Anyone else found it difficult to connect with OH family?

missprice

thorsoak wrote: »

My OH was an only child and his parents were both only children themselves - so he didn't even have cousins. I have 4 siblings - one older brother, three younger sisters, plus 10 assorted aunts and uncles and 10-15 cousins. Fortunately (for my OH) we didn't live close to aunts/uncles and cousins, but it was traumatic enough for him when we would visit my parents and, to be honest, he was upset at the lack of attention that his presence caused! It became somewhat easier once my sisters acquired boyfriends/husbands and he could have a little "tribe of outlaws" as he put it. Any antagonism in the relationship was in his head, and it was purely because he was used to being the centre of his parents' world, and he could not accept it that in a family of five, the centre of the universe was Mum!

Its different dynamics, that's all.

Meh you just managed to sum up my whole problem with my in-laws in one sentence. Damn you. I been an eon wondering why I don't much like them despite the fact they are so very vanilla and as inoffensive as can be. It's cos I am an only with no relatives to speak of, and they are a large ish family with countless uncles/aunts/cousins/2nd cousins etc.
I only go to the important events, a 0 birthday, a 0 wedding anniversary and the like. I even get out of Christmas. My OH can visit as often as he likes, I just don't go with every time.
To OP why don't you do the same, just not visit every event, takes the pressure off if you know you will only visit 2 or 3 times.

JayJay100

ska_lover wrote: »

I could have written your first post OP. My husbands family do everything together, where my family are very different.. almost cold


I find it suffocating and cannot get involved to the extent that the rest of them are, booking group holidays like the rest of them - one sibling even had a group honeymoon.


I even find a visit tedious as they are always extended, like six to eight hours - its a whole day gone! When I work 50+ hours a week, spending one entire day of a weekend sitting on someone elses sofa is ludicrous!!


I find myself making excuses sometimes, when I really cannot face it.


I feel awful as they are very nice people. I just feel disconnected and fake when I try

Oh, I'd forgotten the horror of this! We all went on holiday together and it was hell. My ex's mum marched into our bedroom with a cup of tea for each of us, and sat on the bed for a chat, not remotely phased by the fact I was starkers and trying to scramble under the sheet she was sat on. A couple of minutes later, the ex's dad wandered in and sat down too. At one point in the trip, my ex's sister wandered in wearing a very pretty top; I told her that I had one just like it, and she said she knew, and it was my top. They didn't mean anything by it, it was just the way they were.

System

Yeah it's funny like the contrast in family dynamics.

Funny old world we live in. I would love to only visit 2 or 3 times a year however another big problem is.......the only live basically a 1 minute walk away. Lol. Can't even go to the shop without bumping into them ans having a 20 minute conversation on the street. Just one of those things like but no doubt I may prove a problem later on down the road.

JayJay100

frannyj543 wrote: »

Jay jay, I've always had the real dream and urge to travel alone. I did do the working holiday thing to Australia and visited abit of S.E.A on the way.

However as I have got older and probably am creeping towards what i think would be my last few years to do an extended trip I think about it everyday.

I also now have the finances in place where i could go for 12-18months without work. I am very much a realist however when it comes to travel I sometimes dream of the map. Like going to lots of weird and wonderful places. Nepal and talk to the old climbers of Everest. The street people of India. Teaching English over a Chinese in Beijing. I read alot of travel books and although most are glorified I find myself getting inspired by the man/woman who packed in everything at 30 and travelled for 1-2 years or more and came across adventures and an appreciation of life or found a career they were passionate in.

Ska lover I get you completely. My biggest problem is I'd that I am the worst actor in the world. If when I am disconnected or bored somewhere my face may as well shout out, shut up people and let me leave. Lol.

I will always try to avoid big get togethers. My OH is very family orientated to the point where even now she likes going on holidays with them and stuff. It's a really good thing in my opinion but it just isnt me. Once I got 16 I no longer wanted family holidays.

