Anyone else found it difficult to connect with OH family?

Legacy_user

Hey folks.

Having come from basically a 2 person family (myself and my mum), with very little father influence and no brothers or sisters I find myself very non other family orientated.

It can come across as stand offish which I think I have abit of a problem with anyway but I just don't value or see the need for OH to be constantly living in her families pockets.

They are a great family close 2 parents 2 kids family, absolutely no problems, no finances, no adultery nothing your perfect family.

However I just can't connect. I have abit of a language issue as they dont speak my language and I only speak abit of theirs but I honestly dont think it would make much difference.

I feel almost put out when we have to spend anymore than an hour or two there. If we do I usually end up going into another room to watch football. My OH has noticed and says it looks like a chore when we go there and being honest it is.

I'm just really not a family person. When I do visit my father its for an hour and home. If I visit an auntie or meet in the street it's 10-15 mins and that's it.

Has anyone else faced this and how have you improved the situation? Any books or methods you think would help?

System

Sorry i have also lost my mother 10 months ago so I am and would consider myself on my own family wise.

JayJay100

Is it just family, or can you be the same with friends?

System

To be honest I'm the type of person who has maybe 6-7 close friends. Apart from that everyone else is merely like an acquaintance. Someone to play against in tennis or someone to socialise a little with.

Very few people get into me emotionally. I would consider myself quite unemotional and I despair when people are over dramatic about their emotions. If I dont understand why someone is crying over their 2 week old bf dumping them I tend to have no time for them.

I would be also slightly socially awkward. If I know someone well or feel comfortable I am great to be with. However if I don't feel connected to someone I tend to be very stand offish.

I don't get uncomfortable with silence. I'm just abit of a weirdo lol

JayJay100

frannyj543 wrote: »

To be honest I'm the type of person who has maybe 6-7 close friends. Apart from that everyone else is merely like an acquaintance. Someone to play against in tennis or someone to socialise a little with.

Very few people get into me emotionally. I would consider myself quite unemotional and I despair when people are over dramatic about their emotions. If I dont understand why someone is crying over their 2 week old bf dumping them I tend to have no time for them.

I would be also slightly socially awkward. If I know someone well or feel comfortable I am great to be with. However if I don't feel connected to someone I tend to be very stand offish.

I don't get uncomfortable with silence. I'm just abit of a weirdo lol

That's not a weirdo, it's just a different approach, and one that I get, to a degree. My ex's family always felt over the top to me; quite loud, very huggy, loved nothing more than a party with loads of alcohol, photos at every opportunity, and if they could drag a karaoke machine out, so much the better: I'm quiet, don't really hug people, don't drink much, hate having my photo taken and can't sing for toffee. I'm sure you can imagine how well that went down.

With my ex, I came clean and told him how uncomfortable I was. We came to an agreement that I would attend all the parties, be hugged and have a few drinks, but I'd draw the line at photos and Karaoke. We had a safe word for when I couldn't stand it any more, and wanted to leave, but I didn't ever use it. Eventually, I got used to it; never loved it like they did, but could enjoy myself to a degree. It was never enough for his mum though; she thought I was stuck-up cow, and we never really got over that.

In the end, I think it's a question of how much you're prepared to do for your OH, how much understanding your OH has for your situation, and how much she wants you to do. Just because it's different to you, or you don't understand it, it doesn't make it wrong.

System

Yeah I see my OH and her family sometimes getting on like teenagers. My OH is 31 and when her parents still shout at her over stupid things. My relationship with my mother was quite formal. Close but no hugs, no I love yous. We knew we mattered to each other but neither spouted love and affection.

Probably as I am not like that at all. I believe if I have kids it will be different because I believe that I will think of it as a piece of me. Something that is mine and I can play an important part on the development. I don't want to be adopted into a family.

Life's been so complex for me like Every One has during a year or two where everything happens. Bad and good. Would love to pack my bags travel the world for a year or two and see what that experience brings personally and mentally. I think about it everyday but I also contemplate how lucky I am in my current position.

Late 20s crisis maybe lol.

thorsoak

My OH was an only child and his parents were both only children themselves - so he didn't even have cousins. I have 4 siblings - one older brother, three younger sisters, plus 10 assorted aunts and uncles and 10-15 cousins. Fortunately (for my OH) we didn't live close to aunts/uncles and cousins, but it was traumatic enough for him when we would visit my parents and, to be honest, he was upset at the lack of attention that his presence caused! It became somewhat easier once my sisters acquired boyfriends/husbands and he could have a little "tribe of outlaws" as he put it. Any antagonism in the relationship was in his head, and it was purely because he was used to being the centre of his parents' world, and he could not accept it that in a family of five, the centre of the universe was Mum!

Its different dynamics, that's all.

