How do you know when 'it's time' - elderly parents

trailingspouse

A quick update following my visit to see them last week.

We went out for lunch, and Dad offered to drive. Normally I would say no, we can go in my car - but this time I thought it might not be a bad idea to see how his driving is. A previous poster mentioned that older drivers might be OK until something unusual happens, and that's when there might be problems.

As it happens, two unusual things happened!!

The first was when we were just joining the main road from their street. There was a car already at the junction, another one behind it, then us. The main road is quite busy, but when there was a gap in the traffic the front car didn't move. When it didn't move the second time, the car behind it tooted their horn - still no movement. It was then that we all realised there was no-one in the car!! It must have broken down, but with no hazards left on. Anyway, we ended up having to join the main road from the 'wrong' side of the side road in order to get around the broken-down car. He coped with it all perfectly, and was actually more concerned about what had happened to the driver.

Further into the journey, we were turning left off of the main road, at traffic lights. The road straight ahead was closed, and the car in front of us had intended to go straight on but of course couldn't. They dithered in the middle of the junction, eventually realising they had no option but to turn left, and then drove ridiculously slowly (presumably looking for somewhere to turn round). Again, Dad coped very well - in fact he noted that the driver was an elderly gentleman and said 'I hope I don't drive like that...'

So - I'm happy with his driving. As previously mentioned, he has elected not to drive at night as he finds the oncoming lights dazzle him too much. He could be accused of driving a bit slowly - but nothing too bad, and he's always done it so that's nothing to do with his age!!

We also had a serious conversation about what Mum wants (or more to the point, doesn't want) in the way of care as she gets older. Basically she wants to stay in the house they're in for as long as possible. This was what I was thinking would be the best scenario for them too, so that's OK. She absolutely doesn't want to go into a home or come and live with us (I pointed out that there might come a time when she doesn't have much choice, and she realises that), but she also suggested that she might like to move to be a lot closer to us (there are some really nice modern two-bed terrace houses across the road from us which they could more than afford from the proceeds of selling their 3-bed detached house.) That's a decision to be made when one comes on the market. If you've noticed that I said 'what Mum wants', you'd be right - Dad didn't express an opinion. That's a conversation for another day...

badmemory

re the driving that sounds like a lot of weight can be lifted off your mind - very pleased to hear that.

Is the deferring to what Mum wants what has always been the case, or is it because Dad acknowledges there is a problem but doesn't want to admit/deal with it? The problem with leaving moves as late as possible is that sometimes it becomes too late to make that change.

Primrose

Bad memory makes a very good case that the time for making a house move is really a little before the time comes when yiu feel it is necessary. By then it’s often the case that those involved can no longer cope with all the stresses and strains involved in selling a property, decluttering and moving, even if they have help.

When my parents were alive, an almost ideal property for them became available for them in our road, instead of them living a two hour journey away. I offered to handle their house decluttering marketing and sale but my father refused adamantly to make the move because “We’re coping fine dear here where we are.” He actually only had the delusion of coping because I spent alternate weekends down at their place, shopping, bulk cooking and gardening on top of my working life, to the point where I almost had a breakdown.

I,m convinced that had they moved to that property and were under my close eye, their situation would not have subsequently collapsed in the spectacular way that it did.

So encourage your parents to be realistic about their coping abilities to take on a stressful move and to do it while they still have the capabilities to settle down in new surroundings.

Tabbytabitha

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

that's your opinion, and maybe your family dynamics, but plenty of us have perfectly cordial relationships with our families without seeing them very often.

Like trailing spouse, I did increase visits to my parents as they became older and less able to manage things. It was exhausting at times, I'd take a suitcase to work and go up on Friday evening, come back on Sunday. That would have been very difficult to manage while our boys were still at school. I didn't even phone very often because Dad hated using the phone and replied in monosyllables, and Mum was too deaf, so our primary means of contact was - shock horror! - email! That's still my primary means of communicating with my siblings!

Obviously you see your family far more often, but please don't say that those who don't are 'odd'. They're just not the same as you!

Actually, one of our sons is itinerant, sometimes based in the UK, sometimes not. I'm lucky to see him twice a year, and he doesn't necessarily make a beeline for us when he comes back from foreign parts. I'm sure if he settled abroad we wouldn't necessarily visit him regularly, or vice versa!

Most of us would hope that our relationships with our children and parents was rather better than "cordial".

I don't see my parents now because they're dead but I'm happy that I did see them every 6 weeks or so while I could. You may come to regret your "cordiality".

Mojisola

Primrose wrote: »

So encourage your parents to be realistic about their coping abilities to take on a stressful move and to do it while they still have the capabilities to settle down in new surroundings.

And try to remember this as well when you reach the age when downsizing would be a good idea!

trailingspouse

Tabbytabitha - I will give you the benefit of the doubt and accept that your posts are meant to be helpful.

But could you please step back from this idea that unless our relationships with our families are the same as yours then they are not good enough? Your comments are unnecessary - families come in very many different styles, and we all just do the best we can with the families we have.

Not everyone is able to see their parents/offspring every 6 weeks and to say that you will regret it when they are dead is extremely hurtful. Extremely.

consultant31

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

I think only seeing elderly parents one every couple of months when you're only a couple of hour's drive away is quite odd, even if that's for a whole weekend. It's about how often you might see them if you lived abroad, not just down the road.

Only twice a year would indicate a strong dislike on somebody's part unless there are unusual circumstances involved.

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Most of us would hope that our relationships with our children and parents was rather better than "cordial".

I don't see my parents now because they're dead but I'm happy that I did see them every 6 weeks or so while I could. You may come to regret your "cordiality".

Not a lot of difference between "every couple of months" - which you deem not good enough, and "every six weeks or so" which is apparently fine because it's what you did.

Sometimes, opinions are best kept to yourself, since every family is different and what suits one, may not suit another.

*Robin*

As someone more used to discussing pets, must say the title of this thread makes my blood run cold...

ThumbRemote

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

I think only seeing elderly parents one every couple of months when you're only a couple of hour's drive away is quite odd, even if that's for a whole weekend. It's about how often you might see them if you lived abroad, not just down the road.

Only twice a year would indicate a strong dislike on somebody's part unless there are unusual circumstances involved.

It sounds very much like you never managed to cut the apron strings and build your own life. Whilst that is a very sad state of affairs, please don't assume that everyone else is exactly the same.

dandy-candy

OP the only thing I would probably change in your position is I'd call phone every day to see how they are. I mention this because luckily my mum did this with her parents and one day her mum had obviously had a stroke and her dad who was getting a bit scatty hadn't realised how serious things were and had just thought she was under the weather. It was only when my mum had questioned him about symptoms that she realised what was happening.
My grandparents were very independent until then, and I doubt my grandad would have called a doctor for several more hours (if at all that day) had my mum not spoken to him.