My girlfriend's 'friend' taking advantage?

Jlawson118

Primrose wrote: »

Well you've had your fingers burnt once so you're ahead of the learning game here. If the rest of your relationship with your girlfriend is fine you don't really want to be faced with giving her an ultimatum i.e. choose between her and me, because we all need outside friendships.


However, the scales have not fallen off her eyes yet as to how she might be being used. I can only suggest that perhaps you ease back on your relationship for a little while and see if she notices. You could then perhaps explain to her that you are genuinely worried about how this friendship could affect your long term relationship and that having been hurt once, you felt it sensible to draw back a little before both of you get in too deeply and the same thing happens again.


That may cause her to possibly see her relationship with this from a slightly different perspective and start questioning how she maintains a balance, or where in fact her preferences lie if she were forced to make choices.


There's no need to make an ultimatum about this, but easing back the relationship might prevent you being badly hurt again if your long term anxieties cannot be resolved. I think when people have these niggling underlying worries about an aspect of a relationship, there is normally a genuine reason, given our previous experiences and instincts, for taking them seriously.. There must be many people who on looking back on their lives, wish they'd taken more notice of their instincts at the time.

I wouldn't ever make an ultimatum anyway, she's known the girl a lot longer than me but even if she'd known her less, it still isn't for me to get with her and dictate who she is or isn't friends with

I am holding back a little bit. Well I am moving forwards slightly but I am hoping she does see for herself what's going on. I mean the points I've raised in this thread were proven yet again last night. She was supposed to be seeing them last night and then the friend cancelled on her last minute. Literally. I'm seeing my girlfriend today and she said she's going to explain. So I'll see what else she's got to say. But this is what I meant in my OP, this friend doesn't want to know her unless she wants her to look after the children..:mad:

Jlawson118

Caroline_a wrote: »

2 ponies??? for a one year old????? the cost of one pony alone (done properly) is way out of most people's budget. Your girlfriend's friend is delusional.. or is she a traveller and the ponies tied up by the side of the road?

Funny you should say that about her being a traveller. I pointed out a new pub/restaurant that's just cropped up to my girlfriend the other day and said it's not a bad place to eat sometimes, it's just the people in there that's an issue (traveller's who jump the queue or get close in queues etc). And she turned around and said that this friend likes to go there.

I accidentally jumped straight in there and said "I can understand why.." but I don't think my girlfriend quite cottoned on :rotfl:

Although she does own a yard apparently, but has a very unusually small and awkward house. I've never been there myself, but it's only one bedroom and yet she has two children and a load of pets..I think my girlfriend and/or her mum have told me people have told her to sell the yard and buy a proper house but she's always refused..

LandyAndy

Jlawson118 wrote: »

Funny you should say that about her being a traveller. I pointed out a new pub/restaurant that's just cropped up to my girlfriend the other day and said it's not a bad place to eat sometimes, it's just the people in there that's an issue (traveller's who jump the queue or get close in queues etc). And she turned around and said that this friend likes to go there.

I accidentally jumped straight in there and said "I can understand why.." but I don't think my girlfriend quite cottoned on :rotfl:

Although she does own a yard apparently, but has a very unusually small and awkward house. I've never been there myself, but it's only one bedroom and yet she has two children and a load of pets..I think my girlfriend and/or her mum have told me people have told her to sell the yard and buy a proper house but she's always refused..

How many wheels does it have?:cool:

Jlawson118

LandyAndy wrote: »

How many wheels does it have?:cool:

You've just made my day :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Jlawson118

This honestly gets worse and worse. So I mentioned that my girlfriend was supposed to see the two girls on Monday evening and the friend messed her around, said at 5/6pm she was nipping out for half an hour, she'd let her know when she'd be home. She never messaged my girlfriend until after midnight which was obviously too late.

Yesterday, this friend wanted a favour, for my girlfriend to come to some social services meeting today, after the girl's boyfriend was recently involved in some fight, and he never blamed his girlfriend but the police got social services involved in case it was. So she wanted my girlfriend to put in a good word for her but she was planning to meet me today because I'm away this weekend sorting out some important family stuff.

I told her she was welcome to go to the meeting and I'd see her Sunday afternoon or Monday on her day off work depending when things get sorted. But she said she'd rather spend it with me. But this morning I saw photos on Snapchat of my girlfriend with the baby, turns out the friend called around last night. My girlfriend then said this morning that she was in the process of writing this letter for social services instead.

