What to do, At a crossroad in life.

neneromanova

I think this is just a rant, but I would like to know others thoughts as well please. Sorry, It's going to be long and very Waffley but I've just got so much in my head at once I want to cry.

Hubby is in a partnership with my dad for work. The business is doing great, but Dad has the say on nearly everything even though we're meant to be equal partners. He is the only one with access to the money too.

We're at a point in time where hubby has far too much work for one person to do and is regularly working late and is tired and just miserable. I can't do the work as it's far too technical for me, I've tried, it didn't work. He needs to take someone else on that knows what he knows to help but Dad just laughs it off and doesn't take it seriously. Also the internet is so bad at Dads house (4MB) that it doesn't help hubby work at all. Again that gets fobbed off to him "needing to have more patience". We think he does this as he's spending far more money than he lets on to run his huge farm and all the people living there (That's a whole other messed up story that I won't go into). Working out the finances ourselves from what we know comes in, there should be more than enough for another person.

Our goal was to grow the business, get a premises in the local town and just make the business big for us for later life when dad retires (Not for another 15 years). Dad doesn't want that. He's happy where he is.

Anyway, Hubby came home the other day saying he's had enough and is going to look for a full time job. He can get anywhere from £60k-£100k (currently on about £32k self employed) but obviously the massive draw back is working for someone after having worked for yourself. It would also mean moving up country.

When I was 15 I was dragged kicking and screaming down to Devon. Mid way through GSCE's and not knowing anyone. I'm 30 now and I hate being in Devon. I have 2 friends, there's nothing to do here apart from walk (great if you like that) or go to over crowded beaches in the summer. I just miss being back near where I used to live (Close to Reading). So I would definitely be up for a move back to near there. But we have the kids to think about. DD1 is in year 5 and obviously has her friends here (when they haven't fallen out, girls huh :rotfl:), DD2 is doing well in school and DS is only 4 so not really started anything apart from nursery. lol. I don't know if a move would be too much for them or not. I don't want to have the same thing happen to DD1 that happened to me and resent us for moving.

But if he work for a company, there's going to be a massive fall out in the family as hubby and I are pretty much keeping the business afloat at the moment. If we leave, a load of the customers would go somewhere else as Dad doesn't know how to code like Hubby does. And then dad would be screwed money wise. But We've tried talking to him and it's in one ear and out the other. Hubby hopes that by actively looking for another job, Dad might take him more seriously and let us make changes to the business, but I don't know if I want that anymore or want hubby to just get the employed job so we can move back.

I know this was long. And thanks for reading if you got this far. I know it's not massive problems to some people, definitely first world problems, but I just can't seem to shake this out of my head. Any advice?

paddy's_mum

Do what's right for your husband.

Fat lot of good Dad's nice bank balance and a thriving business are to you if your husband drops dead of a heart attack, walks out of the whole situation under the pressure of being constantly miserable or shoots himself due to stress and bone deep fatigue.

You and he made vows to each other not to Dad nor anyone else who isn't bothering to listen.

Good luck.

lika_86

By all accounts it sounds like you'd be happier and better off by moving. But only you can decide.

neneromanova

Oh definitely, Hubbys happiness and sanity comes first. Always. It's just hard as I know that my parents will disown me. They are very stubborn and hold grudges very easily.

maman

Looking at the age of your children, you could say to your parents that unless things change you're looking to move at secondary transfer time for your DD. That sort of calls their bluff but I think if they don't listen then you go through with it.

I did something similar when my DD1 was the same age (moved her across the country) and she settled in fine as everyone was making new friends in Y7.

paddy's_mum

neneromanova wrote: »

I know that my parents will disown me. They are very stubborn and hold grudges very easily.

Well, more beepbeep fools them, then!

Are they really stupid enough to lose their daughter, son in law and grandchildren for the sake of seeing reason and a bit of bending of the stiff neck?

