My girlfriend's 'friend' taking advantage?

Jlawson118

Myself and my girlfriend have known each other and been friends for around 3/4 years, but we've been dating for around six months now. Although she has a friend who I do remember from years ago as they went on nights out together and be very close friends.

However, a lot has changed over the last few years I recently discovered when we went out for a meal. My girlfriend was telling me how this friend of hers was with a guy, had a baby with him, they broke up and now she has a baby on the way with someone else, which is due in the next week I think. Yet they constantly complain they have no money, but had just bought a new car. They'll dump the little girl upon my girlfriend with a dirty nappy and not bring any more, or won't bring any food, or dress her in clothes that are too small for her knowing my girlfriend will buy them more.

She has a very large soft spot for children, she always has for as long as I've known her and she will be an absolutely brilliant mum to her own children one day. But this friend of hers knows about the soft spot and uses it to her own advantage. Now what my girlfriend spends her money on is none of my business, she's recently started a new job and works hard, but obviously I care about her a lot and don't want people using her and taking advantage of her. But with the second baby on the way, this just means double the trouble.

I wouldn't say that the little girl's mum is a bad mother. I mean a few weeks ago she thought she'd gone into early labour and my girlfriend had to look after the little girl. I was there when her mum came to pick her up and there was so much love between the both of them.

We were talking about it last week though, and apparently this girl has a number of unpaid parking tickets, the car needs repairing that they 'can't afford.' And yet she's just bought two new ponies for her little girl and seems to be splashing the cash. My girlfriend was annoyed, said she won't lend her any money which I knew she wouldn't anyway, but I know she loves and wants what is best for the little girl so she will end up buying her new clothes and everything. Plus this girl and her new boyfriend keep falling out and arguing and keep supposedly breaking up. Then they're back together. But when together he smokes weed in front of their little girl, and swears or says racist abuse that she then has started to repeat. And she doesn't even want to know my girlfriend unless she wants her to look after the little girl or wants help with something else.

Like it winds me up that my girlfriend still has anything to do with her. I know she does it for the sake of the little girl and doesn't want to lose contact with her and I have to understand that.

I'm wondering if anybody else has experienced this with their other half, and did the issue ever get resolved?

annandale

Experienced what? Having friends you don't like?

Fireflyaway

Everyone has different parenting methods and it can be hard to witness people treating kids badly. I don't think there is much you can do. You don't want to get in between your partner and her friend and I'm sure she knows your feelings.
People do make stupid choices as well! I'd say the best thing to do is offer emotional support but not new clothes or money or nappies. That way there are clear boundaries and your partner will know her friend values her and not what she provides. If she drops contact as a result I'm guessing she wasn't a great friend. Remember though this friend might not be being treated great by her boyfriend? Maybe the lack of money / scruffy appearance is down to him / stress of being around him? She might just not know how to say it?

Primrose

I think you're worried that you and your girlfriend may want to become a permanent item and it will end up with "there being three of us in this marriage" and your girlfriend's friend and her child being a continual drain in your domestic finances.

Frankly this is waving a big red alert for me and I think you need to share your fears with your girlfriend. If she,s incapapable or unwilling to pull back on the amount of time and miney she's spending as a freebie child minder I think yiu should seriously consider whether a long term commitment is where yiu want to go. I can see it becoming a source of endless resentment in future.

Your girlfriend is being taken advantage of and if she doesn,t start drawing a few lines in the sand now she will find herself in a mire of her own making.

Jlawson118

Primrose wrote: »

I think you're worried that you and your girlfriend may want to become a permanent item and it will end up with "there being three of us in this marriage" and your girlfriend's friend and her child being a continual drain in your domestic finances.

Frankly this is waving a big red alert for me and I think you need to share your fears with your girlfriend. If she,s incapapable or unwilling to pull back on the amount of time and miney she's spending as a freebie child minder I think yiu should seriously consider whether a long term commitment is where yiu want to go. I can see it becoming a source of endless resentment in future.

Your girlfriend is being taken advantage of and if she doesn,t start drawing a few lines in the sand now she will find herself in a mire of her own making.

I think you've hit the nail on the head right there. I couldn't figure out why it was bothering me so much but I think it is fears for the future.

I don't think I'd mind too much if this friend actually treat my girlfriend like a friend, but instead she only ever gets in touch when she needs something, like her little girl looking after or something. And literally as I started replying to your post, I just had a message to say she's just had the other baby now :mad:

Primrose

So this is going to involve your girlfriend in double trouble, time and moneywise. I think she needs to seriously consider her options.
Time for a very frank chat, I think. Your girlfriend's friend seems financially imprudent to say the least and I think your girlfriend is being naïve at best if she can't project this situation forward and see where it might be leading.


