Working Away is hazardous

Kayalana99

Diary wrote: »

Working away doesn't have to place any strain on a relationship.

My husband worked away Friday to Tuesday as HgV driver for 25 years, if anything it made us much closer. We looked forward to him coming home and neither of us, although not perfect, would have advertised for anyone else for any kind of fun or relationship.

Now in the present both of us are together 24 hours a day at home and that could easily become a massive strain.

I think the OP ends to reconsider his options regarding his marriage and trust. His wifes behaviour is serious and needs a discussion.

I appreciate why that worked for you, but I don't think it's the same as someone working away for 3-6 months. It's not 100% same as your situation but my Husband comes through door and we have an hour together before I leave for work so we only really see each other properly for 2 days a week. I'd not consider either situation to be comparable for someone leaving for months at a time.

TBagpuss

Diary wrote: »

Working away doesn't have to place any strain on a relationship.

My husband worked away Friday to Tuesday as HgV driver for 25 years, if anything it made us much closer. We looked forward to him coming home and neither of us, although not perfect, would have advertised for anyone else for any kind of fun or relationship.

Now in the present both of us are together 24 hours a day at home and that could easily become a massive strain.

I think the OP ends to reconsider his options regarding his marriage and trust. His wifes behaviour is serious and needs a discussion.

I think it would be more accurate to say that working away doesn't put a strain on everyone's relationships. It's always going to depend on the personalities of the individuals concerned, and on their specific circumstances.

It's great that having your husband working away worked for you,
but that's very different to saying that it needn't cause issues for anyone.

TBagpuss

OP, I would suggest that you talk to your wife about what you found. Be open about the fact that you understand that profile is old and inactive, but also talk about the fact that it suggests that (at the time she created it, if not know) she wasn't completely happy within your relationship and you didn't know that, so you'd like to work on improving your communication and trying to make sure that she doesn't feel that way now, and that if she does feel unhappy about anything, now or in future, that she discusses it with you.

It may be that she was indulging a fantasy, and had no intention of taking anything further for instance, she may have posted because she liked the idea of being complimented or having people want her.

At best,it sounds as though there are communication issues, as if she was feeling lonely, or if she has fantasies she'd like to explore, it's concerning that she didn't talk to you about them.

At worst, it may be that she isn't as committed to the relationship as you are.

Of course, you could chose to do nothing, but if you do, you're probably not going to be able to forget this and you may find that it is harder to pretend you didn't see it than you think

rach_k

Pollycat wrote: »

But presumably you're not planning anything at all.
If you're so happily married why are you even curious about how dating sites work?

I'm sorry, are people only allowed to be curious about things they will do in their own lives? I'm also curious about going into space, about what it would feel like to have a real functioning tail and what it would be like to survive an apocalypse. I have no intention of doing any of those things.

I don't think your tone is warranted. Joining a dating site is not something I have or will ever do but I posted to give the OP some hope that there are reasons for joining a dating site that don't actually involve an affair of any kind. This discussion of the awfulness of my curiosity and implication that my marriage must be terrible is not helping the OP so if you really feel the need to discuss it, why not start your own thread?

racer991

TBagpuss wrote: »

OP, I would suggest that you talk to your wife about what you found. Be open about the fact that you understand that profile is old and inactive, but also talk about the fact that it suggests that (at the time she created it, if not know) she wasn't completely happy within your relationship and you didn't know that, so you'd like to work on improving your communication and trying to make sure that she doesn't feel that way now, and that if she does feel unhappy about anything, now or in future, that she discusses it with you.

It may be that she was indulging a fantasy, and had no intention of taking anything further for instance, she may have posted because she liked the idea of being complimented or having people want her.

At best,it sounds as though there are communication issues, as if she was feeling lonely, or if she has fantasies she'd like to explore, it's concerning that she didn't talk to you about them.

At worst, it may be that she isn't as committed to the relationship as you are.

Of course, you could chose to do nothing, but if you do, you're probably not going to be able to forget this and you may find that it is harder to pretend you didn't see it than you think

TBagpuss - thanks for your post. I think you may be right about feeling unloved. She has never mentioned anything about feeling unloved until recently. She only admitted how hard she finds our time apart when I asked her directly (shortly after finding the profile). As I said at the beginning I am fully aware that being away for long periods can place a strain on a relationship, god knows I have worked with enough guys with relationship issues or going through divorces to the point that I had always tried to make sure we maintain a balance - looks like I completely missed it!. I appreciate it is doubly difficult for her as my return date is never 'cast in stone' so she has nothing to focus on. It also means its very difficult to plan social occasions or spontaneous nights in/out.


I think that she has tried to keep her feelings hidden and tried to deal with the long periods of absence in other ways - guess she didn't want me to think she was forcing me to choose between a career that I have been in for a long time (before we met) and her.


With regards to the fantasy (dipping her toes so to speak) the profile has a section called 'dating diary' and the dates match up with longer 'jobs' The 'diaries' talk of arranging meets and 'getting ready' to go out. There is also one saying how she was 'stood up' at the last minute and how the the person would not get to experience the glam make up and matching underwear - I can only think what may have happened if she hadn't been stood up.


