What to do, At a crossroad in life.

Attila_the_Bun

neneromanova wrote: »

I know that my parents will disown me. They are very stubborn and hold grudges very easily.

It's a shame you've chosen to go into business with them, then.

Two (opposing) schools of thought really:

1) never mix business and family
2) keep it in the family

In your case I think 1) applies!

1886

I think you need to lay things on the line with your dad

Sit him down and make him aware that your husband can't cope with the workload, is unhappy which is then effecting you also and that ultimately this may lead to you relocating with husband getting a new job

If your parents are stubborn and don't listen then it's time to get tough with them and make them listen to what you have and need to say

I can't imagine that they would be very happy about their daughter, grand children etc possibly moving so it's in their interest to work with you and to try and make things better

Fireflyaway

Working with family is hard! I think you need to think long term. Similarly my family originates from Cornwall (Bude) but came up to Berkshire (slough) for work. A couple of generations on we stayed in the home counties as job wise there wasn't much happening in Cornwall. Its tough in old age too. My nan really struggled to get medical help and do shopping etc down in Cornwall being quite remote. You don't have to cut ties but I do thinking easier to get on up here. Your kids will thank you and moving at their ages is no biggy. They will soon settle.
I guess your dad might be upset initially but he will want you to be happy. Just give plenty of notice. Reading has a lot of IT opportunities my husband was there for as bit.
It will be hard at first but long term it sounds the best move.

tealady

You, your husband and your children are a family.
As the grown ups you and your husband need to do what is best for YOUR family.
Sit down with your husband and ask what he wants (I am assuming he is the breadwinner here).
Kids are resilient, unless they are in important "exam" years then they should be ok.
Better have 2 happy parents at home than a stressful atmosphere.
Whatever you 2 decide I hope it goes well.

neneromanova

Thanks guys. We have sat down together a lot, and we communicate well, we just don't know what's best. But I think we both agree that neither of us are happy in Devon and would rather be closer to civilization. So we're going to wait til after Christmas and then sit him down and say this happens or we're off to find a better job. But in a nicer way. I really don't think he'll go for it though so I think Hubby will be looking for a better job in the not too distant future.

Ho Hum

In regards to my mother, she is all about the money. She's got to keep her horses and other animals fed. Plus with my brother still living at home (finally got himself a job at 27 so that's a bit better) and also my sister living there with her 2 kids from 2 different relationships and no job or partner and not paying rent/bills/food etc but still the sun shines out her rear (do I sound bitter :rotfl:). So basically we're working to run 2 households... She thinks that why pay for an office when they can just work at the farm and save money.

Primrose

Definitely sounds as if you’ve been subsidising their lifestyle options for quite a while with little concern for your own family needs and that without your business financial contribution things are going to have to change.

I suggested going the formal route because it sounded as if on previous occasions your informal pleas have not been taken seriously and it sounded as if your father needed needed a more formal approach to act as a wake up call. However you know your family best and obviously will want to avoid a rift if possible. I suspect though that they may still not take you seriously until it’s too late.

Having been subsidised to a substantial extent for a long time to and your husband will have to face their sense of betrayal when the hard realities start to kick in.

Keeping horses is a very expensive occupation/hobby however you do it and it sounds as if some fairly extensive financial readjustments will be needed on their part if you opt for an alternative life elsewhere. it does sound as if their business is not realistically viable without your input and sooner or later that is an issue they might have to have addressed anyway.

moneyistooshorttomention

From what you're saying - it doesnt sound like any amount of discussion (no matter how its phrased) is going to make a scrap of difference to your father on this.

In your position - I'd be making my plans and then tell your parents (yep...make that both of you together telling your parents) that:
- job lined-up
- house lined-up
- schools lined-up
- you ARE moving on x date

and say that you hope things will remain amicable between you - but this is something that you have to do. Explain your husband is earning a lot less than he could be earning and neither of you are happy in Devon and it's best for the childrens education to do so at this point (ie rather than leave it any longer).

Set a time limit on how long you are planning for your "bombshell visit" to parents to last (eg 2 hours and then you've got "another engagement" elsewhere you have to go to).

They are being very selfish pushing your husband so hard and depriving him of tens of thousands of £s he could be earning each year.

If you stay in current situation thinking "Oh well - 15 years down the line and we inherit the lot and then we call the shots" you may well find that that isnt what actually happened in the event and you'd gone through 15 years of further misery and being underpaid and it had all gone "straight down the drain" for nothing.

trailingspouse

Is your OH really in partnership with your father? Is it an actual partnership, or is it a limited company? If it's a limited, is your OH a shareholder, and what %?

If he is, then surely he has access to the bank account, the accountant, the audited accounts etc etc?

Is it just the two of them or are there other partners? Do they have regular board meetings, are things put to the vote?

A partner in a business can't just decide to not tell the other partner anything.

Your OH needs to start throwing his weight around and assuming the status that he legally has.

You sound scared of these people - so it may be for the best to move away and move on with your lives. But remember that your OH needs to make sure that he takes what's due to him from the business.

thorsoak

If your family should disown you, they would also disown their grandchildren ....most grandmothers would not do that.

My advice would be - encourage OH to check out the market, find out what sort of job he could get, how much housing costs would be, schools etc - then, when you have a full scenario, sit your parents down, show them the figures, and set out what would keep you tied to them/the family. Show them the figures as to how much you are subsidising the family - and put the ball in their court.

Good luck.

bagpussbear

Your dad sounds selfish and bossy, forgive me for saying.

I think you should do what is right for you, husband and children. Normally I would say to sit down with your dad and talk things through, but you've done that and he isn't willing to listen.

Seems to me there is only one way to go then.