Perhaps you need to put your cards on the table and be honest with her about your concerns. You or she may end up having to make a choice. People like this are "users" big time

maman

While you can' tell her what to do, I agree that you should speak up about your concerns.


Don't be too critical of the friend just say that she seems to be called to help out a lot and that you're worried that it's too much with the new job and everything. Now would be a good time to be saying 'I worry about you as I think you're doing too much and could be asked to do more with 2 babies'. This may lead to a conversation but enough maybe for your girlfriend to note your point of view. When it comes up again just say (kindly) that you've given your views and you think she asks too much. The last thing you need is for you two to fall out over it.

Jlawson118

Primrose wrote: »

So this is going to involve your girlfriend in double trouble, time and moneywise. I think she needs to seriously consider her options.
Time for a very frank chat, I think. Your girlfriend's friend seems financially imprudent to say the least and I think your girlfriend is being naïve at best if she can't project this situation forward and see where it might be leading.


Perhaps you need to put your cards on the table and be honest with her about your concerns. You or she may end up having to make a choice. People like this are "users" big time

maman wrote: »

While you can' tell her what to do, I agree that you should speak up about your concerns.


Don't be too critical of the friend just say that she seems to be called to help out a lot and that you're worried that it's too much with the new job and everything. Now would be a good time to be saying 'I worry about you as I think you're doing too much and could be asked to do more with 2 babies'. This may lead to a conversation but enough maybe for your girlfriend to note your point of view. When it comes up again just say (kindly) that you've given your views and you think she asks too much. The last thing you need is for you two to fall out over it.

I have had the discussion with her a few times and she just tells me that she doesn't plan to financially support them, not the mother who's in money trouble anyway.

Saying this though, the last time my girlfriend had the little girl was about a month and half ago, before that it must have been a long time before that. She won't lose touch with the little girl because she loves watching her growing up, she's brilliant with kids and just has this natural mothering instinct and I can't fault her for it. If there's anyone I'd want to have a family with in the future then it would be her.

I think it just disturbs me more that this girl can actually use her children to easily manipulate my girlfriend though. She knows herself that she's being taken advantage but won't lose the little girl. @Primrose, it's true what you say about her being a user and I can see it from a mile off, my ex girlfriend was like this towards me and my family and it's mentally scarred me. It's almost a year since we broke up and I'm only just managing to get back on my feet. I just don't want my girlfriend now to feel the backlash of this one day because it's not a nice feeling, but also it might get to the point where she'll be blackmailed.

@Maman, I discussed the exact subject about the job as soon as she got it around this time last month, knowing the new baby was on the way, and she did say she'd put the job first and agreed with me. This is it though, I don't want to fall out with her over it. I think she can see what's going on herself but if I had my own way, she'd bin this friend off completely. But I can't control/demand that. Which is a shame because she does have other friends who are lovely :rotfl:

Primrose

Well in this case I think you have to be very honest with your girlfriend about how your previous issues have affected you and your concerns about it happening by default again.

If you really think this relationship has the potential to be serious then your girlfriend needs to be aware where the line in the sand is for you, and if she's kindly disposed to the little girl, she also needs to work out for herself where her own boundaries are going to be. She perhaps also needs to have a serious and honest discussion with the girl's mother fairly soon about where her boundaries lie because I envisage that now a second baby has been born the pressures on her are likely to increase quite quickly.

maman

Thanks for your response. It seems that it's not really happening that often. You've had your say. Leave it now. She'll obviously want to see the new baby at some point but just keep alert and raise it gently again if it becomes more regular.

Jlawson118

Primrose wrote: »

Well in this case I think you have to be very honest with your girlfriend about how your previous issues have affected you and your concerns about it happening by default again.

If you really think this relationship has the potential to be serious then your girlfriend needs to be aware where the line in the sand is for you, and if she's kindly disposed to the little girl, she also needs to work out for herself where her own boundaries are going to be. She perhaps also needs to have a serious and honest discussion with the girl's mother fairly soon about where her boundaries lie because I envisage that now a second baby has been born the pressures on her are likely to increase quite quickly.

maman wrote: »

Thanks for your response. It seems that it's not really happening that often. You've had your say. Leave it now. She'll obviously want to see the new baby at some point but just keep alert and raise it gently again if it becomes more regular.

Well the ball is entirely in her court now. All I will do now is sit back and watch and guide her. If things do get all the more demanding throughout time then I will have to talk to her and come to some kind of agreement. Obviously I don't mind her seeing and wanting to be in these children's lives, it's more I don't want this woman taking advantage. But like you've said and I agree, it is time for me to leave it for now.

And see the baby at some point? She's heading there now as we speak :eek: That's how excited she is :rotfl: