How do you share feeding times for new baby?

Mojisola

MonkeyDr wrote: »

I totally agree that ensuring enough sleep for work safety must be a priority.

My husband and I made a joint decision to have kids. It's a team effort.

I think it's great that the OP is trying to play a significant role. But it shouldn't be viewed as helping out when he can; it's joint parenting.

If both parents were working, it would be fair to expect both to do an equal amount of parenting; when one parent is at home then it's only fair for that person to do a larger share of the child care.

Comms69

MonkeyDr wrote: »

Hi Comms69.

I think we are vaguely close enough in sentiment that I can't be bothered to have a big argument. - oh no, for sure, I think it's a matter of personal perspective, neither of us is 'wrong'

I will correct you though re my 24 hour on-calls - typically working 8am-2am straight, then available "on-call" until due back in at 8am for handover. Usually several phone calls in that time. Not unheard of to be working straight through. - You have my sympathies.

Anyway, I agree with the football team analogy. Can't quite stretch it to make my point: the family as a whole need to find a system that prioritises what is most important (keeping baby alive, being able to safely do job). After that, committed joint parents should make sure that they both get the same amount of 'me time', be it hours or 5 minutes. Most (but not all babies) sleep quite well in the first half of the night; it's not fair if mum rushes off to bed at 8 while dad stays up doing whatever he wants until 11 or 12, then plays the "i have to be safe for work" card to ensure uninterrupted sleep. - for sure, that wasn't what I was suggesting at all. More that dad would catch up on house chores, prepare meal, look after any older children and so forth.

Not relevant at this stage while mum is on maternity leave, but I suggest to any dads that they consider reading about the concept of the "mental load" in parenting. My friends and I, who are all generally professional, career focused, and with partners who outwardly support equality, have found this to be a very real thing.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Interesting comic. The fact it exists, I think highlights the problem in society as a whole.


I could go on and on, but I'll summarise.


The current generation of 25-35s (typical children having age) are in difficult positions.


Both sexes are expected to work and be successful.


But men were not taught the basics. In fact, for many, their experience of childhood is that mum picked them up from school. Dad came home at 6pm. Mostly their mum sorted everything out, occasionally they did 'chores' - were asked to do something.


All they know is that mum looks after the house. So it's only natural that this is the way they see life. It will change, but it will take a generation or two. I think it should change, but there are barriers to both genders.


I mean I don't believe in equality as a principle, I think it's horribly unjust. I prefer the idea of relationships being fair.

MonkeyDr

Mojisola wrote: »

If both parents were working, it would be fair to expect both to do an equal amount of parenting; when one parent is at home then it's only fair for that person to do a larger share of the child care.

Yes. And they do the greater share by doing the 10, 12, however many hours that the partner is out during the day.

But if they are both at home for 12 hours, and the baby is of the type where the non-working parent doesn't get any rest or leisure time during the day, then I still think it fair that the parents co-operate to try and give each parent the same amount of down time.

Of course you take into account different needs and circumstances - some people need 8 hours sleep and some are fine with 6. Someone earlier said they had a lie-in with the baby every day from after the 6am feed until the 9am one: great! not my experience.

With my first for about 6 months I watched no tv other than an episode of a box set over dinner (with partner), read no books, rarely found time to call or email friends (although did see NCT friends during the day, usually while trudging around park in the rain while baby slept) etc etc. To some extent my fault for not articulating things sooner to my partner. But I didn't have PND, and things weren't in extremis. Looking after a young baby all day can be just as knackering as going out to work, and very isolating.

clairec79

To be honest I don't see the point in you both getting up for the same feed, and if she is breastfeeding every feed that is on her (and thats speaking as someone who breastfed) - it does sound like you are mixed feeding though so if you do some feeds which are purely formula you could do some of them

Whilst she is on maternity leave (with your first child - it is different with your second/third when you have other children to look after) she does have the option to nap in the day - if when she goes back to work the baby is still waking then I would go more 50/50 (or if you are off the next day then you take one night - especially if formula feeding)

What I found most helpful was an hour or so in the evening to have a bath/break from baby (sometimes just a walk to the shop to get some bread or milk in the rain was lovely, I go stircrazy in the house all the time) - plus this gives dad a time to spend nice time with the baby as well.