I even turned around to her and said "You do know now that she's brought the kids around last night, and you've done this letter like what she wanted, you won't hear from her until she wants something else?" and my point was proven when my girlfriend messaged her how things at the meeting went, and a few hours later she just got a reply saying 'Ok'

Why is she so naive?!? She's so wrapped up in wanting to care for these children, she doesn't realise that her so called friend is using her! And the worst thing is, this little girl of one year old now, who was poorly, was up and awake up until midnight at my girlfriend's! I can't understand why her mother in her right mind would let a child of that age stay up and out until so late!

I turned around to my girlfriend the other day and was talking about when I lost my job earlier this year, it's proved that I only have her, and one of my other friends as real friends who I know would stick by me in a crisis. And she turned around and said I'd be the same in that situation, then named another friend of hers who is lovely. And then this friend who's using her!

I'm starting to see more and more that this girl has her wrapped around her little finger..

Primrose

Your girlfriend is getting more and more sucked into this situation with this woman and her less than normal circumstances and you, in consequence, are increasingly starting to realise how you are unwittingly going to be sucked in too if you end up having a future together.

I think you are now starting to realise that your girlfriend's kindness or niaevity (or both) has a real potential to wreck your relationship as you would want to see it progress going forward.

All I will say is that this whole business seems to be a line in the sand for you which is obviously not going to go away. Your girlfriend at some point could find herself dragged into some potentially very difficult circumstances with Social Services over this woman and the way she behaves towards her child and new baby which could start impacting and interfering with the way she lives her own life. Your girlfriend may see it as trying to help. Those in Social Services may look on it as your girlfriend colluding with her friend in neglect of her children. I don,t know what your girlfriend does for a living. If its anything to do with children or safeguarding she needs to be very careful of her reputation and potential further deep involvement.

She will probably have to learn the lesson the hard way. She doesn,t sound as if she!s yet ready to acknowledge she's being used. That will only happen when this woman does a few more things which seriously interfere with or mess up your girlfriend's own life to the point where it becomes intolerable.

You meanwhile will have to decide whether you're going to accept this or start pulling back before it becomes a constant source of arguments and disagreements between you.

Jlawson118

Primrose wrote: »

Your girlfriend is getting more and more sucked into this situation with this woman and her less than normal circumstances and you, in consequence, are increasingly starting to realise how you are unwittingly going to be sucked in too if you end up having a future together.

I think you are now starting to realise that your girlfriend's kindness or niaevity (or both) has a real potential to wreck your relationship as you would want to see it progress going forward.

All I will say is that this whole business seems to be a line in the sand for you which is obviously not going to go away. Your girlfriend at some point could find herself dragged into some potentially very difficult circumstances with Social Services over this woman and the way she behaves towards her child and new baby which could start impacting and interfering with the way she lives her own life. Your girlfriend may see it as trying to help. Those in Social Services may look on it as your girlfriend colluding with her friend in neglect of her children. I don,t know what your girlfriend does for a living. If its anything to do with children or safeguarding she needs to be very careful of her reputation and potential further deep involvement.

She will probably have to learn the lesson the hard way. She doesn,t sound as if she!s yet ready to acknowledge she's being used. That will only happen when this woman does a few more things which seriously interfere with or mess up your girlfriend's own life to the point where it becomes intolerable.

You meanwhile will have to decide whether you're going to accept this or start pulling back before it becomes a constant source of arguments and disagreements between you.

Luckily she doesn't work with kids, but still, I know where you're coming from and you're completely right. I just hope she manages to see that she's being used very soon, rather than later otherwise there will be consequences from it, and I can't see myself staying with her if that is the case.

I honestly wouldn't mind her looking after the girls every once in a while, it's more to the point that she only sees them when their mother wants something! It's emotional blackmail :mad:

annandale

You sound obsessed. And the anti traveller comments might make you snigger. Try working with traveller families and see the discrimination they face. It's not down to you whether she looks after the girls or not.

You are trying to control her life and you sound obsessed. She's an adult. She can be friends with who she likes.

Regardless of whether you think that they are unsuitable.

Jlawson118

annandale wrote: »

You sound obsessed. And the anti traveller comments might make you snigger. Try working with traveller families and see the discrimination they face. It's not down to you whether she looks after the girls or not.

You are trying to control her life and you sound obsessed. She's an adult. She can be friends with who she likes.

Regardless of whether you think that they are unsuitable.

Again, what part of me has said I don't want her to be friends with the girl? I'm not controlling, I'm merely concerned that she's being taken advantage of. I'm not anti-traveller either, and the girl herself isn't a traveller either.

As you'll have seen in my previous comments, myself and my family went through this with my ex girlfriend, 10X as worse. I don't want somebody else I care about going through the same thing.