How do you cope with loneliness?

Newbie_Ginnings

Is there anyone who doesn’t have a family or anyone they “belong” to? My family have all either died or we don't speak and I’m really struggling to come to terms with being so alone. I lost my dad as a child and my mum 2 years ago. My siblings and I haven’t spoken since my mum’s death, and my daughter doesn’t want to see me after her partner did something that deeply shocked and hurt me. I don’t have grandparents, cousins or any other family.

I have been single for years after a couple of bad relationships that scarred me. Afterwards, I just wanted to concentrate on being a good mum, then in later years it was to build up my career and look after my lovely mum. Now I have no family and spend all my time alone.

I do have a group of lovely friends, but am very aware that they all have busy lives and don’t always have time to spend outside their families, although when we do get together they are wonderful. I find it hard to open up about how I am feeling, so they and my colleagues think I am fine. I get up every day and go to work, and make it appear as if everything is great. And to be fair, I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. Anyway, I am more of a listener than a talker. It just gets a bit overwhelming when I come home and am on my own again.

I do all the usual things, going to the gym, walk the dog, online dating etc. but it isn’t really the meeting people I am struggling with, it’s not having a family or anybody that I “belong” to that I am missing. I always thought that by now I would have a husband, more children, grandchildren etc. I have thought about volunteering but I work long hours and anyway I think my state of mind would be more of a hindrance than a help at the moment.

I have tried to reunite with my family especially my daughter but it is clear that they aren’t interested and I can’t face trying again only to go through the pain of rejection all over again. I’m in my 40’s and feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. I often go to bed hoping I won’t wake up in the morning. Losing the most important people in my life just hurts so much that nothing else really matters. I know I am still grieving for my mum – she was truly my best friend, but also feel like I am grieving for the relationship I used to have with my daughter too.

I do feel incredibly grateful to have a home, a job and no debt. I know things could be an awful lot worse and some people may think I have nothing really to complain about. I was just wondering if there is anybody else who is alone and has any practical tips on how to cope with the constant loneliness and sadness.

I think I just need someone to tell me to pull myself together
X

chesky

If you were in contact with your siblings until your mother's death, two years ago, why have you lost contact with them since? Can you not try to re-establish the relationship with them?

kelpie35

Have you thought about writing to your daughter?

Explain how sad you feel that she is not part of your life and could you possible start to build bridges.

Have you also thought about inviting her and your siblings for a meal over the festive period.

If they see you are making an effort to try to reconcile then things might get back on track.

If you are feeling so down maybe you need to pay a visit to your GP and explain just how you are feeling. Possibly he might refer you for counselling.

PrettyKittyKat

I am sorry I can't offer practical advice as you have asked for. However, I could not read and run without posting.

Reading your post what strikes me most is that there is alot that you are mourning at the moment, and I think it would be a good idea for you to speak to someone (like a counsellor) about that. In doing so they may be able to help you formulate ways to deal with the loneliness too. You say you have tried all the usual things, like dating, going for walks etc to alleviate the loneliness however it isn't working, and they may be because you haven't worked through your feelings of why the breakdown in relationships have happened and also loosing your beloved Mum.

Also, a family can be one you choose. And from what you say you have a wonderful group of friends who I am sure would be upset to hear you feel as you do and haven't told them. Please speak to them about how you feel, you may feel more comfortable doing this once you have had some sessions with a counsellor and worked through your emotions somewhat .

Mee

Hello!

I would like to give a more detailed response, but can't, though I support some of the suggestions above.

I would strongly recommend the following:

Being honest with your friends, and family about how you feel.

Do consider speaking to your GP and/or getting a referral for counselling or family counselling.

A few useful reads below:
Standalone

Family Estrangement: Advice and Information for Parents

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/07/16/10-more-ideas-to-help-with-loneliness/

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/ross-a-rosenberg/loneliness_b_4648417.html

http://healthland.time.com/2010/10/11/how-not-to-feel-lonely-in-a-crowd/

I would recommend trying to cut back on your hours if you can to allow you to develop other interests and networks which may help you build up some social capital useful for mental health and employment prospects.

Fireflyaway

I second writing to your daughter. I'm sure she probably wishes she had you around too. Is a lifetime worth throwing away just because you disagreed over a man?! No. Make the first move, kids can be stubborn even when they are grown up!
I'd suggest volunteering. You can make new friends and work together as a team, knowing you are benefitting a good cause. Find something that doesn't need a big commitment. Not all volunteering takes up hours.
You also mentioned dog walking. How about joining a walking / rambling group.
There are aso roles where you can be a telephone befriender or invite an older person to share Sunday lunch.
There are thousands of people like you. Its a normal feeling but it will take a bit of action on your part to kick things off.

