How do you know when 'it's time' - elderly parents

trailingspouse

My parents are in their 80s, and generally fit and well. But the cracks are beginning to show - father is forgetting things on a regular basis, mother's conversational record is a bit stuck, we get the same stories over and over.

Dad was in hospital yesterday, with chest pains (turned out to be nothing serious). They did a chest X-ray, then about an hour later a nurse asked if he'd had his X-ray and he said 'no'. They diagnosed a very minor chest infection, and gave him antibiotics - he was told 'one three times a day' but later that evening he was convinced it was one a day.

They'd told me they have their flu jabs today (Monday), and (very sensibly) were wondering if Dad would be OK to have his in view of the chest infection - but I happened to see the flu invite letters, and the appointment was Saturday (two days ago), so they've missed it.

But in general, they cope well - they eat healthily, Dad still drives, they get dressed up and go out for meals, they have opinions on world events, they can walk up the stairs without difficulty, the house is clean (well, to be honest, not as clean as it used to be, but still not bad), the garden is well kept.

So at what point do you step in and start to give extra help? It seems the choice is to either wait until there is some sort of crisis which proves that they're not coping, or risk offending them by stepping in too soon (before they think they need it).

I live about 2 hours' drive away, so I can be there reasonably quickly if I need to be, but I can't pop over every 5 minutes. I could however organise things so that I could go over, say, once a week - but I don't think they'd like the idea that I was 'checking up' on them.

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

Artytarty

It sounds like you maybe helps not them keep,on top,of appointments and engagements by writing on the calendar or making a weekly list of events might be a good idea.
In practical terms regard she house and garden it sounds fine.
Most folk don't manage quite the same standards thye used to as thye age a bit but that's no big deal.

If you knew what thye were supposed to be doing then you could subtly check in conversation if it had taken place. Make sure theyshop for food regularly too.

System

Ask...'do you want me to throw the vacuum round whilst I'm here?'.

Take an 'interest' in their appointments and remind them. A calender is a good idea.

See how you go from there.

pmlindyloo

Sounds like they are coping very well at the moment.

How often do you visit them? Do you phone them on a regular basis?

I think your concerns can be addressed over the phone or at your usual visit - unless you only visit once a year!

If you are afraid they are missing appointments you could make a joke of it - 'I have to put everything on my calendar or I would miss loads of things I am so busy' and then take/send a calendar - that sort of thing.

But only you know them so if you are generally concerned then up your visits/phone calls. AT lease that way you will be able to 'monitor' the situation before it turns into a crisis.

macman

Sort out the simple stuff for them first, if they agree. Utility bills: get yourself set up so you can manage them all online: gas/leccy/water/phone, council tax, home insurance. Put them all on DD (and make sure they are on the best deals at the same time). You can also deal with their GP online for appointments and prescriptions, and get them to sign a third party consent form.
Get a POA set up now for their financial affairs, while they are still able to give informed consent.
If you could arrange a cleaner even once a week, that would be someone else to keep an eye on them and let you know of any issues that arise.
I did this with my late mother, and while there was some initial resistance, once it was all in place and she didn't have to worry about it, then she was quite happy for me to manage it.
Your parents don't seem to have any difficulties with personal care or cooking/shopping, so deal with the other issues first, and that will give you more time later should their needs increase.
Another thing worth doing is to get them on the Priority Register for gas/leccy/water and phone.
None of these things will cost anything, other than a cleaner, and setting up the POA.

onlyroz

Has your dad been assessed for Alzheimer's or any other forms of dementia?

trailingspouse

Thanks for the thoughts so far.

We already have a POA in place.

I ring them once a week, and see them every couple of months - and yes, I'm going to start making sure I see them more often. Start with once a month and build up from there. I don't want them to think that I don't think they can cope - but I do think they just need a bit more help now.

He hasn't been assessed for Alzheimers, and I would like him to be. I suspect there's a bit of denial going on. I may have to ring their doctor's and have a chat.

Torry_Quine

trailingspouse wrote: »

Thanks for the thoughts so far.

We already have a POA in place.

I ring them once a week, and see them every couple of months - and yes, I'm going to start making sure I see them more often. Start with once a month and build up from there. I don't want them to think that I don't think they can cope - but I do think they just need a bit more help now.

He hasn't been assessed for Alzheimers, and I would like him to be. I suspect there's a bit of denial going on. I may have to ring their doctor's and have a chat.

You will need the permission of your parent for their GP to talk with you

sillygoose

macman wrote: »

Sort out the simple stuff for them first, if they agree. Utility bills: get yourself set up so you can manage them all online: gas/leccy/water/phone, council tax, home insurance. Put them all on DD (and make sure they are on the best deals at the same time). You can also deal with their GP online for appointments and prescriptions, and get them to sign a third party consent form.
Get a POA set up now for their financial affairs, while they are still able to give informed consent.
If you could arrange a cleaner even once a week, that would be someone else to keep an eye on them and let you know of any issues that arise.
I did this with my late mother, and while there was some initial resistance, once it was all in place and she didn't have to worry about it, then she was quite happy for me to manage it.
Your parents don't seem to have any difficulties with personal care or cooking/shopping, so deal with the other issues first, and that will give you more time later should their needs increase.
Another thing worth doing is to get them on the Priority Register for gas/leccy/water and phone.
None of these things will cost anything, other than a cleaner, and setting up the POA.

This is solid advice (been there!)
Are they financially secure? is the house manageable?

around this stage we took the opportunity to downsize my parents home to something more manageable than the big family home they no longer needed. This also released a lot of capital so they could enjoy life bit more, pay for a cleaner & tradesmen for things they could no longer do. It was also an opportunity to move nearer family which was handy later on.

Mojisola

Torry_Quine wrote: »

You will need the permission of your parent for their GP to talk with you

But most GPs will listen to a family member's concerns and can then make their own assessment when the patient is next seen.

Lioness_Twinkletoes

I thought this was a similar question to one that is asked on the pets board "Elderly cat....how do you know when it is time?"...