Is a bad friend better than no friend?

dandy-candy

I'm not a very sociable person and find it hard to make friends. I had a really good close friend for nearly 20 years, we had loads in common and got on really well. About 8 years ago she moved to far away so we only saw each other a couple of times a year but we spoke on the phone nearly every week and we still were as close in friendship.

Then two years ago she began hanging out with some awful woman near to where she now lived who stole stuff from relatives, stole some charity collection money, and was trying to sue a local business for a fake injury. My friend was always a very decent honest person and I was really shocked she would continue to hang out with this other woman, it was completely out of character. Not long after my friend told me quite coldly how she had cut off her oldest friend because his marriage had fallen apart and she was fed up of listening to his problems. Then she started to be different with me, doing/saying !!!!!y stuff, never bothering to call while I was having health scares but always ringing when she was having problems and wanted comfort.

In the end I broke off our friendship. That was a year ago and I do still really miss her, albeit the old her before she changed. I recently was chatting to someone in a similar situation and asked why she still spoke to the person who was being obnoxious to her and she said otherwise you end up with no friends. It made me wonder if I had done the wrong thing?

gettingtheresometime

Oh lordy no.


I have too much self respect.

onomatopoeia99

I would say no, it's not worth having poisonous people in your life, no matter how lonely you feel.

I can go months without seeing friends, but then pick up exactly where we left off as if no time has passed. In that respect facebook is a boon as I at least know they are still alive in the meantime!

thorsoak

A bad friend is no friend.

Izadora

Definitely not. In the situation you've described you're going to feel lonely anyway as they're never there when you need them and are only a friend in the very loosest sense of the word.
I think a bad friend, who doesn't improve your life in any way, is far worse for you and will cause more problems than a lack of friends would.

Pollycat

Is a bad friend better than no friend?

Absolutely not!!!

I've always said that a friend is for the good times as well as the bad.
I had a friend who me & OH helped quite a lot, supported her over a relationship break-up and other stuff such as running round to her house when she rang in the middle of the night in hysterics..

She chose to share some personal good news with a new circle of friends, she didn't even bother telling me, I heard it on the grapevine .
I let the friendship lapse by simply not keeping in touch with her, she made no effort to ring or text me.

Then......I had a call.
She'd split with her current bloke and wanted to pour her heart out to me.
I was too busy (watching paint dry maybe).

Elinore

Sorry this ended up being a bit long!

Weirdly I find myself in a not similar situation and wondering the same thing.
I have a friend who I would have pretty much guaranteed that we would have been in the same room in the nursing home. We have lived together, holidayed together, been through tears, tantrums, new relationship absenteeism, breakups, job changes and health issues, moving abroad then moving back. We have had an awesome, fun and lovely time together.

Three years ago she found a new guy in Ireland, met as part of a special interest group talk she was arranging. He is an isolated man with a number of issues. It’s apparently not a relationship as he has commitment problems so he has flatly and persistently refused to get involved with her. I swear this has driven her bonkers and she’s become absolutely obsessed – like he’s just the right balance of come hither and unattainable.

She buys his shopping (I worry he doesn’t eat) pays for nights out (stops him becoming depressed and isolated) pays his phone bill (otherwise he would forget and we wouldn’t talk) and so on.

She goes over to see him every second month and before she goes all she can talk about is what she’s going to say and do and when she comes back it’s all about what he said and did. She’s spending all her money on him so subsequently doesn’t have any.

I have had some upsetting large life changes recently and I called her for a chat. To be frank, she was less than interested and turned the call round to talk about him. This was doubly upsetting as I have always dropped everything to be with her when she’s had issues. Middle of the night and on one occasion flew home and until recently would have laid down money she would have done the same for me.

Then I had the crashing realisation after the abovementioned call. She’s become a bad friend. I realised she’s stood me up so many times recently I don’t book the time out in my diary or cancel anything anymore. She’s not called me – it’s me calling her. She’s not valuing our time together or making any effort to do so. She’s notably absent in this friendship.

I was driving to work this morning thinking that it’s such a shame but was it time to call it quits on a friendship that lasted over two thirds of my lifetime? Our friendship has been the backing track to the best and brightest days of our lives.

But I think the time has come to stop calling and close the book on this episode, even if I lack other good friends and could really do with one right now.

bzz

I think we've all been in a position where we've grown apart from our friends and been saddened when, eventually, the bond disappears. Even if one of the friends tries hard to keep the friendship going, eventually they will resent the fact that they are always the one reaching out and making plans.

I have few close friends and in the last year, one of my closest has drifted away. She's become, over time, a very rigid person and will argue that black is white. I found that I would be constantly suggesting meeting up only to be met with excuses - and she never came back with alternative dates or times.

In the end, I decided that she obviously didn't see me as worth the effort and, while this hurts, it's better in the long run for me to keep her as someone I chat to occasionally on Facebook and expect nothing more.

I recently watched a great video about friends from The School of Life. Here's the link:

https://youtu.be/aGedUxTAfBk

Coconut01

A bad friend is worse than not having friends.

PasturesNew

It's better to be without friends, than the wrong friends.

They just drag you down, put you out and become an annoying nuisance.... and then you might have to also think about getting them something when it's Xmas/similar .... such a drudge, to buy presents for somebody who you don't actually like.

My vote is 100% in the "no friends" choice of the two options.

moneyistooshorttomention

Sometimes it takes a while for someone's true character to show through.

I've recently lost someone I've been thinking of as a friend for the last few years.

Reason being it struck me that she doesn't give a darn for my "health and safety" and thinks it's quite okay to expose myself and my possessions to risk and this has happened several times now (ie not just a one-off). Then I also realised it looked like she was trying to make a bit of money out of me as well.

I had put up with a couple of defects I knew she had - ie unreliable and not having anything much in the way of manners. But, when it became clear she is not bothered about endangering my "health and safety" then I realised that that was that and time to move on.

I think one has to take the view that in worst case analysis situation it is better to do without any friends - rather than "false friends".

Thankfully it's not the case that it's come to that in my position - as my best friend goes back many years and is a really good person and a couple of more recent friends are "shaping up well" to be reasonable friends.

But - ultimately - one can manage without any friends at all if it comes to it. Friends are "optional extras" and not absolute "essentials" iyswim.

Absolute essentials are enough money to live on and reasonable health. Everything else is an "optional extra" imo.