Money Moral Dilemma: Should I keep forking out for my friend's hen do?

whistler-alison

I would echo what the previous poster said. It is OK to say no and if you are worried that there will be negative consequences to saying no then maybe rethink your friends. If they choose to view it as a personal affront then that is their problem and not yours.;)

Teacher2

My DD is now into her later 20's and she and many friends are getting engaged and attending and planning weddings and the accompanying hen and stag do's.

I am beyond horrified at the amount of money this seems to run through and the social blackmail and coercion it seems to involve. The example of the bride being 'treated' and let off paying while the chief bridesmaid-to-be puts the pressure on (often) poorer friends to cough up for her part of the treat seems typical.

This would be OK if everyone were earning the same and they were all getting married. What happens when one unfortunate friend with no or a low paid job is not a bride-to-be? She has to stump up for having her singleton nose rubbed in it.

The commercial wedding industry is totally geared up to take money from the 'happy' couple at every turn. Even a cheap wedding with a small wedding breakfast for a few friends cannot be had without charges, bills and fees eating up the couple's savings.

That said, my child is in a reasonably paid job and she and her husband-to-be have savings and are well aware that both sets of parents will make a smallish contribution and that they will have to budget for the rest. That being the case it is their choice to spend two years' hard earned savings on a one-day party.

However, while saving for her own wedding, my child has been asked to another nuptual ceremony where she will have to stump up for a present and accommodation overnight and she is also attending a hen do weekend where the current cost is £250 and rising.

She seems to be viewing the events as holiday minibreaks and an opportunity to see her best friends in a very pleasant and convivial atmosphere. Regarded like this, a couple of hundred pounds might compare favourably with a bargain break as the ladies are getting economies of scale and group prices.

My own wedding cost £250 and I catered it myself for about 20 guests so this modern habit of the spendathon wedding is anathema to an older and very prudent mother. I cannot help feeling anxious that a huge capital sum of about £15,000 to £20,000 might prove ruinous if the children lose even one job between them or if they suddenly have a huge call on their income. If their car or boiler fails or one of them is ill there will be severe financial repercussions which might see them fall into debt from which they cannot recover.

I also worry that their poorer friends will be marginalised and left out.

The wedding industry seems to be somehting of a vanity project and, as we all know, pride comes before a fall.

hazyjo

I'm sure deep down most of us would prefer to stay put - the nicest ones I've been to have been a night out either local or somewhere in the UK (with or without a short flight).


I've had two, both of which I organised myself and were very local! One walkable, the other a short cab ride! Seriously, who can really afford it? If they're coming to the wedding, that in itself if expensive enough! I don't put myself on that high a pedestal that I think people should spend hundreds on both (hen/wedding) to celebrate MY day

PasturesNew

The mistake with any hen do is saying "yes" in the first instance. If possible, it's better to stay to one side, suggesting you might be able to make it "at the last minute", then see how things develop and choose to buy in at the last minute if you wish to, knowing what the costs will be.

In this instance, for the sake of £5 I'd sigh and pay up - and make it perfectly clear that I'm now wiped out and that's it, there' be no more "hand in the pocket" for me as I've had to sell the pocket to come up with this FINAL £5.

Pollycat

MSE_Sarah wrote: »

My friend’s hen do costs are spiralling out of control. A relatively cheap weekend away in a country cottage has risen to £160 - not including travel or a night out in the city. We’re having a beautician visit but I opted out, mindful of money. Now, days before the hen do, the bridesmaids have asked us all to put £5 towards the bride’s beauty treatments. Now, I know it’s just £5, and I hate to appear cheap, but I’m self-employed while the bride earns close to six figures. Is it OK for me to (finally) put my foot down and say NO to these ‘just one more thing’ costs?

It's OK to say 'no' to anything that you can't or don't want to afford.

If more people did it there'd probably be less debt about.

belfastgirl23

I don't think you can say no to the £5 without looking really tight.


But you can take the chance to say that whilst you really want to celebrate and be there for your friend, the costs seem to be increasing and increasing and ask the organiser(s) to be aware that a lot of people are worrying about the potential impact of brexit/rising interest rates/possible job losses and to be aware of this if they are organising a night out in the city. To me paying the £5 is a good opportunity to say 'it's not about the £5 but about escalating costs'. You might find they are glad that someone is putting a brake on things, often it just takes one person to have the courage to speak up and they find that what they are saying chimes with others, and there is a lot of peer pressure in this situation.

claire1a

I've ended up dropping out of Hendos before as the costs were spiralling, paid for what I'd agreed to do to that point i.e. Hotel etc but didn't have any money for food or spends so decided to bow out before I got into more debt!

heartbreak_star

I went on my pal's stag do in April - the cost was laid out straight away, there were 3 activities, and we could join in with as many or as few as we liked.

There was the outdoorsy stuff, which was early and pricey - ~£100
Then there was the curry lunch and brewery tour - ~£20
Finishing with drinks in the stag's local city - ~£however much you want to spend.

I thought it was a decent way of doing it, the best man put no pressure on anyone to attend all of it, and indeed we had people join us at every stage. It worked well

(FWIW, I did the full day and it was AMAZING!)

HBS x

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I've been on expensive 3 night break Hen Dos, and cheaper ones with just afternoon tea. The best things have been:

-chatting (free)
-the Mr & Mrs quiz where you ask the bride questions about the relationship that the groom has already answered, can be very rude and funny (free, just time to organise)
-all of us putting on masks of the groom's face as a surprise while the bride was in the bog- hysterical (someone used their office printer)
-a dance routine a group of us did for the bride's favourite song (~£7 for some cheapo costumes off the internet)

The extra activities are ok, but can often be a distraction when all you want is to spend time with your mates. Often the Hen Do organisers feel they have to fill time with "doing stuff" when it really isn't necessary.

I would pay the fiver, explaining this is the last cost you can contribute to and ask them to check that if you're all covering the bride's share that this has now been accounted for.

Mojisola

MSE_Sarah wrote: »

My friend’s hen do costs are spiralling out of control. A relatively cheap weekend away in a country cottage has risen to £160 - not including travel or a night out in the city.

We’re having a beautician visit but I opted out, mindful of money. Now, days before the hen do, the bridesmaids have asked us all to put £5 towards the bride’s beauty treatments.

Now, I know it’s just £5, and I hate to appear cheap, but I’m self-employed while the bride earns close to six figures. Is it OK for me to (finally) put my foot down and say NO to these ‘just one more thing’ costs?

I don't think you can opt out of the £5 donation because it's a relatively small amount but I would be considering pulling out of the whole event.

Is the bride too self-centred to realise that not all her friends are on the salary as her?