When i compare my upbringing to my other halfs they couldn't be more different. The only similarity is we both went to university. The rest completely different. We like the same things in general sports, travel but whereas I want to go to obscure places of the beaten trek she wants the cities. I love cities too love the atmosphere but cities that aren't typical. You maybe belgrades/rigas/budapests as opposed to Paris/Amsterdam.

I guess too I feel abit guilty as I find it also hard to be ultra nice to other people's parents when I wasnt like that with my mother. I wasnt nasty but I just wasn't the lovey dovey son like my OH is with her family.

Christmas is coming which i think is why i posted this as to be honest I'm dreading it. It's sad to say but I'd rather be alone at Christmas than have big get togethers.

Have you told your OH how you feel? This is your first Christmas without your mum, and it wouldn't be unreasonable to do what you want to do this year. Does your OH understand how you feel in general? Are there things that can be compromised on? Find some middle ground?

As for the travelling, I would try and work out if it's a genuine desire, or a form of escapism. If it's a genuine desire, and you have the means to do it, you may find you become resentful if you don't do it.

I think that a lot of this comes down to how strong your feelings are for your OH.

System

Have always dreamed of travelling but I must admit it has gotten stronger so could easily be escapism. Or the sheer fact I'm 30, I have the means, I'm not sad or depressed here but I am what I consider at a crossroads.

It seems my choice is settle here accept life as it is and really consider do I want a family over the next 3-4 years or do I want that year or 2 travel to explore the world and everything it offers and maybe struggle to ever have a family.

Primrose

Franny, I read your other recent post and it seems this dilemma of settle and socialise, or escape and travel is still very much preoccupying you.
Have you ever been diagnosed as autistic to any degree. A lot of the traits you admit to ie, liking your own company, feeling uncomfortable with socialising etc often fall somewhere in this spectrum.

I think it’s time to be honest with your partner. Part of you just wants to escape and ai think if you don’t so your travelling now and get it out of your system it will slowly eat away at you. Your personality isnt going to change magically overnight. Of you’re struggling with these dilemmas in ten years time you going to become a pretty trapped and resentful person. It sounds as if you and your partner come from opposite personality perspectives in many ways. If you’re still going to have these feelings further down the line the good things about your relationship by then will probably have slowly eroded in an undercurrent of resentment that life is passing you by.

System

Hey not autistic at all.

I think it stems from being an only child. Being very comfortable with my own company. Dont get me wrong I like busy cities, I like a small social buzz. When I was younger I was comfortable in sports teams and was very effective.

I think as I got older I realised that I just didn't like everyone's fuss. I am quite a reserved unemotional person. I'm someone who doesn t get that excited by anything apart from travel and my favourite sports team. That's about it.

I have some big decisions to make regarding the travel but at this moment i have to balance a stable relationship and the goodness that brings combined with a few holidays a year.....or a long wanderlust travel without my other half that may or may not live up to the expectations but I will be able to sit in 5-10 years and say I had a dream and I lived it. And maybe now I'm 40 and on my own and things could have been different but who knows.

pinkshoes

frannyj543 wrote: »

However I just can't connect. I have abit of a language issue as they dont speak my language and I only speak abit of theirs but I honestly dont think it would make much difference.

I feel almost put out when we have to spend anymore than an hour or two there. If we do I usually end up going into another room to watch football. My OH has noticed and says it looks like a chore when we go there and being honest it is.

Could you not attempt to learn a bit of their language?

(I'm thinking she has foreign parents who live in the uk but haven't bothered to learn English??)

Going off into another room to watch footy is rude! Your OHs family is clearly important to her so I think you should make more of an effort.

Offer to make tea? Attempt to share their interests?

System

No I'm in their country have been just over a year. I can speak the basics and am doing 3 classes a week but it's not easy combined with working 40+ hours.

It's either go into another room or sit there with a sour face. Imagine sitting with say your bf/gfs friends all talking about football or something your not interested in. Now imagine they are speaking another language. Youd reach to your phone more often than once.

z1a

IMO all single children grow up odd.