what help would she be entitled to?

Carmk2008

She had a miserable time with her pathetic excuse for a mother, who never worked a day in her life until she came to live with us fulltime at 14, then when her mother stopped getting benefits for her she never spoke to my daughter again, not even a card at birthdays or Xmas. I believe this partly to blame for the way she is. She was and is still is jealous of her two siblings who are 6 & 9 but she doesn't realise she had 10 years of being spoiled herself which I admit she was and still is to some extent but at her age now she should be starting to find her own way in life. She is definitely immature for her age as for a boyfriend who would have her the way she goes on.

Regards to the college its 3 days a week for about 5hrs a day and I have told her 20 hrs isn't enough and I'm not just saying this as strict parent as i too work fulltime sometimes taking on a second job and study partime with the OU that along with doing up our houses and raising a family, so I'm not asking to something I wouldn't do myself.

Carmk2008

PasturesNew wrote: »

So you expect total strangers to have her as a house mate and neighbour. Great.

If you can't love her, everybody else will loathe, detest and hate her.

the only person I would expect to do anything is my daughter such as work hard and learn the value of money which hopefully she will when she realises we won't be there to pay for it.

And I will always love my daughter! but thanks for your input.

hazyjo

Carmk2008 wrote: »

She had a miserable time with her pathetic excuse for a mother, who never worked a day in her life until she came to live with us fulltime at 14, then when her mother stopped getting benefits for her she never spoke to my daughter again, not even a card at birthdays or Xmas. I believe this partly to blame for the way she is. She was and is still is jealous of her two siblings who are 6 & 9 but she doesn't realise she had 10 years of being spoiled herself which I admit she was and still is to some extent but at her age now she should be starting to find her own way in life. She is definitely immature for her age as for a boyfriend who would have her the way she goes on.

Regards to the college its 3 days a week for about 5hrs a day and I have told her 20 hrs isn't enough and I'm not just saying this as strict parent as i too work fulltime sometimes taking on a second job and study partime with the OU that along with doing up our houses and raising a family, so I'm not asking to something I wouldn't do myself.

Quite sad really. Definitely standing by my counselling comment...


Rejection - in any form - is very, very hard to deal with. She obviously has major issues. She craves her old life and it will be very hard for her to move on or grow up...


My BF was left by his mum - she took his sister, he got his dad. Won't elaborate, but it was hell for him and led to many future problems/much trauma.


She has a far nicer life than my BF ever did, but I'm sure it stemmed from being rejected/left (and later abuse). Try to get her some help.

Jimmy_Neutron

Carmk2008 wrote: »

She had a miserable time with her pathetic excuse for a mother, who never worked a day in her life until she came to live with us fulltime at 14, then when her mother stopped getting benefits for her she never spoke to my daughter again, not even a card at birthdays or Xmas. I believe this partly to blame for the way she is. She was and is still is jealous of her two siblings who are 6 & 9 but she doesn't realise she had 10 years of being spoiled herself which I admit she was and still is to some extent but at her age now she should be starting to find her own way in life. She is definitely immature for her age as for a boyfriend who would have her the way she goes on.

Regards to the college its 3 days a week for about 5hrs a day and I have told her 20 hrs isn't enough and I'm not just saying this as strict parent as i too work fulltime sometimes taking on a second job and study partime with the OU that along with doing up our houses and raising a family, so I'm not asking to something I wouldn't do myself.

I think someone will "have her" pretty quick when she is living by herself and before you know she is pregnant. She will then receive more benefits and the cycle continues. And by-the-way you'll continue to give her money as you'll feel guilty.

Better to have a proper conversation with her as adults, or maybe get someone to mediate, because you don't want her to start independence on a downward spiral.

Carmk2008

Jimmy_Neutron wrote: »

I think someone will "have her" pretty quick when she is living by herself and before you know she is pregnant. She will then receive more benefits and the cycle continues. And by-the-way you'll continue to give her money as you'll feel guilty.

Better to have a proper conversation with her as adults, or maybe get someone to mediate, because you don't want her to start independence on a downward spiral.

