A Simpler Life 2018

Cottage_Economy

Jamanda, Suki hugs to both of you. I’m very fortunate in that Mil is a kind soul and doesn’t have an unpleasant bone in her body, however, she is very negative and pessimistic. I know she is working on that though because she really upset someone and that prompted her to consider the impact of her behaviour.

MIL is also very deaf. She promised faithfully she would not be stubborn if she became deaf and needed a hearing aid, but now she is her deafness is isolating and frustrating her but she refuses to get a hearing aid. He life would be simpler and more enjoyable if she got one, she would not miss out on conversation and jokes. And I would not have to hear the constant mental distraction of the TV blaring through the floor on the opposite side of the house! Win win!

Thanks Ploppy57 – I don’t think she has dementia, just the usual age-related forgetfulness. She is, on the whole, extremely perceptive and sharp. Just physically frail.

I don’t agree that older people become self-absorbed. I do think after retirement, without the repeated stimulation of work some older people’s world’s contract to such a degree that problems, which seem quite small to us, can seem very vast and worry consumes a lot of their time. That can come across like self-absorption. I don’t take that personally.

This evening DH and I have had a conversation about all of this and I explained the mental load thing, about how the dozens of daily decisions being referred to me is tiring. He’s going to chat to his sibling about things (esp the hearing aid!). We’ve also agreed she needs to be encouraged to push against her comfort zone a little.

- In keeping with freeing up my time, I’ve already told DH that I will only cook five nights a week from now on and no more, and he has agreed. So, we’re are going to ask her to cook once a week and DH will do some too. She has refused to cook so far as she doesn’t think she could do it. She moves around the kitchen with ease at any other time so this is not such a big step for her to take.
- I’m going to ask her to iron some of DH’s clothes, which I think she will jump at doing. I think doing all of our textiles may be too much for her but I think she will take pleasure in doing his clothes once more. I’ll do my own and the household bits and pieces.
- She has a computer but rarely uses for anything other than checking for emails – I’m going to ask her to use it to find 5 things she wants to do/visit over the next couple of months. At the moment she waits passively for someone to make suggestions so we need to encourage her to find something she wants to do. I might get her to look at U3A.

In the spirit of doing things more important than housework, I also have plans to record her life story. When her husband died a few years ago, one of the things their children said was that many stories came out about him that they had never heard and they wished they had sat down and chatted to him more. So, I’m going to do that with her and do one of those ‘publish on demand’ books as a surprise for them. I have the recording equipment and a few books on how to do it already so it will be our secret.

Oh good grief, I've done another essay. You're all so damn supportive it all comes spilling out. And I was going to update on all the things I’ve done this week to simplify and free up my time. Maybe tomorrow.

Here's an article from my favourite magazine that you might enjoy:

I may also take up the Compassion Challenge.

Mrs_Salad_Dodger

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

Jamanda, Suki hugs to both of you. I’m very fortunate in that Mil is a kind soul and doesn’t have an unpleasant bone in her body, however, she is very negative and pessimistic. I know she is working on that though because she really upset someone and that prompted her to consider the impact of her behaviour.

MIL is also very deaf. She promised faithfully she would not be stubborn if she became deaf and needed a hearing aid, but now she is her deafness is isolating and frustrating her but she refuses to get a hearing aid. He life would be simpler and more enjoyable if she got one, she would not miss out on conversation and jokes. And I would not have to hear the constant mental distraction of the TV blaring through the floor on the opposite side of the house! Win win!

Thanks Ploppy57 – I don’t think she has dementia, just the usual age-related forgetfulness. She is, on the whole, extremely perceptive and sharp. Just physically frail.

I don’t agree that older people become self-absorbed. I do think after retirement, without the repeated stimulation of work some older people’s world’s contract to such a degree that problems, which seem quite small to us, can seem very vast and worry consumes a lot of their time. That can come across like self-absorption. I don’t take that personally.

This evening DH and I have had a conversation about all of this and I explained the mental load thing, about how the dozens of daily decisions being referred to me is tiring. He’s going to chat to his sibling about things (esp the hearing aid!). We’ve also agreed she needs to be encouraged to push against her comfort zone a little.

- In keeping with freeing up my time, I’ve already told DH that I will only cook five nights a week from now on and no more, and he has agreed. So, we’re are going to ask her to cook once a week and DH will do some too. She has refused to cook so far as she doesn’t think she could do it. She moves around the kitchen with ease at any other time so this is not such a big step for her to take.
- I’m going to ask her to iron some of DH’s clothes, which I think she will jump at doing. I think doing all of our textiles may be too much for her but I think she will take pleasure in doing his clothes once more. I’ll do my own and the household bits and pieces.
- She has a computer but rarely uses for anything other than checking for emails – I’m going to ask her to use it to find 5 things she wants to do/visit over the next couple of months. At the moment she waits passively for someone to make suggestions so we need to encourage her to find something she wants to do. I might get her to look at U3A.

