LonelyRat's (not so lonely) Road to Riches

doingitanyway

Lucifa73 has said it all really. Good advice.
The only thing I can add is how good it is it to see you back and know you are being taken care of.
Small steps and you will get there. ((hugs))

Toni'sfriend

Aw. Lonely Rat, I am so sorry you're feeling like this.

A few years ago my DS. same age. was going through the same thing. I have no idea what caused him to feel this way but he has got over it. Took a while but he's come out the other side. We had a wonderful, understanding GP which helped enormously. He self referred himself to a group who helped him greatly. It honestly was the turning point when he realised he couldn't go on the way he was. The support from people who didn't know anything about him or judge him was a great help. Maybe it could help you too? xxx

lonelyrat

Thank you everyone for being so nice, I really appreciate it I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time and see how I get on. I cancelled my GP appointment (well, got OH to cancel for me) because I thought I was feeling OK-ish but I think I was maybe just feeling to nervy to go through with going.

Am going to be brave and call tomorrow as I do definitely think I need to go. I cried twice in work today and didn't even make it to the bathroom to do it in private. I had a really nice lady on the phone who had got into some issues gambling and I just wanted to help her so much, but was so limited in what I could actually do. I felt helpless and I just hurt for her. She hadn't slept last night because she was so worried and she was just so brave in calling. I managed to help her but it felt like a plaster over a gaping wound and I just wish I could have done more. Another gentleman was calling as his wife had passed away, they'd been married for 60 years and the way he was talking about her was so lovely. I hurt for him too... I imagined him at home without his wife and just couldn't stop crying. It was embarrassing and the girl sitting next to me looked at me like I had two heads. I'm clearly not emotionally stable enough to be allowed to talk to people

Silver Queen thank you, I obviously don't want you to be in a marshmallow too BUT at least we can be marshmallow pals together. I would like to give CBT a go, I just haven't got round to it. Anything that involves phoning anyone takes me a long time to get round to. I really will try and get it sorted though as I'm sure there are things I probably do need to talk through.

Thanks BelleOfBilboa The to do list took 2 days rather than one, but I did manage it. I phoned the insurance (a phone call - go me!) and they said I need proof of ownership so am currently awaiting that from my phone provider. Am glad I got the ball rolling with it as I have no idea how long everything takes. I am quite enjoying not having a phone though... I feel very free not checking emails or instagram every 20 minutes. Am still walking less than I would like but am determined to go out and get my 10,000 tomorrow.

Lucifa don't worry I will let you know if I need anything! Thank you for being so lovely I definitely am going to relax on the budget a little and try not to stress about my weight. It's hard to let go of things I've been fixating on for a while but I do think I don't have space now for everything. Am still a bit unsure where I stand debt wise as I must admit I've been doing the old "head in the sand" trick but I plan on only paying about £100 to the virgin card on payday and keeping the rest of my wage back.

I think in hindsight it would have been far better if I had just lowered the payments I was making to both OH and my debt while he's not working. Because I'm only part time it really wasn't realistic to expect we could smash our debt and still get by. Maybe for a month or two, but it's been since June now and I think all the stress of managing it had got too much.

I think you're right about OH perhaps feeling frustrated he couldn't help and "fix" me. I know he loves me and it can't be easy seeing someone you love in the state I was in. He has been looking after me, I've been lucky and had quite a lot of hair stroking while falling asleep. Can't ask for much more than that!

doingitanyway it's good to see you, seeing me, being back (that might be the cringey-ist thing I've said/ typed in a while, you're welcome!) Thank you very much for checking in. I plan on spending tonight and tomorrow snooping around diaries and am very much looking forward to seeing how you are getting on with your various frogs.

Toni'sfriend thanks for sharing about you're DS. I actually really like the idea of a group... On the one hand it fills me with dread/ anxiety but on the other hand it seems like it would be really lovely. It's something I think I'll consider. Will re-evaluate everything after I've put my big girl shoes on and gone to the GP again.

So, a new to do list. Will see if I can manage this all tomorrow... Keep your fingers crossed for me!

