My girlfriend's 'friend' taking advantage?

Cakeguts

All I would say about this is that when you are in a relationship you don't have mine and yours so much as ours. This can apply to finances as well. So in your case "our" money is being spent on someone's child so that the mother of that child can "buy" the child with expensive presents that she can't afford? I know that you don't mind your partner spending this money but she should really be considering that it isn't just her money. It is your's and her's combined "ours."

So what is happening is your partner is spending "our" money on a child so that the child's mother can get free clothes for her child. Now there is another child your partner could be spending "our" money on both of these children. Has your partner ever asked you if you mind about this? Because if she hadn't spent the money in this way maybe the two you could have spent it on something that you can do together? So it isn't a case of there being 3 people in your relationship in the future, the future is here now your partner is paying for someone else's luxuries by buying clothes for their child. There is no end to this. At some point she is going to have to say no or it could go on and on and for bigger and bigger amounts of money.

She might like to decide that now is a good time to stop buying things for this child rather than when she is older and needs more things?

surveyqueenuk

So your GF is letting herself be financially abused because "awww baybeeez"? I doubt the parking tickets exist. Of course this kid has clothes that fit. Of course it has nappies (as an aside, why does a child in nappies need ONE pony, never mind two?). and there most certainly is food. Her "friend" is just extracting the urine because she knows she can get away with it.

What's more, your GF is enabling the weed smoking. They'll continue to spend on weed because they know she will pick up the tab in other ways. They'll continue to leave the kid sitting in a nappy full of carp, risking nappy rash and infection because they know a new pack will be bought in an hour or so. They'll continue to let the kid go hungry because they know that if they hang on long enough, GF will feed them.

The child is being put at risk and GF needs to take her baby blinkers off and look at the bigger picture.

JIL

I think your feelings for your girlfriend is coming into play. You can see they are taking advantage of her generous nature and that is getting to you.
They are not spending their money on what perhaps things you see as important and with another child that will get worse perhaps?
There must be a bond between your girlfriend and her friend, they are both in relationships, you even say your girlfriend has lots of other friends, but yet she stays in touch with this friend, so there's something keeping them together, I doubt it's just your girlfriends love of children.

Your girlfriend sounds lovely, just support her, don't judge and don't force her to choose, anything could happen in the future.

Jlawson118

Cakeguts wrote: »

All I would say about this is that when you are in a relationship you don't have mine and yours so much as ours. This can apply to finances as well. So in your case "our" money is being spent on someone's child so that the mother of that child can "buy" the child with expensive presents that she can't afford? I know that you don't mind your partner spending this money but she should really be considering that it isn't just her money. It is your's and her's combined "ours."

So what is happening is your partner is spending "our" money on a child so that the child's mother can get free clothes for her child. Now there is another child your partner could be spending "our" money on both of these children. Has your partner ever asked you if you mind about this? Because if she hadn't spent the money in this way maybe the two you could have spent it on something that you can do together? So it isn't a case of there being 3 people in your relationship in the future, the future is here now your partner is paying for someone else's luxuries by buying clothes for their child. There is no end to this. At some point she is going to have to say no or it could go on and on and for bigger and bigger amounts of money.

She might like to decide that now is a good time to stop buying things for this child rather than when she is older and needs more things?

I wouldn't quite say at this moment in time that either of our money is 'ours' as it's so early on between the two of us, and we aren't living together or anything like that just yet. But I do agree that money could be saved for us both to go out.

Although I don't think she has bought anything for the little girl clothes wise since before we got together, apart from maybe food and nappies but even so it's the mother's fault for not giving her any and she shouldn't have to buy them herself. But I'll have to see how things go in the future, because if she does continue buying things and it gets too much then I can't do with three people in this relationship

Jlawson118

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

So your GF is letting herself be financially abused because "awww baybeeez"? I doubt the parking tickets exist. Of course this kid has clothes that fit. Of course it has nappies (as an aside, why does a child in nappies need ONE pony, never mind two?). and there most certainly is food. Her "friend" is just extracting the urine because she knows she can get away with it.

What's more, your GF is enabling the weed smoking. They'll continue to spend on weed because they know she will pick up the tab in other ways. They'll continue to leave the kid sitting in a nappy full of carp, risking nappy rash and infection because they know a new pack will be bought in an hour or so. They'll continue to let the kid go hungry because they know that if they hang on long enough, GF will feed them.

The child is being put at risk and GF needs to take her baby blinkers off and look at the bigger picture.

