WWYD Mum Struggling

hazyjo

2nd_Time_Lucky wrote: »

Have to say i made a cup of tea for us & while rummaging for more teabags i couldnt help but notice the cupboards are heaving with food years out of date i'm an old style gal who isnt overly fussed about dates BUT cans over 10 years out of date?!

Bin them one at time so she's less aware (stick one in your handbag if easier). If she's not used them in 10 years, she ain't gonna miss them! If you think she is, get a new one in your bag ready to swap with the old one.

Savvy_Sue

10 year old cans are likely to be absolutely fine, unless there's visible damage to them.

ATM, Mum's probably still in shock. Over time, you may find that you can persuade her to do things she won't hear of right now, but you may have to back off a bit. Enlist all the allies you can and see if you can start small.

If money is not too tight, ask if it would be a good idea to get a cleaner in so she can spend more time with Dad withoug feeling she's neglecting the house, OR without exhausting herself. Remind her she needs to look after herself, or she'll be no use to anyone. Same with a gardener: if she doesn't want to feel awkward with the neighbour, can anyone recommend a gardener?

Also does she listen better to your DH than to you? It's not right, it's not fair, but some people are better at hearing about things which need to change from a man.

2nd_Time_Lucky

hazyjo wrote: »

Bin them one at time so she's less aware (stick one in your handbag if easier). If she's not used them in 10 years, she ain't gonna miss them! If you think she is, get a new one in your bag ready to swap with the old one.

what a fab idea! love it

2nd_Time_Lucky

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

10 year old cans are likely to be absolutely fine, unless there's visible damage to them.

ATM, Mum's probably still in shock. Over time, you may find that you can persuade her to do things she won't hear of right now, but you may have to back off a bit. Enlist all the allies you can and see if you can start small.

If money is not too tight, ask if it would be a good idea to get a cleaner in so she can spend more time with Dad withoug feeling she's neglecting the house, OR without exhausting herself. Remind her she needs to look after herself, or she'll be no use to anyone. Same with a gardener: if she doesn't want to feel awkward with the neighbour, can anyone recommend a gardener?

Also does she listen better to your DH than to you? It's not right, it's not fair, but some people are better at hearing about things which need to change from a man.

She wont have ANYONE in the house- sometimes even family is banned (apart from dad of course) & historically has got very aggressive to any suggestions of help so not a chance any of my siblings are brave enough to intervene..

but, i'm trying to concentrate on supporting as much as possible & getting them through these difficult times- i dont give a flying fairy if the house is a tip- as long as they are happy & eating then thats enough for me but she feels differently and yes she is funny with me but OH can do no wrong so i tend to let them talk over the top of me..

yet again i want to say how helpful everyone has been :A its been a big comfort in a difficult period :grouphug:

Mojisola

2nd_Time_Lucky wrote: »

She wont have ANYONE in the house- sometimes even family is banned (apart from dad of course) & historically has got very aggressive to any suggestions of help so not a chance any of my siblings are brave enough to intervene..

and yes she is funny with me but OH can do no wrong so i tend to let them talk over the top of me..

Is her banning people from the house preventing your father from getting the help he needs?

If so, that makes the situation much more difficult than if it was just Mum in the house.

My parents were the same with my sister-in-law - they listened to her when she said things (after refusing to do them when we said them!).

Use any techniques you can to help them - that's the line I took.

I got Dad to accept a gardener when a young neighbour started up a garden care business - Dad was happy to help him get established. Once the gardener was in place, Mum was willing to get a cleaner (Dad has help for the garden, it's only fair that you have someone in the house as well).

2nd_Time_Lucky

Mojisola wrote: »

Is her banning people from the house preventing your father from getting the help he needs?

If so, that makes the situation much more difficult than if it was just Mum in the house.

My parents were the same with my sister-in-law - they listened to her when she said things (after refusing to do them when we said them!).

Use any techniques you can to help them - that's the line I took.

I got Dad to accept a gardener when a young neighbour started up a garden care business - Dad was happy to help him get established. Once the gardener was in place, Mum was willing to get a cleaner (Dad has help for the garden, it's only fair that you have someone in the house as well).

Wish I could thank you twice for your kind helpful advice

Red-Squirrel_2

2nd_Time_Lucky wrote: »

oooh yes that could well be the issue, thank you i hadnt thought of it like that.

Have to say i made a cup of tea for us & while rummaging for more teabags i couldnt help but notice the cupboards are heaving with food years out of date i'm an old style gal who isnt overly fussed about dates BUT cans over 10 years out of date?!

and they both have lost a LOT of weight- she keeps saying he wont eat this or that but every meal i have cooked & put in front of them has been devoured despite a running commentary of how she doesnt like the ingredients..

now im REALLY worried

I found the same thing when my grandmother was in hospital a few years ago, some of the stuff had best before dates in the 90s! If your mum is the generation that were children in the war and grew up with rationing I think hoarding food like this is quite common. I just chucked it all out, gave the kitchen cupboards a good scrub and just never mentioned it, they must have noticed but didn't say anything either. I'm sure they are starting to stock up again though.

As for not letting anybody in the house, I'm sorry to say it but if this extends to health professionals who are coming to help your dad rehabilitate, this will be a problem. It will be considered a safeguarding issue if her actions have a detrimental impact on your dad's health. It might be as well to not worry about that until after the assessment though, she might realise the importance when it's explained to her by a doctor or other 'outside' person.

It's still very early days, it will take time for her to get used to this 'new normal', and for all of you. Xx

chesky

As far as the out of date tins is concerned, I went through my own storage cupboard a few weeks ago and tossed out loads of stuff that was out of date. Admittedly it was mostly spices and stuff like that, as I don't tend to buy tinned goods. I think everyone does it. I think you're also in danger of concentrating on minor issues, like your mother does, rather than being concerned about what you can do to help with your father's recovery.

GaleSF63

From the point of view of the person offering to help by mowing the lawn, if I offered help to someone in a situation like that it would be to contribute a bit of help both to the lady and anyone else involved and it wouldn't matter if there was an army of relatives coming and going. I'm sure he won't even think about it.

hazyjo wrote: »

Bin them one at time so she's less aware (stick one in your handbag if easier).

Oh that brings back memories of my mother, a hoarder. When I stayed with her I used to sneak round after she'd gone to bed removing things from different places so it didn't show and put a bag of stuff in my car. Sometimes it was one o clock in the morning before I got the chance.

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

10 year old cans are likely to be absolutely fine, unless there's visible damage to them.

And sometimes you get tomato puree on the kitchen ceiling when you pierce the can!

Savvy_Sue

GaleSF63 wrote: »

And sometimes you get tomato puree on the kitchen ceiling when you pierce the can!

:rotfl: I guess I've been lucky, and obviously you'd check the tin wasn't damaged, or 'blown'.

Talking to someone who works for a company which produces canned food, I learned that the veg soups have shorter Best Before dates than the meat soups. This person said that had made them think that maybe they did need to consider dates on tinned food.