1. Phone GP
2. Check bank accounts/ credit cards
3. Shower
4. 10,000 steps (I want to do this myself, not with OH... I want to try and remember that I enjoy it )
5. Catch up on the past few weeks of diaries
6. Laundry

Will be trying to be in bed for 10.30 tonight as well. My sleep pattern has gone all wonky, which makes me feel a bit crummy. Will endeavour to fix this asap.

Thank you again everyone for being so lovely... My diary is well and truly not very MSE anymore, but thank you for sticking with me! Hopefully I will be on the straight and narrow again soon

Toni'sfriend

Lonelyrat - You live in Scotland? I could PM you with the name of the group. They have a very good webiste which gives details of what they do,

lonelyrat

Toni'sfriend that would be great, if you dont mind! It is something I'd like to explore.

So far today is not shaping up to be everything I had hoped it would. Been 55 minutes trying to get through to the GP. The only way you can book an appointment is if you call and speak to a doctor between 9-11 and 2.30-4. I keep getting an automated message saying the lines are busy then it cuts you off. There was a message saying for a review appointment to press a different option so I did that, but then the lady I spoke to said I needed to call back using the other option. I said that it kept cutting me off and she said it was so you don't have to wait in a queue. But I feel like being in a queue is far better than being hung up on.

I feel defeated and haven't even had my breakfast yet

Will just keep trying and if I can't get through before 11 will try and get to motivation to go on my walk.

Silver_Queen

One day at a time! It will all be OK in the end. Just focus on one thing at a time, one day at a time and soon you'll look up and realise that the mountain has been conquered

lonelyrat

Thank you Silver Queen... Wise as always! You are very right, I made it through the day just one bit at a time and I feel OK

[STRIKE]1. Phone GP
[/STRIKE]Felt like such a disaster in the morning... Called every 2 minutes from 9.00 - 11.00 and never even got in the queue. Called back when they re-oppened at 2.30 and did eventually get through. I really don't mind waiting, I know how busy and under pressure the surgery is, it's just the fact I couldn't even get in the queue to speak to someone.

I just felt so useless. I felt sort of like, how can I ever get better if I can't even phone the doctor? OH did help when I was a bit teary about it all as he said that no one could get through, not just me. So it put it in a bit of perspective I guess... Gave me the courage to try again in the afternoon anyway, as I had just been going to call it quits.

Anyway, I have an appointment tomorrow with a new doctor as mine is away this week. Maybe I will have more success tomorrow than at my previous visits. I can feel my stomach churning at the thought of it, but I will be brave.

2. Check bank accounts/ credit cards
Nope. Will do this on Friday as am off then.

[STRIKE]3. Shower
[/STRIKE]Kind of? Tried but the shower won't turn on. Ended up turning on the hot water and OH washed my hair for me in the bathroom sink. Not quite what was planned but was nice being looked after and I am squeaky clean now thankfully. My hair was pushing it a bit

4. 10,000 steps
Just over 6,000. Because my phone is broken I have no music so it's hard to switch off in the same way. Took the dog though and she had fun. Will work up to the ten thousand and maybe see if I can borrow OH's phone.

5. Catch up on the past few weeks of diaries
Sort of done. Skimmed a few but not caught up on everything yet. Will try and have more of a nosey tomorrow.

[STRIKE]6. Laundry [/STRIKE]
Three loads. Washed, dried and OH put everything away. He also hoovered and changed the bed which always makes me feel nice.

Am going to get in bed now and read a few chapters of my book. One thing I bought when I was spending silly money was a new Kindle. I was going to return it but I've actually got a lot of use out of it. I love reading and had really let it take a back seat. Since getting this new one (it's backlit! :cool:) I've read 5 books and am feeling like my brain isn't as much mush as it was. Have decided I will be keeping it.

I have a meeting with my manager tomorrow. I think it's just a monthly catch up but I'm not sure. I'm a bit nervous about it for some reason... I feel like the last few weeks my performance has not been great and am worried I will get pulled up for it. Wish me luck!

Toni'sfriend

Hope your appointment goes well. xxx

[Deleted User]

Good luck for your appointment xx

doingitanyway

I hope the GP appointment goes well too.

Having targets sounds like a good idea and it looks like you are doing fab.

OH washing your hair is lovely

Have a little treat for facing the GP. A reward for attending the appointment.