If that truly is their attitude and perception of you and your family (who ought to be beyond price) then you are only making yourselves hostages to their whims - that could explode at any moment for some or no reason and I for one would not be walking on eggshells, damaging my husband while so doing, just to avoid being blackmailed by two people who ought to know better!

In your shoes, I would be questioning just how much they do (or don't :eek: ) truly love me.

krlyr

paddy's_mum wrote: »

that could explode at any moment for some or no reason

This is the key issue here. You have no security. Your dad could take offense to something minor - or even just blow up for no particular reason - at any point, and take everything away.

Build up security for your family. If that means your husband building a career, a pension, etc. somewhere else, and you getting the security of a mortgage and also your own career if you want it, go for it.

Your children are young and will adapt. Imagine if you wait until they're at GCSE/serious relationship/etc. age and your dad kicks off and you then have to face this decision then.


Can you even imagine this situation lasting another 15 months? Let alone 15 years...

peachyprice

Your husband and children are the future, you have to do what is best to keep them happy first, your Dad comes second now.

As for moving schools, I think as long as you move before your eldest moves to secondary school they will adjust just fine. It seems to be much harder once they're teenagers and set in their friendship groups.

paddy's_mum

peachyprice wrote: »

Your husband and children are the future

And this is the other key issue!

What does your husband want your own little family to do?

Primrose

I feel for you. Family working relatinships can often be difficult, especially if one person insists on hanging onto the reins, the decision making and the money.

Your loyalty lies with your husband. If his health and sanity is being affected and he is no longer happy you have two choices but you may wish to wait until after Christmas before you make the first move to avoid ruin8ng the festive season for everybody.

Tell your father together (and this is important) that for the sake of your own family sanity you need to sit down with him in the new year to formally agree a new way of working if the joint partnership to remain, otherwise the pressures of your husband will force you down an alternative employment route.

Write down the items for discussions and agreement and hand it to him so that he realises on him that he can no longer brush these items aside, I.e. he has reached the end of the road for obfuscation. Of course he is happy with current arrangements. He’s getting it all his own way, isnt he ?

list out:
1. Your hisband wants equal share of the partnership in all respects if he,s the main effort contributor.
2. Joint formal decision making on financial matters including being a signatory on the banking accounta
3. The business appoints an additional person to ease your husband’s workload. This may be part time BUT INSIST IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Fix a date for the meeting and also sit down with a projected completion date list so that actions with banks, solicitors can be set up to enact the new arrangements.

If your father is not amenable to this you have no alternative but to go the paid employment route, but would you necessarily have to physically uproot Yiurselves and move to another part of the country?

Where is your mother in all this? Does she have any influence over her husband? What would happen to the business if your father is ill or has a stroke? How could the business continue anyway if there are no powers of Attorney or your husband is not even a signatory on in the business bank account? It’s a totally incompetent and thoughtless way of running a business. It may be rural Devon but businesses everywhere need proper contingency plans. You also have no long term financial secueity or pension arrangements under the present arrangement?

This is going to be a hard one for you to tackle. Chat it over with your husbandover Christmas so you’re 100% certain you’re all focussed on the same objectives, and then tackle your father in the New Year.

Good luck. This is going to be a hard one but remember, you don’t want your husband collapsing with a stroke or a heart attack through job stresses. His and your family needs must come first.

FBaby

Your husband is unhappy, you don't really like it, your two youngest wouldn't be bothered, yet you are hesitating because your DD1 might miss her friends? I think there is no thinking about it.

We moved home when DD was in Year 5 and DS in Y2. DS found it the hardest, missed his friends, and yes, cried a few times. It lasted about 3 months and then totally forgot about his all friends and couldn't have cared less. DD also had to adjust and it wasn't easy to start with, but again, she made new friends and moved on.

Yes it was horrible seeing them so distressed at that time, but looking back, they learn such important social skills that has proven very helpful in adapting to secondary school, new activities etc...

Go for it!