My girlfriend's 'friend' taking advantage?

Jlawson118

maman wrote: »

I think you're over reacting to this. What you've said about the frequency of visits it's hardly excessive. If you're not careful you'll get obsessive about it and it'll spoil your relationship. Focus on the good points.:)

I know what you're saying and don't disagree, it was more I was more wound up by what my girlfriend told me those few months back, about how she's had to buy all sorts for the little girl that her friend already has, and I've kind of sat and stewed on the fact that the other one was quite close to being born too. I can imagine that you'll understand all I want is a happy future, and I honestly don't want to be coming home one day in the future to pretty much a nursery of this girl's kids. Because it wouldn't surprise me if there'll be another one on the way soon..

annandale

Her life. Her choice who she wants to be friends with.

Hope that sinks in soon.

warby68

I'd just try and keep a sense of proportion.

Your girlfriend probably loves the little girl - if the visits and favour times are infrequent and the 'cost' is a few nappies and food, on balance it isn't a fortune and she has probably 'weighed' up that she can live with that level of advantage taking. The clothes is more a choice of whether to or not and as its great fun buying things for small children your girlfriend probably gets something out of it too.

Its not ideal but when you love a child you do compromise and maybe that's what your girlfriend has done knowingly. As long as she is aware and doesn't let it escalate its probably more destructive to try and break the bond.

Jlawson118

warby68 wrote: »

I'd just try and keep a sense of proportion.

Your girlfriend probably loves the little girl - if the visits and favour times are infrequent and the 'cost' is a few nappies and food, on balance it isn't a fortune and she has probably 'weighed' up that she can live with that level of advantage taking. The clothes is more a choice of whether to or not and as its great fun buying things for small children your girlfriend probably gets something out of it too.

Its not ideal but when you love a child you do compromise and maybe that's what your girlfriend has done knowingly. As long as she is aware and doesn't let it escalate its probably more destructive to try and break the bond.

It isn't the bond that I'm trying to break. It's pretty much a case of this girl's mother taking advantage. I understand that there will be occasions where she forgets food, or nappies or something but not every single time. My girlfriend does love the little girl, that's a given, and I wouldn't ever want her to stop seeing her.

It's more just getting to me how much this mother uses that love to take advantage of her though. It's like I said earlier, what my girlfriend spends her money on whether she can afford it or not at this moment in time is none of my business, so my issue isn't about her spending money on the little girl, it's more the mother just dumps the girl upon her and every time expects her to foot the bill. She's never paid her for her time, if anything it's her who has to pay to babysit somebody else's child! :mad:

phillw

Jlawson118 wrote: »

She's never paid her for her time, if anything it's her who has to pay to babysit somebody else's child! :mad:

Do you pay her for the time she spends with you?

People are stupid when it comes to those they love, which is fortunate because otherwise we wouldn't exist. There is a danger that if you change your girlfriends attitude towards others, that it will also change her attitude towards you.

You either love the person that she is or you don't.

moneyistooshorttomention

Sometimes the penny can take a while to drop re users (as this "friend" most certainly is).

It sounds perfectly realistic to me that this "friend" will probably go on to keep churning out babies and taking advantage of your girlfriends good nature/love for children.

It sounds as if this user "friend" is "pushing buttons" with you rather harder than it would with someone who has never been in the position of having a "user friend"??

Maybe your girlfriend has never had a so-called "friend" of the user variety before and therefore it might take a while to sink in what this "friend" is really like?

It can take some of us (errr...yep...guilty as charged on that one:o) literally years sometimes before the scales drop from our eyes and we can see that someone we thought of as a friend is a user and/or very prone to dishonest ways of speaking (lots of half-truths and the occasional downright lie) or whatever-else-it-is that is wrong with that person and then we stand back and distance ourselves from them.

But - yep....I will admit to having taken literally years before I realised what they were like about two people I can think of. So sometimes an "outside observer" as you are can spend some time feeling frustrated at the fact that someone can't see the person concerned for what they are.

It only struck me full in the face about one of the two people I'm thinking of (the one that tells a lot of half-truths and some lies) when I realised I was trying to protect someone else from being on the receiving end of that sort of treatment from them and was thinking how best I could warn them about the half-truths/lying tendency (but knew I had to do so - because they were manoeuvring to try and get "new person" to spend out hundreds of £s on them).

Jlawson118

phillw wrote: »

Do you pay her for the time she spends with you?

People are stupid when it comes to those they love, which is fortunate because otherwise we wouldn't exist. There is a danger that if you change your girlfriends attitude towards others, that it will also change her attitude towards you.

You either love the person that she is or you don't.

