Grown up children money off their dad after all these years

indiepanda

If there is a restraining order still in place I really think you should contact the police and let them know as a precaution. You can't know why he sent the money but there is a risk his intentions are not good and the fact he has gone to the trouble of finding out your address is concerning. Given the threats were also made against his daughters, perhaps the restraining order should be extended to also prevent him contacting them?

Comms69

indiepanda wrote: »

If there is a restraining order still in place I really think you should contact the police and let them know as a precaution. You can't know why he sent the money but there is a risk his intentions are not good and the fact he has gone to the trouble of finding out your address is concerning. Given the threats were also made against his daughters, perhaps the restraining order should be extended to also prevent him contacting them?

It's 17 years.


A judge wont be granting that unless there is a current threat.

Callie22

I had a similar situation. I asked my mother to open the envelope and donate the money to a local charity, I don't even know how much there was. I believe that my father was aware of this - certainly there have been no further cards or letters sent to me. I don't need or want the money or any contact (or the baggage that would come from accepting the money!) but ultimately that was my choice. I would have been annoyed if my mother had either accepted or rejected the money on my behalf.

Fireflyaway

He could have turned a new leaf and want to try and make amends or he could be trying to get back on the scene and have nasty motives. How long was the restraining order for? I'd be concerned he knows where you live.
Your daughters are grown up and can decide, but do they know the full extent of what he did? Just so they can make an informed choice and stay safe if next he suggests meeting or something.

coolcait

It might be a nice gesture.

It might be a not-so-subtle way of saying "I know where you live".

It's probably best to error on the side of caution.

After all, if the ex wanted to make a nice gesture, against the background of a restraining order, he could probably have found a better way of doing it.

badmemory

A £100 is just making a point, £1000 may be seen as an attempt at redemption.

keith969

badmemory wrote: »

A £100 is just making a point, £1000 may be seen as an attempt at redemption.

Last time I checked, you couldn't buy redemption.

JayJay100

The trouble with this is that we're all guessing: you knew the horror of a man from 17+ years ago, but not the man he is now. Could he have changed? Maybe, but we don't know. Will he have changed enough for you to be happy with him having contact with your daughters? Odds on that one are a resounding 'no', based purely on the things that you know he was capable of, all those years ago; scars from that sort of treatment, whether they're mental, physical or both, will always be there, and will always have an impact your judgement: how could they not?

There's a chance that seeing you has made him realise what an idiot he's been, and how much he's missed out on, which is a lot. Did he try to approach you at the event? If not, that could show a degree of respect for you and your feelings. Yes, restraining orders can be indefinite, but I'd be surprised if it was that, which stopped him approaching you. To me, I think he's testing the water, with a view to trying to re-establish contact with your daughters. Did he include a note? Are they aware of what he put you through? Sending money to your address, wasn't ideal for you, but it could have been thoughtlessness on his part, rather than an 'I know where you live' gesture: let's be honest, he could have achieved that with just a Christmas card or a note, or he could have turned up on the doorstep.

Only time will tell what he's up to, and only your daughters can decide what they want to do in the long-run, if there's any more contact. All I would say is try not to worry, and don't let him take any more happiness away from you, than he already has.

Good luck!