How do you cope with loneliness?

[Deleted User]

Quote

I don't think it's only down to having people around, it's having the right people around; the people who get you, and have the ability to make things seem and feel better. It's finding those people, that can be so difficult.[/QUOTE]


This is so true, you can be lonely in a crowd as they say.


Its not just being around people we need its being around people we connect to.

chesky

The loneliest I ever felt was just before my husband and I separated. Even though we had lots of friends and acquaintences, I knew we were living a lie and couldn't talk about our problems. Even though I live alone now, I never feel so lonely. There's a difference (in your head) between loneliness and being alone.

Looloo4007

It's so sad how families don't speak for years ,ours have recently come together as my dad has just passed away but already I feel siblings competing to do the most for my mum,I have now decided to take a back seat as I have my own problems ie ,leaving my husband !

Looloo4007

I totally agree ,I feel so alone in this marriage ,I have started the ball rolling to sell the house ,already feel a little bit of myself coming back ,I should have done it years ago but I kept feeling sorry for him !

Looloo4007

I totally agree ,I feel so alone in this marriage ,I have started the ball rolling to sell the house ,already feel a little bit of myself coming back ,I should have done it years ago but I kept feeling sorry for him !

dunroving

Newbie_Ginnings wrote: »

Is there anyone who doesn’t have a family or anyone they “belong” to? My family have all either died or we don't speak and I’m really struggling to come to terms with being so alone. I lost my dad as a child and my mum 2 years ago. My siblings and I haven’t spoken since my mum’s death, and my daughter doesn’t want to see me after her partner did something that deeply shocked and hurt me. I don’t have grandparents, cousins or any other family.

I have been single for years after a couple of bad relationships that scarred me. Afterwards, I just wanted to concentrate on being a good mum, then in later years it was to build up my career and look after my lovely mum. Now I have no family and spend all my time alone.

I do have a group of lovely friends, but am very aware that they all have busy lives and don’t always have time to spend outside their families, although when we do get together they are wonderful. I find it hard to open up about how I am feeling, so they and my colleagues think I am fine. I get up every day and go to work, and make it appear as if everything is great. And to be fair, I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. Anyway, I am more of a listener than a talker. It just gets a bit overwhelming when I come home and am on my own again.

I do all the usual things, going to the gym, walk the dog, online dating etc. but it isn’t really the meeting people I am struggling with, it’s not having a family or anybody that I “belong” to that I am missing. I always thought that by now I would have a husband, more children, grandchildren etc. I have thought about volunteering but I work long hours and anyway I think my state of mind would be more of a hindrance than a help at the moment.

I have tried to reunite with my family especially my daughter but it is clear that they aren’t interested and I can’t face trying again only to go through the pain of rejection all over again. I’m in my 40’s and feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. I often go to bed hoping I won’t wake up in the morning. Losing the most important people in my life just hurts so much that nothing else really matters. I know I am still grieving for my mum – she was truly my best friend, but also feel like I am grieving for the relationship I used to have with my daughter too.

I do feel incredibly grateful to have a home, a job and no debt. I know things could be an awful lot worse and some people may think I have nothing really to complain about. I was just wondering if there is anybody else who is alone and has any practical tips on how to cope with the constant loneliness and sadness.

I think I just need someone to tell me to pull myself together
X

After a fair while on MSE forum, I just discovered this area (I didn't realise there were some non-financial sections!)

I feel like I could write a 10,000-word essay in response to your post, but will focus on just one thought.

This thread really resonates, as I have just come back from visiting an old friend who is 66 years old, and lives by herself. We see each other maybe twice a year, usually I visit her. She has never married and has no children, same as me. She has one sibling who is married with two children (i.e., her niece/nephew), same as me. She is pretty much retired, other than doing occasional work that involves her meeting clients. To the outside observer (me), she has a very busy social life as she is always out and about, visiting old friends, some of whom go back to school days. She is very engaged in local community stuff like trying to save the local library. She takes fairly regular trips to see old friends, or takes holidays with old friends.

That's the background to the fact that we often end up discussing how we feel about not having a spouse or kids, and no close extended family. Despite her very busy schedule, my friend feels quite lonely, especially when she thinks about the future. I think there is a somewhat understandable assumption that blood ties mean that someone is more likely to take care of you, whether that be listening to you blether on when you are sad, bringing you food and supplies if you are ill or recovering from surgery, or visiting you if you end up in a care facility.

I think this assumption about family is incorrect in an age where families are much more fragmented, and a society where "me first" seems to be the rule of the day. I'd say remember that friends are the family we choose for ourselves. If family let you down, work on developing your best friendships, and stop putting substantial time into relationships that don't fulfill you. It may simply be that your daughter needs time to realise that she needs you.

I recently retired from a job that included a lot of interpersonal interaction and now find myself with very little social interaction. Having moved home (country, town, house) countless times over the past 40 years in order to chase the job, I'm essentially rootless and am having to thoroughly re-evaluate these themes. Having been very nomadic, my good friends are scattered all over the globe.

I think there are a lot of lonely people, for reasons similar to the OP's and for other reasons. Family fall out, friends let you down, circumstances change. I've always felt that married people have it easy, because wherever they go and whatever their circumstances, they always have each other (and often kids) for comfort. However, I also reflect on the fact that I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship - and I know plenty of married couples who are more alone than I am.

