How do you know when 'it's time' - elderly parents

jackyann

Bit late to the party, but I wanted to pitch in, as 17 years ago, this was me and my parents. I decided that I would cut my hours, and go up once a week.
They had already decided to get a cleaner, and to sort out the garden, so I was left with the 'soft stuff'. But I found it so much easier to make suggestions when I knew what was going on. It was easy to look at the calendar whilst sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. I would find ways around checking, making it sound like chit-chat 'Did you say it was so-and-so's daughter that you see when you go for x appointment? Is that next week?'
They liked to take me out to lunch - and they could afford to, so I let them, and would say 'we're going by *supermarket* do you want to pop in for anything?'
Later I arranged with my employer to have flexible hours so I could attend important appointments. It didn't stop the dementia, but it did mean I was there, aware of what was happening, and helping as much as I could. I look back on that day a week with some fondness.

If you can, do it, but begin carefully, so you can drop out if you really can't manage it. I said 'oh, they're changing my job, and I've got the chance to have a few months at reduced hours, so I thought I'd pop up a bit more'.

dawyldthing

Be careful with the microwave - get a digital one ideally as my nan had 1 taken off her from the fire brigade as it said 3 minutes for the butter pudding but was in for 30.

Other thing is I'd possibly try and organise the appointments for a specific day once a fortnight so you can support them and follow stuff up - it can be overwealming at times

trailingspouse

Back from holiday - many thanks for all the suggestions.

I'm hoping to get down to see them some time this week, probably Thursday. I need to make my visits more of a routine, normal thing - at 2 hours away, this is the closest I've ever lived to them since I was 19, so visits (either of them to me or me to them) have always been an 'event'. This needs to change!

They don't have a microwave, so no worries on that score. They're really very old-fashioned - even for 80 somethings!! No freezer either! And I think a previous poster was right when they suggested all I can do is help them to continue doing what they've always done, rather than trying to get them to do something new.

Tabbytabitha

trailingspouse wrote: »

Thanks for the thoughts so far.

We already have a POA in place.

I ring them once a week, and see them every couple of months - and yes, I'm going to start making sure I see them more often. Start with once a month and build up from there. I don't want them to think that I don't think they can cope - but I do think they just need a bit more help now.

He hasn't been assessed for Alzheimers, and I would like him to be. I suspect there's a bit of denial going on. I may have to ring their doctor's and have a chat.

Is there a reason you have such little contact with them and visit so rarely? Are there issues within the family?

Savvy_Sue

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Is there a reason you have such little contact with them and visit so rarely? Are there issues within the family?

sounds with the range of normal to me: MIL phones me every Sunday evening, and we may see them a couple of times a year. If I spoke to them more often, there'd be nothing to say ... the weekly call consists mostly of reports of visits to various health professionals, and snippets of news from other friends and relations I barely know.

I encourage the boys (their grandchildren) to visit them whenever they're nearby, but again that's only a couple of times a year.

When my own parents were alive, contact was usually by email as Mum couldn't use the phone and Dad hated using it. It was only as they became less capable that contact and visits became planned / regular.

Contact with my siblings is rarely by phone, and getting together requires a certain amount of planning and notice with some of them more willing to show up than others.

trailingspouse

I moved 300 miles away when I was 19, then spent 3 years travelling (in the days before easy worldwide communication), then moved to somewhere about 700 miles away (flight or ferry the only options). Have also spent time living abroad. I guess I became very independent very quickly.

We deliberately moved to be closer to them a few years ago, so for us seeing each other 5-6 times a year is an improvement!

Tabbytabitha

I think only seeing elderly parents one every couple of months when you're only a couple of hour's drive away is quite odd, even if that's for a whole weekend. It's about how often you might see them if you lived abroad, not just down the road.

Only twice a year would indicate a strong dislike on somebody's part unless there are unusual circumstances involved.

trailingspouse

Erm - Tabbytabitha. 'Quite odd' - no, it's perfectly normal for us. It would seem quite odd if we were living in each other's pockets. Like I say, 5-6 times a year is an improvement on how it has been in the past - I'm sorry if that's not good enough for you. This whole thread has been about how I can increase the number of times I visit without them thinking I'm checking up on them.

So, anyway - I'm going down to see them on Thursday. I bought them a couple of nice souvenirs from our holiday, which is a good excuse for going down.

gingercordial

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

I think only seeing elderly parents one every couple of months when you're only a couple of hour's drive away is quite odd, even if that's for a whole weekend. It's about how often you might see them if you lived abroad, not just down the road.

Only twice a year would indicate a strong dislike on somebody's part unless there are unusual circumstances involved.

I don't think it's odd. I moved away to London many years ago from my home town which is about 3 hours away by car or train. It isn't "just down the road" when it takes the whole weekend. At the moment I go to visit for the weekend maybe 4 or 5 times a year and can usually persuade them to come here once. My husband's parents live in the other direction so we can't combine visits and between them on average we are visiting one set or the other monthly. Perhaps that's not "enough" for some but my husband works shifts which include some weekends and we do need some to ourselves.

My parents are in their late 60s so not yet as old as OP's but I can see the same thing becoming an issue in time. I cannot envisage ever moving back to my home town as both of our careers are London-based and also with the in-laws being the other way it would only mean even further to travel to one set or the other; at least we're in the hub here.

If it gets to that stage and I have to spend every weekend on a six hour return train trip, of course I will just have to get on with it, but visiting every couple of months now certainly does not indicate I don't love them!

Savvy_Sue

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

I think only seeing elderly parents one every couple of months when you're only a couple of hour's drive away is quite odd, even if that's for a whole weekend. It's about how often you might see them if you lived abroad, not just down the road.

Only twice a year would indicate a strong dislike on somebody's part unless there are unusual circumstances involved.

that's your opinion, and maybe your family dynamics, but plenty of us have perfectly cordial relationships with our families without seeing them very often.

Like trailing spouse, I did increase visits to my parents as they became older and less able to manage things. It was exhausting at times, I'd take a suitcase to work and go up on Friday evening, come back on Sunday. That would have been very difficult to manage while our boys were still at school. I didn't even phone very often because Dad hated using the phone and replied in monosyllables, and Mum was too deaf, so our primary means of contact was - shock horror! - email! That's still my primary means of communicating with my siblings!

Obviously you see your family far more often, but please don't say that those who don't are 'odd'. They're just not the same as you!

Actually, one of our sons is itinerant, sometimes based in the UK, sometimes not. I'm lucky to see him twice a year, and he doesn't necessarily make a beeline for us when he comes back from foreign parts. I'm sure if he settled abroad we wouldn't necessarily visit him regularly, or vice versa!