diary of strugglin working mum

BartGirl

rkirstjm wrote: »

Im quite new to all this but just wanted to say that i have been following your story. What a brave woman you are, well done on all you have achieved. I hope one day I will be like you with lots of will power and the ability to control my money more. I have just been left on my own and am in huge dept often wondering if I will every get by, but your posts make me realise that i will get there one day. Well done.

Thanks this is really sweet of you but trust me i dont feel brave and neither do i feel like i have achieved anything. In fact - I feel like I have achieved diddly squat and sometimes i even feel like i'm regressing! I just take it a day at a time - my new coping mechanism.

BartGirl

I've been lurking but not posting on here.

Here's an update on whats been going on..

I have been seeing my counsellor regulalrly and the last time i saw her, she asked me to sit down and think about what life would be like without OH around. I now have to admit to myself that having been together for the last 8 years it would be strange to be 'alone'..but is that really a reason to stay where one is? Alot of things are going thru my mind at the moment regarding this.
We decided to go abroad last week for 7 days. For the first time in our relationship he actually paid for his 'portion' of the holiday.Which amounted to £400. Admittedly he had diddly squat spending money - but as i held the purse strings - i made sure that we stayed well within budget. I did try to rethink going away but my sis pointed out that i should look at it like the holiday is for ME and that I need the break so should go - regardless.
Well - the trip was interesting because in his true fashion he started off all nice but within 24 hours that was downhill. He picked a fight one night in the bedroom and said that he felt i was not serious about us and if i was i should prove it by having another child with him. I was absolutely livid but didnt want to ruin our time away so i didnt really respond. I did however point out that he's shown little / no interest in thr child that he has now so why bring another 1 into that scenario. He didnt appreciate that one bit and spent the rest of the holiday making special efforts with DS. Which DS absolutely lurrved - swimming etc. But its an ultimatum he's delivered and the fact is that he's not trustworthy in my opinion, and although he's promised that he'll make more of an effort - and has started doing so - we're a long long way away from me changing what i've already decided.I'd appreciate anyone's "two cents" on the psychology behind this ??

MSE / DFW-wise I have successfully claimed all my CC charges which amounted to about £400. This has helped me almost hit a £1k savings mark. I used £100 towards spending money for the holiday. This has also meant that I have now wiped out two 'debts' that I had. Provident and Barclaycard. I was giving them a total of £80 / month so this'll now automatically go towards my savings. I've decided to top that up with £20 so that it'll be an extra £100 saved as of Sept. I am so so relieved that Provident is done with now. Although yesterday I was pretty mad cos there's a new lady in my area who obviously didnt liaise with the old one - who knows not to come to my house unannounced cos OH unaware of the loan. I turned up yesterday from the supermarket to find the new lady at the door waiting for me. I am livid cos a) i settled with the old one days before we went away and b) cos OH ofcourse demanded an explanation - which i said she was a debt collector who isnt owed anything anymore. He didnt push it so i didnt elaborate either.
Thats it for now folks! Need to sort out holiday laundry and get ready for work this afternoon.

chevalier

Hi there Bartgirl
really glad that you are back online. I must admit that when you were off for so long it was because you had finally made the move and either a) kicked him out and was dealing with the fall our from that, or b) you had left and were dealing with setting up new broadband accounts etc.

Glad that you had a holiday, and I bet you were surprised that he paid anything towards it! But then to have the cheek to try and emotionally blackmail you about another baby after all that he has put you through is unbelievable. I think you did very well not to react to much. And at least DS benefitted from all the extra attention that OH paid him to show that he does pay DS attention.

Well done on getting your charges back, it must feel so good after the last 12 months of hard graft for you to actually see some visible progress at last, especially about the provident. Well done.

As for OH being more pleasant, what can we say, other than keep your defences up, because I still think you can't trust him as far as you can throw him. You mentioned that your counsellor asked you about life without OH. And I was kind of wondering if you are still working to have a 'getting away fund' so that you can leave?

glad you posted
chev

BartGirl

chevalier wrote: »

Glad that you had a holiday, and I bet you were surprised that he paid anything towards it!