Newbie_Ginnings

Chesky yes I have contacted them a few times. My siblings are both a lot older than me, one hadn't wanted to see myself or my mum for a number of years before she died. We did have some time together for a short period after my mum passed which was really nice, but unfortunately I couldn't get over how much they had hurt my mum in the preceding years. One was always embarrassed and ashamed that we were from a poor family. The other I mostly got along with as long as I was doing them favours. They always detested each other. Both were more interested in how much they could get from the estate than any family ties. They joined forces and cut me out of decisions about the estate despite me being an executor. We fell out about lots of past issues. I have told them I miss them and would like to get past what happened, but they don't want to.

Newbie_Ginnings

Wow thank you for all your replies. Yes I am mourning the loss of pretty much my whole life as it was. I have spoken to my doctor who gave me a leaflet for counselling, I know I need to do this, but I have always been the one who people tell their troubles to and come to for advice so find it hard to accept that I need to be on the receiving end.


I have a couple of times invited my daughter out for coffee and a meal. She says she will contact me when she feels well, but it doesn't happen. I have told her how much I love and miss her. She thinks I am making too much out of what her partner did and ought to forget it but I cant, and she wont go anywhere without him.


My friends do know what has happened, just not quite how bad I feel. I will definitely look into finding a counsellor as I think I never really got over the loss of my dad either.


Mee thank you for the links they are really useful. I do have a good job, I often work late as the prospect of coming home to an empty house is often worse than staying at work.


Deep breath.. Ok I am off to write a letter to my lovely.


Thank you all so much for your replies and advice xx

chesky

Unless what your daughter's partner did was criminal, I think you're going to have to hold your tongue about whatever he did, as your daughter seems to have made that a red line. You may not be able to forgive whatever it was but you will have to learn to live with it if you want to move on.

balletshoes

Newbie_Ginnings wrote: »

Chesky yes I have contacted them a few times. My siblings are both a lot older than me, one hadn't wanted to see myself or my mum for a number of years before she died. We did have some time together for a short period after my mum passed which was really nice,
but unfortunately I couldn't get over how much they had hurt my mum in the preceding years.
One was always embarrassed and ashamed that we were from a poor family. The other I mostly got along with as long as I was doing them favours. They always detested each other. Both were more interested in how much they could get from the estate than any family ties. They joined forces and cut me out of decisions about the estate despite me being an executor. We fell out about lots of past issues.
I have told them I miss them and would like to get past what happened, but they don't want to.

Newbie_Ginnings wrote: »

Wow thank you for all your replies. Yes I am mourning the loss of pretty much my whole life as it was. I have spoken to my doctor who gave me a leaflet for counselling, I know I need to do this, but I have always been the one who people tell their troubles to and come to for advice so find it hard to accept that I need to be on the receiving end.


I have a couple of times invited my daughter out for coffee and a meal. She says she will contact me when she feels well, but it doesn't happen. I have told her how much I love and miss her.
She thinks I am making too much out of what her partner did and ought to forget it but I cant, and she wont go anywhere without him.


My friends do know what has happened, just not quite how bad I feel. I will definitely look into finding a counsellor as I think I never really got over the loss of my dad either.


Mee thank you for the links they are really useful. I do have a good job, I often work late as the prospect of coming home to an empty house is often worse than staying at work.


Deep breath.. Ok I am off to write a letter to my lovely.


Thank you all so much for your replies and advice xx

OP you do "belong" - if you want to. But - and forgive me for saying this - I haven't seen anywhere in your posts so far that you have apologised to your siblings or your daughter, for your part in the fallings-out, and for the things you said which upset them. You may need to.

Next time you invite your daughter out for coffee, include her partner in the invitation.

Primrose

I think with the approach of Christmas you should have one further try approaching your daughter, but why not address the letter to her partner as well this time?
You dont say what the offence was which caused the rift so we cannot know whether your daughter’s action was justified or not but it!s obvious that until the partner feels like coming back on board into this relationship ship, your daughter will side with him.

Maybe you have be honest about the depth to which this rift has driven youand ask whether with the passage of time the feelings of hurt on her part on behalf of her partner have lessened. I don,t think you should expect any great tearful reunions, being realistic. It may have to be a reapprochment in easy stages and you may have to swallow your pride and admit that with the benefit of hindsight your own reaction was perhaps over the top.

Having written, I would then concentrate my efforts to find people with whom to have a sense of “belonging” elsewhere in some kind of volunteering. Do your friends have any contacts in a similar position to yourself with similar interests with whom you could chum up? Does your local library (if it hasn,t been closed) display details of local organisations which might appeal to you?

What are your interests? You say you walk your dog. Could you hand out a leaflet to your local dog walkers giving your email address and suggesting forming a social dog walkers get together once a month for example?

I.d be honest with your friends too about how much lonelinesss is hitting you. Yes, they perhaps have busy lives but maybe you could all find time to make a little more time for each other even if it,s exchanging emails more often so you don,t feel so isolated.