In the spirit of doing things more important than housework, I also have plans to record her life story. When her husband died a few years ago, one of the things their children said was that many stories came out about him that they had never heard and they wished they had sat down and chatted to him more. So, I’m going to do that with her and do one of those ‘publish on demand’ books as a surprise for them. I have the recording equipment and a few books on how to do it already so it will be our secret.

Oh good grief, I've done another essay. You're all so damn supportive it all comes spilling out. And I was going to update on all the things I’ve done this week to simplify and free up my time. Maybe tomorrow.

Here's an article from my favourite magazine that you might enjoy:

I may also take up the Compassion Challenge.

What a lovely thing to do CottageEconomy:T I wish I had done something like that with my mum and stepdad. Lovely and sometimes painful stories that are now only how I ‘remember’ them and usually different from how my brother & sister remember them! One always thinks that there is plenty of time however old one’s parents are - & then it is too late. Sitting here with tears in my eyes thinking I wish I had done more, been a better daughter etc.
Well on that note I will wish you all a good night.

MrsSD:)

dolly84

fuddle - I am of the mind that contact with day to day germs is good for the immune system in the long run.

cottage economy - is your MIL thinking a hearing aid will be one of those massive things rather than the teeny new ones. I don't understand why people won't have one, I would do it now if I needed to just to improve quality of life.

Pooky

I asked my parents a few years back now, if they could write a few bits down, memories of birthdays and family, school days etc, just snippet but stuff I’d like to know. They went one better and made both my sister and I a lovely scrap book full of old photos, copies of birth, marriage and death certificates for grandparents/great grandparents, a copy of my grandmothers ration book, a brief but helpful family tree for both sides and then my Dad sat and wrote a small booklet about each of them....including stories I’d never heard, stuff about how they met, bits about their wedding day and working lives. It’s amazing and I’d encourage anyone to write something like that for their kids.


Fuds - I just use washing up liquid for the dishes and zoflora for everything else now...the cinnamon and orange one is gorgeous and indilute it into a spray bottle for work surfaces and damp dusting (lovely rubbed along the radiators) and the bathroom and then once every few weeks a descaler from Lidl to get my bathroom tiles all sparkly (hard water area). The zoflora on the floors makes the house smell beautiful too. Amazing what you don’t need in that cupboard under the sink isn’t it.

Cottage_Economy

Mrs_Salad_Dodger wrote: »

One always thinks that there is plenty of time however old one’s parents are - & then it is too late.

That's exactly what they said. My husband still has the last phone message from his father downloaded onto his computer.

Pooky - that is amazing! What a wonderful thing to do.

dolly84 wrote: »

cottage economy - is your MIL thinking a hearing aid will be one of those massive things rather than the teeny new ones. I don't understand why people won't have one, I would do it now if I needed to just to improve quality of life.

I'm sure she knows they are small - she sees the adverts for them - but I think she has poverty consciousness and can't bring herself to spend the money. Which is ridiculous because she has a lot of money from when she sold her house. It's very hard to get her to spend money on herself. She won't let anyone else spend the money either. It's almost like she thinks she isn't worth it. He self-esteem is pretty poor.

So, I got up a little earlier on some days, did a bit in the evenings while dinner was cooking and:

• Filled two large boxes with kitchen clutter/gadgets after cleaning and organising the pantry. Mouse eviction process is under way.
• Emptied three drawers of cake tins, many multiples of the same size that will never be used. Kept a set for only the cakes I actually bake. All fits neatly into one drawer.
• Replaced a beaten up roasting tray that has to be lined with foil with one of those high quality everlasting ‘stone quartz’ ones with a lifetime guarantee
• Threw out two awful cruddy baking sheets and a small baking tray that have to be used with foil
• Removed half the cutlery, and put the extras with a canteen of cutlery for big family meals
• Turfed out half of the cooking accessories. I don't need special tools to ball melons, spear olives, etc.:D
• Filled a carrier bag of old holey socks I never wear - due to holes:o
• Filled a large carrier bag of clothing that I don’t really like and don’t really fit.
• Got rid of the out of date toiletries, then lined up the stuff to be used up/passed on
• Thrown out a pair of slippers that were unwearable, and a broken heated blanket
• Trialled a new way of doing the laundry so I only had to iron a minimal amount
• Unsubscribed to any emails that came in I didn’t want.
• Less screen time

Freed up enough time to read When the Children Came Home by Julie Summers and reread The Simple Living Guide by Janet Luhrs.
Targets for next week:

• bedding and vintage linens
• kitchen crockery - several sets of dinnerware from relatives passing on
• glassware - dozens and dozens of
• taming the paper that comes in the house
• filing my emails instead of leaving them to build up
• find some mouse-proof glass food jars in the charity shops.

This weekend I'm working outside on cleaning and sorting the pots for spring and loading the car for a tip trip. Then I'm pulling out the sofabed in the lounge, lighting the fire and reading for the evening. Going to put a sausage and red cabbage casserole in the slow cooker so I don't have to 'cook' this evening.