Hi Chevalier

Thanks for writing! Like you said – I was extremely horrified that he paid ANYTHING towards the holiday. Like I said – it was for the first time in 8 years that he’s paid anything towards anything. I didn’t actually think the holiday would happen – it was a last min deal and we’d be ringing around hundreds of places – I pointed out to him that he’d need to contribute between £400 – 450. Which would mean that we each paid half towards DS. I came in from work and he grunted and handed me an envelope with the full amount of cash inside! I was astonished and banked it immediately!! He had little spending money while we were away – but it just meant that I kept an eye on the purse strings instead!

BartGirl

chevalier wrote: »

But then to have the cheek to try and emotionally blackmail you about another baby after all that he has put you through is unbelievable. I think you did very well not to react to much. And at least DS benefitted from all the extra attention that OH paid him to show that he does pay DS attention.

Yes he did try to do this – like I said – I was livid at the time – and he also brought other things up – without going into too much detail – I mentioned to him the death of a sibling when I was a toddler – which I never mentioned before and he accused me of ‘witholding vital family information from him; that he has a right to know as my OH???’ I tried to point out that these are personal things that my parents never really discussed with me – I was only 4 or 5 at the time and I never really asked about it when I was older. He kept pushing me for information like why the sibling died – what the causes were but I actually don’t know the ins and outs and he started saying things like ‘this could affect our future kids – don’t you think you have a right to know – as a female child you should have asked your mum – why haven’t you asked her – I don’t believe you haven’t asked her blah blah blah’ he just went on and on and on. This has really infuriated me but I don’t think its any of his b** business anyway. I do know the condition is not hereditary and as far as I’m concerned – that’s all that counts.. I really wanted to Let Rip; but I was determined to enjoy my holiday and for the first time in a ling time – I bit my tongue. Even just thinking about it makes me seethe..

BartGirl

chevalier wrote: »

As for OH being more pleasant, what can we say, other than keep your defences up, because I still think you can't trust him as far as you can throw him. You mentioned that your counsellor asked you about life without OH.
chev

DS was visibly shocked at OHs presence and has kept bringing it up a lot – one day on the holiday – OH said to me that he was going to make a concerted effort to spend more time with DS because he didn’t realise how much fun he could be..this automatically drew silent tears from me – and I mumbled to him “its taken you 3 years to realise this; has it? – now you finally give him the time of day?” and OH started saying things like ‘don’t always look sad – you always look sad – I hope its not the way I’ve treated you that has made you like this’..No Comment. !!!!!!.

As you can probably tell – his modified behaviour is making life a lot easier around the house – but I don’t trust him One Bit. He still slobs around – doesn’t help with cooking / cleaning / washing / ironing..barely wipes or tidies up after himself and it’s doing my head in quite frankly. He’s in a lot of the time cos he’s spent all his wages but cos he’s got no money he stays moody and miserable and grumpy while I try and maintain an upbeat atmosphere around the place. Then he hits his habit and becomes more pleasant. What a waste of space..

littleangels3

Nice to see you back hun. xx

BartGirl

I turned up from work today and found he had done all the dishes and tidied / cleaned the entire kitchen :eek:

I am not sure what its in aid of..but could have something to do with this:

I went to work for an extra day without telling him in advance.

He woke up with a start and was calling me but i didnt answer till about an hour later..He asked where I was. When i said 'at work' he asked why i didnt leave DS with him because he'd have had him for me..I didnt respond. He told me he had a right panic when he woke up and saw no-one in their beds

to have been a fly on the wall......

Verbatim

It's typical that he sees looking after his own son as "having him for YOU"!!

Still, glad he's done some housework.

Mollymop5

Verbatim wrote: »

It's typical that he sees looking after his own son as "having him for YOU"!!

I thought that too. Nice to see you posting BartGirl.Hang in there