How do you share feeding times for new baby?

buel10

Hi all.
My wife and I are extremely lucky to have a healthy three week old baby girl. For the last two weeks we have got up during the night together - my wife breastfeeds whilst I changed the nappy and topped up with formula. However, now I'm back at work this week and I've slept in the spare room whilst my wife looks after the little one during the night as I operate machinery so we felt that this would be the safest option. That said, I feel absolutely awful that I don't do anything through the night and can't really think of an appropriate middle ground.
Please can I ask for ideas and perhaps some stories of what other couples do in this scenario?

silvercar

Wife gives last feed at night then goes straight to bed, while you settle baby. Wife deals with night feeds, you help out in the morning before work if you can.
You do night duty at least one night of weekend and both early morning weekend feeds, so your wife at least has a lie in.

pinkshoes

We have twins.

DH did the 10pm feed (expresssed milk) whilst I went to bed at 9pm (or earlier!), then I did the rest.

I did not expect hubby to do any night feeds. He needed to be able to function at work. New mums are supposed to be tired.

He then helped out when he got home.

I'm proud to say that not once have I done the school run in pyjamas!

MonkeyDr

With a tiny one it's difficult, but it gets easier in a couple of months.

When my first ratbag was 4-6 months he slept terribly, but I knew that he didn't really need any more milk after say 4am, just cuddles. Husband slept in spare room but I could call him from 5am ish to swap places so that I was guaranteed at least 2 hours unbroken sleep.

It had annoyed me that for months I snatched at sleep whenever I could and had ZERO time to anything non-baby related, while husband (who is otherwise an excellent and attentive father) stayed up late every night watching TV. Knowing that his morning could start from 5 made him go to bed around 9 or 10 to be sure of getting enough sleep to be able to concentrate at work.

Could you go to bed earlier so you still are safe for your machinery, but cover the early morning shift?

Comms69

To be frank, and it may be unpopular, but this is why maternity leave exists. Mum rests when baby rests.


It's absolutely right to be supportive, but your job had a huge number of health and safety aspects, which could easily cost someone their life if you are not alert.


The consequences to that are devastating emotionally and psychologically, and on a wide spectrum your potential loss of liberty and almost certain loss if income would hardly help matters.


I'd suggest that you do as much as you can when you come back from work and on weekends / days off. But lack of sleep in your field could have serious consequences.

Molly41

we split the night in two. I needed my sleep before 12 so hubby did the feeds with expressed milk and I fed after 12 as he slept better later in the night. What are your sleep patterns like and see if you can split it like we did

violettasomerset

We figured that there was no point in both of us being knackered when he was working, particularly since I had to do the breastfeeds and might as well do the nappy too. BBC World Service in the wee small hours is worth a listen (very quietly).

However, I did always make the most of any lie-ins that baby gave me - so for example, if she woke up at 6am, she and I would go back to bed until she woke again at 9am, even if it meant we wouldn't leave the house until midday. So that meant him creeping around the house before work so he didn't wake us. By doing this, I felt fairly human for most of the time. And if I needed sleep during the day on the weekends, he was on full duty (except boob feeds obviously).

You can probably help as much as anything by taking on (if you don't already) as much of the baby laundry, tidying, housework, cooking etc as you reasonably can. If your wife is breastfeeding, at the moment the feeds could be lasting up to an hour (ah, I remember the days when I could get through a boxset in a week! Just remember, the feeding won't always take this long per session, and she'll miss those boxset days...) and she won't want to be running around doing the housework the rest of the time.

PS. Congratulations on your new family member - exciting times!

MonkeyDr

Comms69 wrote: »

To be frank, and it may be unpopular, but this is why maternity leave exists. Mum rests when baby rests.


It's absolutely right to be supportive, but your job had a huge number of health and safety aspects, which could easily cost someone their life if you are not alert.

The consequences to that are devastating emotionally and psychologically, and on a wide spectrum your potential loss of liberty and almost certain loss if income would hardly help matters.

I'd suggest that you do as much as you can when you come back from work and on weekends / days off. But lack of sleep in your field could have serious consequences.

I totally agree that ensuring enough sleep for work safety must be a priority.

But, and I speak as someone who also does a safety-critical job (where I am often scheduled to be on for 24 hours straight), that doesn't necessarily mean 8 hours uninterrupted every night.