There are not too many entries and they only talk about failed meets - there is nothing about time spent with another.


Apologies if I'm rambling - things are jumping into my head as I type. Your comment about her not feeling she could talk to me about this reminds me of a time we took a walk down by the sea (she loves the beach) after I got back from a job. I don't recall how the topic came about but she did mention the idea of a 'Friend with benefits'. My reply was that I had no desire to share her with anyone - then the subject topic quickly changed. I'm not 100% certain but I think this conversation happened timeline wise after the first diary entries.


There wasn't any more entries for quite a while - until march this year (yes I was away again nut in the UK so was trying to get back as often as I could).


Yes, the not knowing is killing me but I can't seem to find it in me to start a conversation for fear of hearing the worst.

Pollycat

rach_k wrote: »

I'm sorry, are people only allowed to be curious about things they will do in their own lives? I'm also curious about going into space, about what it would feel like to have a real functioning tail and what it would be like to survive an apocalypse. I have no intention of doing any of those things.

I don't think your tone is warranted. Joining a dating site is not something I have or will ever do but I posted to give the OP some hope that there are reasons for joining a dating site that don't actually involve an affair of any kind. This discussion of the awfulness of my curiosity and implication that my marriage must be terrible is not helping the OP so if you really feel the need to discuss it, why not start your own thread?

You are entitled to do whatever you wish or feel appropriate.
My opinion on your post is based on my own morals.
I have no issues if yours are different.
But I am entitled to express an opinion.

I regret that you feel my tone is unwarranted.
But I am merely expressing an opinion about a comment you made.

I see no reason to start a thread about the pros and cons of joining a dating website 'out of curiosity when one is allegedly happily married.

Robisere

" Yes, the not knowing is killing me but I can't seem to find it in me to start a conversation for fear of hearing the worst. "

Understandable, that is the hard part if you have decided to do something about your fears. Reading your later replies, it appears that you do have genuine cause to suspect something. Try this, it only worked for me in the sense that it brought things to a head:
Buy a bunch of flowers, chocolates or whatever she might like. If that is unusual from you, that's all the better. After her reaction, tell her that you have been worried about things for a long time. Ask her if she still feels the same love for you, that you do for her. Those words, more or less, are what set my ex talking all those years ago. Everything came out. A couple of weeks later, I was thrown out, basically because I was posted back to the UK and she had decided not to come with me, after I had found a house and expected to be a family in the UK.

It all hangs on whether you want to face what might happen, by ending all the distrust and fear, and get to the truth about your wife's actions.

Robisere

SaLoGo wrote: »

It also happens the other way round... I was married to a soldier for 8 years. He had transferred to the Royal Signals from the Infantry but had to complete his phase 2 training which meant living apart for near on 6 months. Despite only being 27 miles away and coming home most weekends he still managed to find time to meet someone new and get her pregnant. Not always the wives who played away. Both sexes can be as bad as each other!

Yes it does happen the other way round. My unit was part of an Armoured Brigade and there were several different types of units in our Garrison, some of which would be on tour in NI whilst others were not. My mate was a fellow soldier who ran a DJ show around various messes and OR* clubs, he knew what seemed like all the squaddies in the garrison - and their wives. One Saturday I was walking with him down into town, when 3 young Service mums were walking up with kids in buggies. They were wives of guys who had gone to NI that week. They asked my mate if he would hold a "private party" for them, in their Married Quarters and he agreed. It was fairly obvious what sort of party it was going to be. I was not interested, but I knew several others who went and I know what happened. I was Army for 12 years and I know what happened in garrisons. Believe me or not, it won't bother me, but I saw no point in marrying someone, just to play around with another. Old-fashioned even then, I know.

*Other Ranks.

FBaby

Sorry OP but don't believe your story. You didn't need to create a new profile to look for someone for him. Firstly, is he so stupid that he needs helps looking? Secondly, you could have just logged in as him.

However, the likelihood of finding your wife's profile when she posted more than 2 years ago seems quite a bit of a coincidence...

Saying that, I do agree that working away can have a disastrous impact on relationships.

rach_k

Pollycat wrote: »

You are entitled to do whatever you wish or feel appropriate.
My opinion on your post is based on my own morals.
I have no issues if yours are different.
But I am entitled to express an opinion.

I regret that you feel my tone is unwarranted.
But I am merely expressing an opinion about a comment you made.

I see no reason to start a thread about the pros and cons of joining a dating website 'out of curiosity when one is allegedly happily married.

There you go again. 'Allegedly' happily married - don't you see how that is really just a crappy thing to say? I do see your point - it probably would be a thoughtless thing to do, to join a proper dating website with no intention of dating, and that is probably why I've never been curious enough to do it - but the implication that I'm either lying about my marriage or could only possibly be curious about things single people do if I'm in an unhappy marriage is just about upsetting enough to me to make me want to disregard anything you have to say on the matter, so what was the point in you saying it unless you just want to look good? Either you have no idea of the effect of your words or your morals include being like that on purpose.