Well I don't disagree with what you're saying there. But my girlfriend herself just doesn't have a nice word to say about this friend and this is what gets to me too. And yeah we all complain to friends and relatives about people even when we do care about them, I myself talk to one of my best friend's regarding separate issues myself and my girlfriend were having, but at the same time I didn't have a bad word to say about her, whereas she honestly talks to me like she cannot stand the girl. Just her children pretty much

Jlawson118

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Sometimes the penny can take a while to drop re users (as this "friend" most certainly is).

It sounds perfectly realistic to me that this "friend" will probably go on to keep churning out babies and taking advantage of your girlfriends good nature/love for children.

It sounds as if this user "friend" is "pushing buttons" with you rather harder than it would with someone who has never been in the position of having a "user friend"??

Maybe your girlfriend has never had a so-called "friend" of the user variety before and therefore it might take a while to sink in what this "friend" is really like?

It can take some of us (errr...yep...guilty as charged on that one:o) literally years sometimes before the scales drop from our eyes and we can see that someone we thought of as a friend is a user and/or very prone to dishonest ways of speaking (lots of half-truths and the occasional downright lie) or whatever-else-it-is that is wrong with that person and then we stand back and distance ourselves from them.

But - yep....I will admit to having taken literally years before I realised what they were like about two people I can think of. So sometimes an "outside observer" as you are can spend some time feeling frustrated at the fact that someone can't see the person concerned for what they are.

It only struck me full in the face about one of the two people I'm thinking of (the one that tells a lot of half-truths and some lies) when I realised I was trying to protect someone else from being on the receiving end of that sort of treatment from them and was thinking how best I could warn them about the half-truths/lying tendency (but knew I had to do so - because they were manoeuvring to try and get "new person" to spend out hundreds of £s on them).

Yep, you and me both! My ex girlfriend was in a bad position financially and living dangerously and so me and my family did the kind thing of welcoming her to move into our home. At first she didn't want to intrude and be in the way but then after so long she pretty much put her feet up and we all slaved after her. We pretty much couldn't get rid of her then. She turned mentally and psychically abusive when she didn't get her own way.

My family kept telling me she was using us and I just ignored it and said she wasn't. The abuse was behind closed doors anyway, but to me, was 'just some phase she'd snap out of' and even when we broke up at the beginning of this year I still felt sorry for her! We had agreed to stay friends, but it wasn't until around 2/3 months later when she pretty much paid me peanuts to drive her to the airport, then didn't even bother to talk to me for a week or two after that, that I realised she'd used me for one last time..We'd been together for well over a year!

I'm glad you've commented on here and makes me realise it's not just me, and I'm not going crazy over my now girlfriend's friend. Back three years ago when I used to see photos of them on nights out, used to make me happy to see her happy, and I used to see this girl as a good friend to her. But a lot has changed since then and it's like my girlfriend is even talking about seeing the two little girls tonight and I'm absolutely fine with it, I'm happy for her. It's more I can just see in a few weeks or months, she'll end up getting used again. And even more so if she falls pregnant with yet another one

I have to admit, the two of us do talk like we've been together for the years we've known each other though, and she has this desire to be married and maybe starting a family in round about five years. And I have admitted to her that I would be happy with that, because I don't want to leave it too late either. We want to travel the world beforehand though or at least a number of key places. And I would be happy to settle down with her, I just don't want this friend in the way by then. If she was a good friend again then maybe. But a leopard never changes its spots :mad:

Primrose

Well you've had your fingers burnt once so you're ahead of the learning game here. If the rest of your relationship with your girlfriend is fine you don't really want to be faced with giving her an ultimatum i.e. choose between her and me, because we all need outside friendships.


However, the scales have not fallen off her eyes yet as to how she might be being used. I can only suggest that perhaps you ease back on your relationship for a little while and see if she notices. You could then perhaps explain to her that you are genuinely worried about how this friendship could affect your long term relationship and that having been hurt once, you felt it sensible to draw back a little before both of you get in too deeply and the same thing happens again.


That may cause her to possibly see her relationship with this from a slightly different perspective and start questioning how she maintains a balance, or where in fact her preferences lie if she were forced to make choices.


There's no need to make an ultimatum about this, but easing back the relationship might prevent you being badly hurt again if your long term anxieties cannot be resolved. I think when people have these niggling underlying worries about an aspect of a relationship, there is normally a genuine reason, given our previous experiences and instincts, for taking them seriously.. There must be many people who on looking back on their lives, wish they'd taken more notice of their instincts at the time.

Caroline_a

2 ponies??? for a one year old????? the cost of one pony alone (done properly) is way out of most people's budget. Your girlfriend's friend is delusional.. or is she a traveller and the ponies tied up by the side of the road?