JayJay100

frannyj543 wrote: »

Yeah I see my OH and her family sometimes getting on like teenagers. My OH is 31 and when her parents still shout at her over stupid things. My relationship with my mother was quite formal. Close but no hugs, no I love yous. We knew we mattered to each other but neither spouted love and affection.

Probably as I am not like that at all. I believe if I have kids it will be different because I believe that I will think of it as a piece of me. Something that is mine and I can play an important part on the development. I don't want to be adopted into a family.

Life's been so complex for me like Every One has during a year or two where everything happens. Bad and good. Would love to pack my bags travel the world for a year or two and see what that experience brings personally and mentally. I think about it everyday but I also contemplate how lucky I am in my current position.

Late 20s crisis maybe lol.

Teenagers! That's a really good way of describing it. They too adopted of policy of whoever shouted the loudest won the argument. I wasn't used to that. As a family, I wouldn't say our relationship was formal, but we didn't shout; we sat down and discussed problems, and we'd always done that. Hugs were there if you wanted them, but only tended to be if I was poorly, which was my choice; quite strange in a way, as my mum is quite huggy with other members of her family. We never say we love each other, but there isn't a need to: we just know that we do.

Kids can be a bit of an unknown, and the way you are with them, might surprise you. I only have my step son, but the way I am with him, is completely different to the way I thought I'd be. I thought it would be a situation that was part of the deal of being with the OH; not really what I wanted, and something to be tolerated. I'd heard so many horror stories from my friends, who had taken on teenagers, there was a degree of dread there. Instead, we hit it off from day one, and I got an amazing addition to my life. The biggest shock to me was that I really did love him: not that I'd tell him, though. I do tell him that I'm incredibly proud of him, and I have been known to squeal down the phone when he's called with good news. Now that is weird for me.

If you've been through a bad couple of years, and you've suffered the major loss that you have, it can make you rethink everything. The pack your bags and travel thing can be a natural reaction, as a way of getting away from all the rubbish things that have happened/are happening. Have you always wanted to travel? Do you mean alone, or would you like your OH to go too?

Getting back to the OH's family, it's never going to be a natural fit for you. I think you have to accept that they are never going to change, and that you can't expect your OH to choose between you. Try and work out how much you think can tolerate, double it, and see if you could still cope. With my ex, it was worth it, because it was only one afternoon a week, plus a party or gathering every three weeks or so (felt like a lot more, at the time). I have to admit that when we broke up, I used the thought of not having to deal with his family as a major plus point, to help me through it.

ska_lover

I could have written your first post OP. My husbands family do everything together, where my family are very different.. almost cold


I find it suffocating and cannot get involved to the extent that the rest of them are, booking group holidays like the rest of them - one sibling even had a group honeymoon.


I even find a visit tedious as they are always extended, like six to eight hours - its a whole day gone! When I work 50+ hours a week, spending one entire day of a weekend sitting on someone elses sofa is ludicrous!!


I find myself making excuses sometimes, when I really cannot face it.


I feel awful as they are very nice people. I just feel disconnected and fake when I try

System

Jay jay, I've always had the real dream and urge to travel alone. I did do the working holiday thing to Australia and visited abit of S.E.A on the way.

However as I have got older and probably am creeping towards what i think would be my last few years to do an extended trip I think about it everyday.

I also now have the finances in place where i could go for 12-18months without work. I am very much a realist however when it comes to travel I sometimes dream of the map. Like going to lots of weird and wonderful places. Nepal and talk to the old climbers of Everest. The street people of India. Teaching English over a Chinese in Beijing. I read alot of travel books and although most are glorified I find myself getting inspired by the man/woman who packed in everything at 30 and travelled for 1-2 years or more and came across adventures and an appreciation of life or found a career they were passionate in.

Ska lover I get you completely. My biggest problem is I'd that I am the worst actor in the world. If when I am disconnected or bored somewhere my face may as well shout out, shut up people and let me leave. Lol.

I will always try to avoid big get togethers. My OH is very family orientated to the point where even now she likes going on holidays with them and stuff. It's a really good thing in my opinion but it just isnt me. Once I got 16 I no longer wanted family holidays.

When i compare my upbringing to my other halfs they couldn't be more different. The only similarity is we both went to university. The rest completely different. We like the same things in general sports, travel but whereas I want to go to obscure places of the beaten trek she wants the cities. I love cities too love the atmosphere but cities that aren't typical. You maybe belgrades/rigas/budapests as opposed to Paris/Amsterdam.

I guess too I feel abit guilty as I find it also hard to be ultra nice to other people's parents when I wasnt like that with my mother. I wasnt nasty but I just wasn't the lovey dovey son like my OH is with her family.

Christmas is coming which i think is why i posted this as to be honest I'm dreading it. It's sad to say but I'd rather be alone at Christmas than have big get togethers.

robpw2

my oh family dont want to know - they didnt even come to the wedding sadly religion for some is more important than there own children