Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay my ex's mum back?

MSE_Sarah

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I was in a long-term relationship that ended messily and haven’t seen my ex since. During the relationship, her mum (who’s pretty well-off) lent me around £1,000 for health-related expenses I couldn’t afford. When the relationship ended, I wasn’t well or in a good financial position, not least because my ex, who earned double what I did, owed me £300-400 she never gave me back. Nevertheless, I got in contact with her mum to repay the loan, but never heard back. I’m now in a better financial position – and healthier - and wonder if I should attempt to get in touch with my ex's mum again so I can pay her back. On the one hand, I feel I should let sleeping dogs lie, on the other, I still feel guilty as her mum was great and was really generous to lend me the money in the first place. I’d hate to think she has me labelled as a sponging deadbeat.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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AnneMary

Yes, you should get in touch with her mum because this isn't resolved for you and it bothers you. Good endings are important. I would suggest writing to your exes mum and saying more or less what you put in your question. Forget the bit about you ex owing you - this is not about her. Concentrate on the good bits about your past relationship with her mum - perhaps remembering a special memory and say how much you appreciated her generosity. Enclose a cheque -she can choose not to cash it.
Even if you don't hear back, knowing that you have done the right thing will, I hope, close this chapter of your life well.

nimbo

What does this have to do with buying renting or selling a house?

roubiliac

Even considering welching on your debt suggests you already are!

Davesnave

This is surely for the Marriage and Relationships Forum.

Here, it's a lot of legalish stuff rather than huggy-kissy advice.

However, as the OP describes the money as a loan, it seems fairly obvious that it should be paid-back. One of the rare occasions where a cheque should do the trick, perhaps?

kazt2006

I would try and make contact again and if you can afford it, send a cheque for the whole amount. If she banks it great, issue complete, if not you tried and you can assume she doesn't want it back. Beware though cheques can be banked indefinitely, in practice most banks refuse them 6 months after they were first dated.

Marvel1

nimbo wrote: »

What does this have to do with buying renting or selling a house?

When unread it, I thought I could have sworn I had house buying and selling forum up, best suited for marriage and relationships forum.

May as well answer it, send a cheque with a letter, up to them what they do to it.

gaving7095

roubiliac wrote: »

Even considering welching on your debt suggests you already are!

LOL I could not agree more with that ^^^^

Of course pay it back. Sorry to say, I think the "Pay back what you owe" answer is very obvious and you'd have to be posting on another forum (spongingdeadbeats.com?) for any other advice!

A_Frayed_Knot

Pay it back, but not in cash, have a record somewhere of what and when you paid it back. A cheque would do, but do you really want to keep waiting the 6 months wondering if and when it is going to be cashed.

It's not his mum's fault you split up, would have been slightly different if she had given to boyfriend and he gave it to you, not as a loan.


You will feel much better once closure has been reached, and you will feel good about yourself, and as always karma will come your way. It's the right thing to do.

moneyistooshorttomention

To me the only question in my mind would be whether to pay it back minus the money the ex-girlfriend owed me (ie up to the ex to pay her mother back the money she owes you iyswim).

On balance, I'd be inclined to pay the mother all the money back and chase the ex-girlfriend for what she owed me (cue for following "proper" process to get the money back from the ex and, if that didnt work - Facebook shaming on the ex of a nice/clear/objective "what happened" type statement of what she did - so that people can see what she's capable of and judge for themselves whether they still wish to know her).

philfuller

hi there

Suggest you write to her recorded delivery (presuming you have her address) saying you want to pay her back but she needs to confirm in writing she still wants it (by 3 weeks of date of letter).

tell her if she doesn't want the cash you will donate it to a charity of your choice (who will also benefit from Gift Aid) and will post her the receipt

Conscience clear one way or another. Then move on

cheers Phil