hope things progress well with your new partner so you can indeed look back and see that your husband really did you a favour, but either way, you'll have to accept that this woman will become involved in the life of your children, just like your new partner will be.

Kitty_Kat55

Cheeky_Monkey wrote: »

In which case it's probably best that you register your own account instead of using your mum's.

Btw, the facility to find OP's other posts is available and used regularly by a lot of posters.

I fail to see the relevance. If you have nothing constructive to say then I see no point in adding to this post.

Comms69

Kitty_Kat55 wrote: »

I fail to see the relevance. If you have nothing constructive to say then I see no point in adding to this post.

The relevance is that sometimes people post important things which then don't get mentioned. Would you prefer accurate advice, or people to simply agree with you?