SimpleLiving

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

I'm sure she knows they are small - she sees the adverts for them - but I think she has poverty consciousness and can't bring herself to spend the money. Which is ridiculous because she has a lot of money from when she sold her house. It's very hard to get her to spend money on herself. She won't let anyone else spend the money either. It's almost like she thinks she isn't worth it. He self-esteem is pretty poor

I can really sympathize here! My mothers hearing had been a problem for the last 5 to 10 years but she refused to accept it. It got to the point where I stopped making conversation because it was painful, having to shout was awful. She would sit there completely missing the point of the conversation and say things to pretend she was understanding, which she clearly wasn't. In the end I am afraid I lost my temper with her which has never happened before. I told her she was being selfish etc etc. She eventually admitted her hearing was bad and went to the docs who referred her to the hearing clinic. She now has small discrete hearing aids, free of charge from the NHS. I know that she would not have got them if I had not lost my rag with her

Charis

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

Here's an article from my favourite magazine that you might enjoy:

That article made me laugh, Cottage. It was written by Juliet Schor, professor of sociology at Boston College. I couldn't identify with anything she is saying. I thought maybe it's because I live in a far away land, or because I've retired. I realise that city life has for some become a kind of bubble, away from the real world, at least for the 10% who have 'made it'. Or are faking it by getting into credit card debt. Or are truly mesmerised by advertising.

For the rest, including my own now adult children, life has fewer choices than it did for me. It is a struggle to find affordable housing and feed the children, let alone buy designer clothes.

The article concludes:
'So what's the answer? "we need a new set of values and culture,' concludes Schor, 'We need to talk postgrowth.'

More psychobabble.

We need to return to old values of simplicity, integrity, community and this time round make sure we add a dose of equality.

My friend, who is a retired history teacher, pointed out to me only this morning that every time in history that the poor have been pushed to breaking point, it has ended in revolution.

skint_chick

I'd like to join please. I've spent the last 8 years living on £5,000 a year (from a challenge thread on here) after mortgage and council tax. I also have an autoimmune disorder so cook all my meals from scratch, and had to take a step back and work part-time so everything has been downshifted. I spend my time volunteering with older adults, growing veggies in the garden, listening to podcasts, reading (library books and online magazines through the library) and trying to practice self care. I have recently joined a 12 step programme for overeating and joined a church, which is all new to me and a bit scary - but seems to be helping. My priority for 2018 is to have a simpler life so I'm not rushing around on my days off doing lots of things, having more time for my husband, garden, and crafts. I am struggling with tiredness and stress and not feeling up to being social, so I'd like to get a better life balance this year.

PipneyJane

dND - you are so right regarding the price of le Parfait jars. For people lwho make preserves, if you live within a reasonable drive of the channel tunnel, it’s worth spending a cheap midweek fare in late summer to visit Carefour in Calais for your jars. The difference in price is immense.

For those looking after elderly parents, I salute you. You are heroes. I could have lived with my dad but not my mother. My mum was “dying” from my early childhood - she had a heart condition and could literally drop dead at any minute - so my sister and I always had contingency plans about what to do with Dad. When Dad died suddenly... let’s just say that I left home so I wouldn’t murder her. Oddly enough, I had Dad’s blessing- it was something we’d discussed. (I left the country on a long planned trip.). Two years later, she stayed with me for 3 months and we learned to be friends. Until that point, she had never treated me as an adult.

CRANKY40

Talking of returning to old values, I was trying to think today when exactly did present buying at Christmas become so commercialised? I’m thinking it’s connected to credit cards maybe? Years ago we had a main present from parents, small gifts from grandparents and aunts and uncles and if anyone else bought anything it was usually a selection box. The bombardment of “stuff” that happens now resulting in many things being given to homeless centres, charity shops etc didn’t happen in our house. Was this just us or was it the same for everyone else and do you recall when it changed? I’ve stopped by the way. I buy for my child and the two cousins, one aunt and one friend that buy for him. They are only allowed to buy him small things and he buys them small gifts in return.

We have an “Alexa”. Our use for it is fairly simple and it’ll probably make a fair few of you roll your eyes but......this house that we live in now was built post-war. It was built to survive in case bombing ever happened again. It has concrete lintels and metal door frames. I can stand at the bottom of the stairs and shout at the House Troll (my 13 year old son) in his bed room at the top of the stairs and 3 out of 4 times he won’t hear me. If he does hear me and answer 3 out of 4 times I don’t hear him and shout again anyway. I bought him an echo dot for Christmas the year before last (a cunning plan as it was really for my benefit). My craft room/computer room is next to his bedroom and most evenings I’m in there for half an hour before I start our evening meal. On my way downstairs I call in on him, tell him what we’re having and tell him to set an alarm for however many minutes it will take me to make dinner. This results in a child downstairs, ready to set the table and eat 5-10 minutes before I put the food on the table. It has stopped me having to stand in the hall yelling like a mad person that his dinner is ready and can he come down whilst trying to make sure the cats aren’t helping themselves to the food. He also now sets the alarm to make sure he’s brushing his teeth for long enough (the dentist told him off for shortcuts) and for the time he has to start getting dressed for school in case he is side tracked by something else and forgets. It is probably doing the thing an injustice to use it merely as a glorified alarm clock, but life is so much quieter this way.