Sorry, no magic bullet other than that you can't make someone relate to you and if we are going to survive, we have to put our energies into the relationships that give back.

SuperPikachu

I think I first felt alone when I moved from my home town. All the friends did the "we'll have to come see you!" thing and I used to go back home a few times at first to visit, but nobody ever came here to me.

Eventually I got quite fed up of it all being one sided and we just all lost contact and I do not speak to any of them now, they didn't even invite me to their weddings or anything.

I then tried to make a new friend group and so started going to a pub every day. Ended up befriending the local alcoholics and druggies and then stupidly started copying that to fit in better. Luckily I grew out of that and stopped going - They haven't, so now no longer see any of them.

I then even had issues at work with falling out with one of the popular people, who then seemed to turn the rest against me so had to just keep myself to myself there and not bother socialising with anybody. They left thank god and the more recent crowd are much friendlier.

Nowadays I just spend a lot of time alone if my girlfriend isn't about. I used to really care but I think I have gotten too used to my own company. I even get irritated sometimes when I have to go do stuff!(becoming a grumpy old man...)

For me I think the problem is probably me too. If you were to look at the autism spectrums "social issues" I can tick quite a few. Strange as I used to be really social and outgoing and now I can just be a total recluse without even thinking about it.

Not too sure where i'm going with this but that's a brief history of my social failings for the last 15 years Loneliness sucks! Guess we just have to try and make ourselves go do something/meet new people, and not dwell on it?

LameWolf

Like some other posters here, I have only my DH in the world. I am completely estranged from my blood relatives, to the extent that when I divorced the Ex, I got the Court's permission to keep my new address (I moved out before commencing divorce proceedings) off the divorce papers, for my own safety; if either my father of the Ex had found out where I was, I'd have been in danger.

DH only has one sister and one cousin, neither of whom stay in touch other than Xmas cards, and neither of whom I have ever met.
Also I am child-free by choice - I have no maternal instinct to speak of, and as I know from experience what it is to be an unwanted child, I knew from the outset that motherhood would be totally wrong for me.

I worry because DH is 10 years older than me; and if anything were to happen to him, I would be completely alone. Btw, I'm disabled, and he is my sole Carer, so I'd be up the creek without a paddle from that point of view also. I had to retire from work at the age of 41, (16 years ago), so I don't even have any work colleagues!

I confess, people scare me to death; I have severe trust issues, and the idea of meeting new people is just completely beyond contemplation.

My salvation has been dogs. DH and I signed up as a Carer family for a dog-sitting service, and I now look after other peoples' dogs while they are on holiday etc.
As I type, I have a little Jack Russell staying with me; he's here til 5th January, and he's my get-out-of-jail-free card for not having to attend any Xmas or New Year functions.

[Deleted User]

I am widowed and now alone after never living on my own for 66 years, since birth. I made myself very busy so being alone never became lonely but now all the work is done and I am realising that I am lonely too. I did not see a soul today or yesterday. I went on a cycle ride today and no car or cyclist or pedestrain was on my route, no-one to wave to. My three children are scattered in three ways in the uk, they care but they have their own lives to live.

What am I doing about it? I am going to sell my house and move, just 1.5 miles away and there I will find the company I need within walking distance, still rural but a bus stop, a good shop, a village hall and classes and groups I can join and much bigger cycling area. To get to this place now, there is a hill with a very steep impossible gradient and a very busy A road to cross. So my village now is pretty well enclosed and that makes me feel trapped. I can only see the loneliness escalating if I stay here in this lovely place, so I will do what needs to be done. It is down to me, no one knows I am lonely and it jolly well is not going to grind me down as it so easily could

Wrt ages for loneliness, it can be at any age and in a crowd. I felt truly lonely at age 24 when I was a young shy mum on a housing estate

moneyistooshorttomention

The thing that's striking me is OP referring to being in her 40's. From that - the daughter can't be that old (20's at a guess??).

I can well understand being upset at finding out daughter has a criminal for a partner. I can also understand if OP felt they couldnt report what this man did, as she felt it would impact back upon her (presumably perfectly honest) daughter.

I'd hazard a guess that the daughter may see through this man in time and decide she prefers to be on her own or with a more honest partner.

I think many of us can get misled by our hormones and/or other company we (shouldnt) keep when we are younger. As we get older - some of us do wonder what on earth we were thinking of to associate with people like that and look for more "normal" people to be with.

It may be that the daughter will yet "come to her senses" and see through this partner she is with and decide she can't stomach being with a criminal any longer.

It's not a "definite given thing" she will - as I can recall a friend of some years back that married one and I only realised when I was with her one time when he came back to their home with some stolen goods and told me that I "hadnt seen them":eek::eek::eek:. I was gobsmacked and the relationship between her and I tailed off distinctly from that point. I heard news over the years that she was still with him (though our friendship took a very hard knock at the time of that incident and had tailed-off and vanished) - and so I know the marriage continued for quite some time and might even still be in existence.

But - with her being a young age and, hopefully, there's no children from this relationship - then there is the chance she will see through him at some point and I think its best for OP to regard it/tell her as being "You know he shouldnt have done that - but the door for you personally is always open". Fingers crossed - she will see through him at some point. A basically decent person will see through a criminal eventually at some point.