How to deal with a brother TAKEN over parents finances..

Pollycat

Rags2riches wrote: »

Taking back control
More recently, she maintains their accounts have been made simpler and he 'only' has access to one of her accounts, giving her a belief she is in control. Co-incidentally this is the one pensions are paid into. Despite this my mum made promises to me which I have been waiting for several months to materialise.

• Taking over control of her accounts.
• Seeking the help of Step Change
• Repaying money to me for councilling once she had control of her accounts.

Ongoing
This leads me to believe she doesn't have any such control over their accounts and is maintaining the status quo, to protect her relationship with his partner and enabling my brother to continue this activity. In the past she has been concerned and bothered and taken some action.

It leads me to believe she either doesn't want or daren't take back control of their finances.

i really don't see where you can go with this.

As one poster put it up thread:

Tygermoth wrote: »

You have to understand that you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink.

ani*fan

Hi there

I've just read your whole thread and the whole story is bizarre. I have a few things to add to your discussion.

I got picked for jury duty around 15 years ago. The police man stood in the dock and talked about how he had chased a suspicious looking man, caught him, took his bag of stolen electrical equipment and arrested him for theft. The 'thief' was there in court, looking guilty as hell. The case was thrown out because there was nobody there saying something had been taken from them. No-one. Essentially there had been no crime.

I am imagining you sitting there with the fraud squad, trying to explain the story as you understand it, and your mother and brother both insisting that there has been no crime here. You are undermining your own credibility as a person. Your behaviour sounds obsessive and a bit mad, even if you do have good reason to be concerned. You need to stop now. That policeman was so determined to get the 'thief' charged, he wasted everyone's time.

You know all about your parents' finances. Your brother does too. Your brother takes charge of them. Your mum lets him. He reads your mum's emails. Your mum is overly involved with his partner. You are obsessing over the injustice of what you perceive your brother is up to. He doesn't seem to speak to you. Neither does his partner. Your mum is not aware she needs help. I don't know what's happened to your dad in all this. I would suggest your family has problems with boundaries, enmeshment and inappropriate behaviour that go way beyond £150k gone missing, or however much it is. No-one seems to know where they end and the next person begins. Since when did looking at each others' bank accounts become ok? It's not. Everyone has a right to their own space and their business, including you, your parents, your brother and his partner.

My advice to you is to stop fixating on what your brother and your mum are doing. Focus on your own concerns. Make sure you are financially stable and sound. Show an appropriate amount of concern for your parents but do not get financially involved. If your mum talks to you about it, encourage her to take responsibility for herself. She can say no to your brother. She can get objective financial advice from elsewhere, out of the family. Do not get caught up in the drama. She may go bankrupt, she may not, your brother may have been stoozing for them, he may be robbing them blind, we don't really know. You cannot change what other people do. Just make sure you maintain your relationship with your parents through it all and do not get pulled in.

Hope it works out for you.

Mojisola

Rags2riches wrote: »

I appreciate your advice. I'd be pleased to know where you feel I am not being objective and why?

I didn't say 'become objective'; I said 'stay objective'.

The situation is likely to become more frustrating if your mother continues to chose your brother and his wife over you when you can see that you are the one with your parents' interests at heart.

When all the logical arguments have been tried and not worked, it would be easy for things to get emotive and your brother will use that against you.

Rags2riches

Mojisola wrote: »

I didn't say 'become objective'; I said 'stay objective'.

The situation is likely to become more frustrating if your mother continues to chose your brother and his wife over you when you can see that you are the one with your parents' interests at heart.

When all the logical arguments have been tried and not worked, it would be easy for things to get emotive and your brother will use that against you.

Thanks this is very useful words of wisdom.

Mojisola

Rags2riches wrote: »

Thanks this is very useful words of wisdom.

I think you're in a terrible situation.

I honestly don't think your mother is going to let you help her but walking away from the situation will be incredibly painful.

Make sure you look after yourself - the stress of being in an unresolvable situation can take its toll on you.

Pollycat

If (when) this all comes crashing down, would you refuse to help your parents financially?
Would you be strong enough?

If you wouldn't help (and I wouldn't in the circumstances you've outlined), I'd be inclined to have that conversation up front.

Article50

Rags2riches wrote: »

I agree.

Its not just bank accounts he has also been known to read through thier emails. My mum has also become very close to his partner who she uses as a means of escape. She asked me to pay for councilling to seek help. She didn't want my brother to see the outgoings, promising she would repay this once she was in control of her accounts.

Taking back control
More recently, she maintains their accounts have been made simpler and he 'only' has access to one of her accounts, giving her a belief she is in control. Co-incidentally this is the one pensions are paid into. Despite this my mum made promises to me which I have been waiting for several months to materialise.

• Taking over control of her accounts.
• Seeking the help of Step Change
• Repaying money to me for councilling once she had control of her accounts.

Ongoing
This leads me to believe she doesn't have any such control over their accounts and is maintaining the status quo, to protect her relationship with his partner and enabling my brother to continue this activity. In the past she has been concerned and bothered and taken some action.

You seem to have edited this from when I read it early this morning with references to "upgrading" computer and mobile phones .

If those references still apply I would say it is odds on he has put software on these devices to allow him to see messages, texts etc and when the computer is turned on it notifies him so he can see the transactions. It is very easy to insert auto-forward in settings for an email address so he could have all emails to your mother anyway without her knowldege.

As most people here state it is down to your mother to make a stand..

Your brother shows the classic traits of an abuser where he employs isolation,dependency and control tactics towards your mother and parents. He would seem to have some massive issues towards them for some reason.

My guess is his next move will be to stop your access to your mother on the grounds you are a bad influence.

However there is an option you can take.

There is a Helpline called Action Fraud.

If you go to their website there is a section on types of fraud , go to the section named Individual Fraud. The first entry in this section is abuse of a position of trust which fits your situation exactly.

Clearly to use this is a big step but it is your choice especially with the £55 grand at severe risk.

I wish you well and good luck.

Pollycat

Article50 wrote: »

However there is an option you can take.

There is a Helpline called Action Fraud.

If you go to their website there is a section on types of fraud , go to the section named Individual Fraud. The first entry in this section is abuse of a position of trust which fits your situation exactly.

Clearly to use this is a big step but it is your choice especially with the £55 grand at severe risk.

I wish you well and good luck.

And what will happen when they investigate?

Exactly the same as last time the OP involved the police.
The Mother will back up the brother.

This situation can only be charged by the OP's Mother.

This thread is going nowhere (except round in circles).

Article50

Are you mad ?

I suspect he already thousands of her money in his funds.

All your mother has to do is change her password and pin to her main bank account to stop any further erosion and then subsequently plough through all her other accounts and do the same.

They are her accounts she can do what SHE wants if SHE wants to.

She can demand all the information he is holding without paying him a penny.

She had the sense to go to Equifax she can easily do this.

Article50

Only if your parents have made wills to to that effect, do you know if they have ?

Are there any more family members or just you and the brother ?