With our eldest (because I didn't breastfeed her) my husband was a postman so we both went to bed early, I did most feeds through the night and then he did the 4am one, so was getting up slightly earlier than he normally would and but I'd get from about 1 to 7 without properly waking (I would rouse normally but not get up)

gettingtheresometime

buel10 wrote: »

Hi all.
My wife and I are extremely lucky to have a healthy three week old baby girl. For the last two weeks we have got up during the night together - my wife breastfeeds whilst I changed the nappy and topped up with formula. However, now I'm back at work this week and I've slept in the spare room whilst my wife looks after the little one during the night as I operate machinery so we felt that this would be the safest option. That said, I feel absolutely awful that I don't do anything through the night and can't really think of an appropriate middle ground.
Please can I ask for ideas and perhaps some stories of what other couples do in this scenario?

Comms69 wrote: »

To be frank, and it may be unpopular, but this is why maternity leave exists. Mum rests when baby rests.


It's absolutely right to be supportive, but your job had a huge number of health and safety aspects, which could easily cost someone their life if you are not alert.


The consequences to that are devastating emotionally and psychologically, and on a wide spectrum your potential loss of liberty and almost certain loss if income would hardly help matters.


I'd suggest that you do as much as you can when you come back from work and on weekends / days off. But lack of sleep in your field could have serious consequences.

I'm all for dads being hands on & is lucky enough to have a husband who did - and still does - his fair share but I'm even more so for being sensible


Your wife can catch up on her sleep when the little one is asleep during the day - you can't.


It was for these reasons I got up in the night rather than expected hubby to get involved though from memory our son slept through to a reasonable hour from about 8 weeks

trailingspouse

When ours were little, OH was working shifts. Obviously if he was working, I did everything. But on the nights he was at home, we took it in turns to do the bedtime routine (albeit I was always around for the breastfeeding bit...). For the middle-of-the-night feeds he would get up and change the nappy and bring the baby through to me. He would then go back to sleep, and when I'd finished feeding I put the baby back in the cot. It worked well for us - I didn't feel that I was doing all the nighttime work, he didn't feel guilty that he was doing nothing overnight, and we maximised our sleep as best we could.

He never had any issues with not being able to get back to sleep (emergency services, so fairly critical that he was well-rested). It's also important that the mum is well-rested!! In charge of a small child, driving, operating a variety of machinery. It's also well documented that tiredness and depression are linked - being tired can cause depression, depression can cause tiredness.

It's easy to say 'get some rest during the day when the baby sleeps' but it isn't always possible.

gettingtheresometime

trailingspouse wrote: »

It's also important that the mum is well-rested!! In charge of a small child, driving, operating a variety of machinery. It's also well documented that tiredness and depression are linked - being tired can cause depression, depression can cause tiredness.

It's easy to say 'get some rest during the day when the baby sleeps' but it isn't always possible.

I'd agree that mum needs to be rested as well but hopefully she'll have more opportunity than dad!


I took the attitude that the house didn't need to be sparkling clean just tidy - perhaps housework when the OP is home is something that he can help with rather than feel guilty about not doing the nightfeeds

Teapot55

OP, you really are an amazing & caring person - so impressed.

One point that you need to be aware of: if you feed the baby formula, the breast milk will decrease & within a few weeks the baby will be completely on the bottle.

(Your wife can express milk inbetween feeds so that there is some to put into a bottle for you to do a feed - this is also useful when the baby starts to want more milk - the more often you 'demand' the breast milk, the bigger the supply).

atolaas

When my DS was newborn, his Dad and I split the feeds. DS was exclusively bottle fed (long story!) I'd do the evening feed around 8/9pm then go to bed. DS's Dad was a night owl and would do the midnight feed. I would get the feed after that around 3/4am. If I was lucky, I'd get 6/7 hours sleep a night. It was trial and error, finding out what worked best for us and DS. It's so hard in the early days, but it will get easier as you get a routine going that works best for you. Good Luck X

Savvy_Sue

clairec79 wrote: »

What I found most helpful was an hour or so in the evening to have a bath/break from baby (sometimes just a walk to the shop to get some bread or milk in the rain was lovely, I go stircrazy in the house all the time) - plus this gives dad a time to spend nice time with the baby as well.

This. Don't concentrate exclusively on the night, think about the rest of the day too.

DH went out for a drink with a mate the other day whose youngest (of three) is now a year old. I asked how things were, and DH said that his mate finds that as soon as he walks through the door in the evening, his wife wants him to have the children - no respite. DH had confirmed that this is normal ... and IMO not unreasonable!!!