WWYD Mum Struggling

2nd_Time_Lucky

Hi,
my mum is caring for my dad after a stroke 2 weeks ago & was struggling with the garden mower when a very kind neighbour offered to help & mowed it for her he said he would come back today & do it again

BUT i have apparently upset the applecart by turning up to watch dada so she can escape for a few hours break to go shopping etc & now she is worried that the neighbour (male) will be offended if he sees an adult here who could do it themselves

so far i have offered:

mow it myself- not ok as it will offend him
pop round & tell him i dont mind doing it if he is busy- not ok as im interfering & will upset him
go home- not ok as she really wants some "me" time


Please help! its ridiculous she is obsessing about this when there are bigger issues

Artytarty

Tell neighbour how much you appreciate his help?and that it gives your Mum a break and you a chance to spend time with your father.

Red-Squirrel_2

Your poor mum! I agree with the above, when the neighbour comes round go out and thank him profusely and tell him how great it is that between him doing the lawn and you keeping an eye on your dad your mum can have a few hours break.

Ask your mum what she would think if she were the neighbour and she had offered to help someone out in her situation. Would she be judging them or would she just be glad she could help out in a tight spot? I bet its the second, might put her mind at ease.

2nd_Time_Lucky

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Your poor mum! I agree with the above, when the neighbour comes round go out and thank him profusely and tell him how great it is that between him doing the lawn and you keeping an eye on your dad your mum can have a few hours break.

Ask your mum what she would think if she were the neighbour and she had offered to help someone out in her situation. Would she be judging them or would she just be glad she could help out in a tight spot? I bet its the second, might put her mind at ease.

Thanks that's a great way of putting it to her as i try so hard to help but she keeps refusing it so i am forced to turn up unannounced as otherwise she says all is ok..when i know its not- all i want to do is help

Mojisola

2nd_Time_Lucky wrote: »

Please help! its ridiculous she is obsessing about this when there are bigger issues

Cut your Mum some slack! Being a 24/7 carer for a loved one is very difficult.

After only two weeks, she probably hasn't got over the shock of his stroke and the fear that he would die.

It's not unusual to focus on small issues when the large ones are too big to process or you aren't able to cope with them.

Red-Squirrel_2

Mojisola wrote: »

Cut your Mum some slack! Being a 24/7 carer for a loved one is very difficult.

After only two weeks, she probably hasn't got over the shock of his stroke and the fear that he would die.

It's not unusual to focus on small issues when the large ones are too big to process or you aren't able to cope with them.

Its not easy for the OP either, cut her some slack too! He's her dad, and she's desperately trying to help her mum, and she's worried about them both.

2nd_Time_Lucky

Mojisola wrote: »

Cut your Mum some slack! Being a 24/7 carer for a loved one is very difficult. .

Actually this is what i am trying to do I am sadly no stranger to this after my OH broke his back

Mojisola

2nd_Time_Lucky wrote: »

Actually this is what i am trying to do I am sadly no stranger to this after my OH broke his back

Your Mum will be reacting in her own way - if she is picking up on you thinking that she's obsessing over small things, she won't feel very supported.

It can be frustrating when people obviously need help but won't accept it - try not to show that you're feeling that way.

Is there a local Stroke Association group - it can help a lot to talk to people who are dealing with the same issues.

Has the hospital arranged any help or rehabilitation? Is the GP or district nurse visiting? I found my parents were sometimes more willing to accept things that were suggested by a nurse or doctor or Social Worker than if we mentioned them (even when they suggested them because we'd primed them to do so).

2nd_Time_Lucky

Mojisola wrote: »

Your Mum will be reacting in her own way - if she is picking up on you thinking that she's obsessing over small things, she won't feel very supported.

It can be frustrating when people obviously need help but won't accept it - try not to show that you're feeling that way.

Is there a local Stroke Association group - it can help a lot to talk to people who are dealing with the same issues.

Has the hospital arranged any help or rehabilitation? Is the GP or district nurse visiting? I found my parents were sometimes more willing to accept things that were suggested by a nurse or doctor or Social Worker than if we mentioned them (even when they suggested them because we'd primed them to do so).

Thank you i understand your point.

The hospital has tried, as has GP but she wont allow anyone in through the front door- says she wont have social services involved

Mojisola

2nd_Time_Lucky wrote: »

Thank you i understand your point.

The hospital has tried, as has GP but she wont allow anyone in through the front door- says she wont have social services involved

Give her some time - she's probably having trouble coming to terms with the new reality - if she keeps behaving as if everything is alright, it will be.

You'll need the patience of a saint until she starts accepting the changes to their lives. Whether she likes it or not, they will need help. (Although there are a couple of posters on here who are coping with parents who just won't accept that they need help and that's a horrible position to be in.)

Perhaps accepting the neighbour's offer to mow the lawn is a first chink?

I would be upfront to the neighbour that your mother is anxious about how it looks.

trailingspouse

Totally agree with the 'obsessing about small things' - my parents had a major issue, Mum was coping remarkably well. There was a lot of uncertainty, a lot of financial implications, a lot of inconvenience to them and to other people. But the straw that broke the camel's back was when she couldn't find a plastic bag (not just any plastic bag, there were plenty, but a specific type of plastic bag) to put some sandwiches in.