That is my biggest fear, her turning out like her mother. She is quite talented musically as she got unconditional invite on to the course at college so there is hope although it's often overshadowed by the negatives. Your right I do need to talk with her.

Cheeky_Monkey

Carmk2008 wrote: »

She had a miserable time with her pathetic excuse for a mother, who never worked a day in her life until she came to live with us fulltime at 14, then when her mother stopped getting benefits for her she never spoke to my daughter again, not even a card at birthdays or Xmas. I believe this partly to blame for the way she is. She was and is still is jealous of her two siblings who are 6 & 9 but she doesn't realise she had 10 years of being spoiled herself which I admit she was and still is to some extent but at her age now she should be starting to find her own way in life. She is definitely immature for her age as for a boyfriend who would have her the way she goes on.

For me, this information puts a completely different slant on the situation.

Of course she has issues. She no doubt felt that you 'abandoned' her when you presumably left her mother and then, when she comes to live with you, her mother 'abandons' her!

I'm also not surprised that she's jealous of her (presumably) step-siblings.

It's not unusual in this situation for a teenager to go off the rails. I agree totally that she would probably benefit from some counselling, if only to get her true feelings out in the open rather than bottle them up.

I hope you can find a solution to the problem OP that benefits not only you but your daughter as well.

AlexMac

Helpful advice...

aneary wrote: »

... If you go onto the government benefits site you will be able to put in all the details and see what comes up...

...with one suggested channge

" If DAUGHTER goes onto the government benefits site SHE will be able to put in all the details and see what comes up..." at https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

But before you cut her off... think that no matter how awful a 19 year old can be, she won't be 19 forever...

A friend's daughter was a nightmare at that age ... dabbling in drugs, working in and living over a dire pub... waster boyfriends... no qaulifications to speak of...

Fast forward ten years and she's a model citizen... came through that, got a job eventually as a Teaching Assistant (after bumming around holiday camps and travel repping and busking it as a yacht crew), and is now close to finishing a part time teaching degree...

So think of how you can sustain enough of the relationship- after you've helped her out into "independence" to let it not be terminal!

And google "teenage parent counselling" in case there are any local sources of advice or support for you, as much as her

Good luck

Carmk2008

Cheeky_Monkey wrote: »

For me, this information puts a completely different slant on the situation.

Of course she has issues. She no doubt felt that you 'abandoned' her when you presumably left her mother and then, when she comes to live with you, her mother 'abandons' her!

I'm also not surprised that she's jealous of her (presumably) step-siblings.

It's not unusual in this situation for a teenager to go off the rails. I agree totally that she would probably benefit from some counselling, if only to get her true feelings out in the open rather than bottle them up.

I hope you can find a solution to the problem OP that benefits not only you but your daughter as well.

Sorry but you are wrong there as I never abandoned her, I had every weekend and 3 nights mid week then full time I've always been there for her.

hazyjo

AlexMac wrote: »

But before you cut her off... think that no matter how awful a 19 year old can be, she won't be 19 forever...

A friend's daughter was a nightmare at that age ... dabbling in drugs, working in and living over a dire pub... waster boyfriends... no qaulifications to speak of...

Fast forward ten years and she's a model citizen... came through that, got a job eventually as a Teaching Assistant (after bumming around holiday camps and travel repping and busking it as a yacht crew), and is now close to finishing a part time teaching degree...

Trouble is, you just don't know what path she'll end up taking. She's very bitter and may do something stupid out of spite if she feels she's not getting your attention or has any chance of getting future praise (not to mention feelings of rejection).


A close friend's sister was similar to AlexMac's quote - only she went the other way. Horrendous alcohol and drug problems that got worse, sleeping with some bloke with AIDS without using any form of contraception (and telling her family), self harm and probably prostitution (not confirmed but certainly suspicions). She's in her 40s now. They are the most middle class family you can imagine so don't presume her 'upbringing' will kick in at any stage. It might not.

silvercar

Carmk2008 wrote: »

Sorry but you are wrong there as I never abandoned her, I had every weekend and 3 nights mid week then full time I've always been there for her.

...until now, when you are chucking her out.:(