It's just the boyfriend who smokes weed I think, not herself. Well not that I know of anyway. But you are right in saying all this about the ponies, and my girlfriend said the exact same to me last week that there was no need for it, especially when in so much debt as it is. So she sees some of the picture but unfortunately just not all of it. She acts all tough and hard in other situations and that winds me up, but the minute there's a baby in the picture and she's just so soft and vulnerable..:mad:

Jlawson118

JIL wrote: »

I think your feelings for your girlfriend is coming into play. You can see they are taking advantage of her generous nature and that is getting to you.
They are not spending their money on what perhaps things you see as important and with another child that will get worse perhaps?
There must be a bond between your girlfriend and her friend, they are both in relationships, you even say your girlfriend has lots of other friends, but yet she stays in touch with this friend, so there's something keeping them together, I doubt it's just your girlfriends love of children.

Your girlfriend sounds lovely, just support her, don't judge and don't force her to choose, anything could happen in the future.

I don't know to be completely honest, like she doesn't have a nice word to say about this friend, and it kind of winds me up that she is still in touch with her just over a baby. I can't imagine it either that it's just her love for children, but I also can't imagine what she sees in this friend. She has a friend who she knows from college, she's been with her boyfriend for six years, I see a special bond between those two and feel happy for them both when they spend time together but I wish I could say the same for the other girl with the baby

IAmWales

Jlawson118 wrote: »

Well the ball is entirely in her court now. All I will do now is sit back and watch and guide her.

Guide her? Your girlfriend is an adult, I doubt very much that she needs your guidance.

You've only been with your girlfriend for six months, and you're trying to control who she is friends with. That's not healthy. This woman might not be a good person, or your girlfriend may know and understand things that you do not. Either way your girlfriend is still an individual and has the right to spend time with whoever she wishes.

Jlawson118

IAmWales wrote: »

Guide her? Your girlfriend is an adult, I doubt very much that she needs your guidance.

You've only been with your girlfriend for six months, and you're trying to control who she is friends with. That's not healthy. This woman might not be a good person, or your girlfriend may know and understand things that you do not. Either way your girlfriend is still an individual and has the right to spend time with whoever she wishes.

There's no way I'm trying to control who she's friends with. I'm more about how the girl is taking advantage of her. Six months is a short length of time yes but when I see somebody I care about being manipulated,, obviously it's irritating. And like other posts have mentioned, this could affect the relationship in the future which is what I was more fearful about.

I work my absolute backside off at my job and for the past few weeks I've even been working nights. 12 months time if we're living together, I don't exactly want to come home to a house full of screaming kids and having my wallet drained just for some mother to sit on her backside whilst she can't be bothered looking after her own kids, so she can go on nights out or spend her money on useless stuff like drugs or ponies :mad:

maman

Jlawson118 wrote: »

Saying this though, the last time my girlfriend had the little girl was about a month and half ago, before that it must have been a long time before that.

I think you're over reacting to this. What you've said about the frequency of visits it's hardly excessive. If you're not careful you'll get obsessive about it and it'll spoil your relationship. Focus on the good points.:)

Primrose

This is obviously something you feel very strongly about, (and in my view rightly given that you are trying to be very realistic about how you're trying to plan your life going forward and are doing your best to foresee any possible problems and deal with them ). Anticipating a potential likely spanner in the works going forward is better than trying to ignore it now and persuade yourself it might never happen.


Well, it might not, but given your girlfriend's kind nature and disposition towards this little girl, I honestly wouldn't bank on it. And if she gets to know you better, she will start to realise that the two of you are likely to have two divergent views on the matter of how money (and effectively joint money) could end up being spent.


I suggest you give it two or three months to see how things settle down with the new baby (and my guess is that they will probably end up being rather chaotic) and then be very honest with your girlfriend about where you hope your relationship will be going and what your thoughts and feelings are. There is little point in carrying on with the relationship if this is going to be an issue which looks like being a never ceasing irritation into the future. I think I've been round long enough to know how disagreement on financially related matters can end up being a really divisive issues between couples so honesty up front can save a lot of heartbreak further down the road, especially if you've already been burnt once with these problems.


Just because you hope something will never happen, doesn't mean that it won't ! If your girlfriend isn't strong enough to avoid being manipulated by this woman, there's always a possibility it could happen again with somebody else in the future. She may have a kind nature, but there are times, for the sake of the main relationship in one's life, that one needs to acknowledge where ones priorities lie and that is best done at any early stage to avoid a lot of anguish on all sides.