My husband and I made a joint decision to have kids. It's a team effort. All babies are going to be different, but neither of ours napped for more than 35 mins at a time during the day until about 8 months. It's near impossible to get any daytime rest then.

I think it's great that the OP is trying to play a significant role. But it shouldn't be viewed as helping out when he can; it's joint parenting.

Maternity leave is not for committed dads to just chip in here and there while mum sorts everything out. I am glad that you recognise that your view may be unpopular.

OP I suggest that you and wife discuss things, and give each other the space to set out your own issues and expectations. You need to get enough rest for work, definitely. Someone else above has already suggested considering your individual sleep patterns, and I def second that.

You may find that you have a 3x 2 hour daily napper, and your wife is rested enough. Or you may find that she is on the verge of bad PND (happened to a close friend of mine, can be v nasty). Whatever you do, accept that babies change all the time and just when you think you are in a pattern they stop playing along.

MD

Comms69

MonkeyDr wrote: »

I totally agree that ensuring enough sleep for work safety must be a priority.

But, and I speak as someone who also does a safety-critical job (where I am often scheduled to be on for 24 hours straight), that doesn't necessarily mean 8 hours uninterrupted every night. - I think it's slightly different though. Your job sounds more like it's 'on call', than on work (though do correct me). That said I think we both agree in principle

My husband and I made a joint decision to have kids. It's a team effort. - totally agree. But being in a team, to me, doesn't mean both doing the same thing. A football analogy if you will - I wouldn't expect the goalie to score 20 goals a season, and i wouldn't expect the striker to have a stint in defence. All babies are going to be different, but neither of ours napped for more than 35 mins at a time during the day until about 8 months. It's near impossible to get any daytime rest then. - I remember mine being similar, but the opportunity is there. Or if sleep is difficult, at least there's little risk of crashing a HGV .

I think it's great that the OP is trying to play a significant role. But it shouldn't be viewed as helping out when he can; it's joint parenting. - agreed. I again refer to my earlier example, both parties play a vital role, but not necessarily the same role.

Maternity leave is not for committed dads to just chip in here and there while mum sorts everything out. - Well, I think here we differentiate, as I think that's exactly what it's there for. I am glad that you recognise that your view may be unpopular. - it often is

OP I suggest that you and wife discuss things, and give each other the space to set out your own issues and expectations. You need to get enough rest for work, definitely. Someone else above has already suggested considering your individual sleep patterns, and I def second that.

You may find that you have a 3x 2 hour daily napper, and your wife is rested enough. Or you may find that she is on the verge of bad PND (happened to a close friend of mine, can be v nasty). Whatever you do, accept that babies change all the time and just when you think you are in a pattern they stop playing along.

MD

Couldn't agree more with the last sentence, just as you think "hey this is working ok", baby decides to shake things up

MonkeyDr

Hi Comms69.

I think we are vaguely close enough in sentiment that I can't be bothered to have a big argument.

I will correct you though re my 24 hour on-calls - typically working 8am-2am straight, then available "on-call" until due back in at 8am for handover. Usually several phone calls in that time. Not unheard of to be working straight through.

Anyway, I agree with the football team analogy. Can't quite stretch it to make my point: the family as a whole need to find a system that prioritises what is most important (keeping baby alive, being able to safely do job). After that, committed joint parents should make sure that they both get the same amount of 'me time', be it hours or 5 minutes. Most (but not all babies) sleep quite well in the first half of the night; it's not fair if mum rushes off to bed at 8 while dad stays up doing whatever he wants until 11 or 12, then plays the "i have to be safe for work" card to ensure uninterrupted sleep.

Not relevant at this stage while mum is on maternity leave, but I suggest to any dads that they consider reading about the concept of the "mental load" in parenting. My friends and I, who are all generally professional, career focused, and with partners who outwardly support equality, have found this to be a very real thing.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

sulphate

I breastfed my son so I didn't expect my husband to get up in the night as well, it seemed pointless IMO. He is a teacher who travels around different schools so needs to be alert and not be at risk of falling asleep at the wheel. Even if he didn't sleep much during the day, at least I could rest a bit and not have to worry about driving, I could stay in all day if I wanted to, my husband didn't have that option.

Our son is nearly 3 now and we are expecting our second in March. This time my husband will need to get up to our son if he wakes in the night as well as getting him up in the morning and hopefully giving him breakfast before work. But I'm not going to be expecting him to get up in the night with the baby.