Money Moral Dilemma: Should I keep forking out for my friend's hen do?

ACE1

Is there something wrong with the groom if his bride is so ugly she needs £££s of beauty treatments?

heartbreak_star

Mojisola wrote: »

Is the bride too self-centred to realise that not all her friends are on the salary as her?

It might not be the bride - it might be the chief bridesmaid...

HBS x

layces

How many of the people happy to spend vast sums on totally unnecessary and over-extravagant hen/stag nights are the same people who obsess about the supposedly unreasonable costs of university courses?

BlaEm

I had something similar one year where the costs just kept increasing, and it turned out we were getting very little bang for our buck (transport and an unnecessary Spa hotel, which we wouldn't even be using because of planned day time activities - not included!).

At the evening meal (also extra), when the bill came the organiser wanted us to cover the Bride and we had to politely explain that we just couldn't afford to subsidise any more of her weekend. The Bride herself completely understood and hadn't been expecting a free meal.

From that point, on I vowed that I would never feel bad about not going to a Hen if it was too expensive, or paying for an activity I didn't want to do.

And when I organised a Hen a few years later, I messaged the invitees and asked them what their budget was. The cost then matched that of the person with the least to spend - the Bride only invited the friends she really wanted there, and them being able to make it was more important than a fancy holiday.

In the end we had a weekend away for just over £100 which included transport, budget hotel, all activities and food. People had plenty of time to save before anything was paid, and could opt out of activities if they didn't want to do them. Everyone had a fantastic time and no one felt overstretched.

Pollycat

BlaEm wrote: »

And when I organised a Hen a few years later, I messaged the invitees and asked them what their budget was. The cost then matched that of the person with the least to spend - the Bride only invited the friends she really wanted there, and them being able to make it was more important than a fancy holiday.

In the end we had a weekend away for just over £100 which included transport, budget hotel, all activities and food. People had plenty of time to save before anything was paid, and could opt out of activities if they didn't want to do them. Everyone had a fantastic time and no one felt overstretched.

How sensible and nice this ^^^^ approach is. :T

Mojisola

heartbreak_star wrote: »

It might not be the bride - it might be the chief bridesmaid...

Then it would be even easier to pull out or 'encourage' a cut-back on the spending.

helsie1212

I can completely sympathise and have been under similar pressures this year with 3 hen dos, 3 weddings abroad and one in the UK.

When I organised a hen do I made sure to be really mindful and checked everyone’s budget and organised different activities while letting people opt in and out of things they wanted to do. Everyone seemed happy (even if some of the attendees “forgot” to ever pay me their deposit money).

I have since been invited to a hen do which is in the same pay month as the actual wedding. The group was sent a text from the organiser telling us a full on day of activities in London for the cost of £160 (for 1 day!!) and this didn’t include drink or dinner. I was shocked at the price and this also included subsidising the cost of the hen. I was the only one in the group to message back and I said that the cost was too much and that I would join later in the day. This then gave the others the courage to also question the cost and it is now “only” £100 for the day. I also take issue with paying the bride. It is their life choice to get married and to have a hen so not sure why we should subsidise that but that might be a different debate altogether.

I truly believe we all have choices and should never feel the pressure to spend money on things you don’t want to do or can’t afford. No friend should ever expect you to spend more than you have. Do not feel guilty for being honest about that and don’t be shamed into debt.

REJP

I agree that you should not have to pay for the bride's beauty treatment.
If she was beautiful enough for her future husband to propose to her with her usual makeup that should be good enough.
The amount of money spent on hen and stag do's is ridiculous.
If refusing to pay costs the friendship, so be it. Remind the chief bridesmaid not everyone has a fat wallet.

crmism

I'm right with you - to say that costs are out of control for these kinds of celebrations is something of an under-statement, in my view.

Lavishing money right, left and centre on a weekend hen party is OTT, and somebody needs to put their head above the parapet and say that enough is enough unless there's a cap on the overall price. Yes, we live in different times, but hen parties not so very long ago consisted of a restaurant meal and perhaps a disco later. Today, I'm not sure whether the bride or groom think about how long their marriage will last - they're all for the gratuitous "now" and don't consider the future, about saving, about making a home.

It certainly seems to me that your friend still holds to the belief that money grows on trees and should be spent as quickly as it is earned. I should have thought that she would have taken a more mature line, and thought about containing expenses - something she will need to do post-marriage, unless she and her new husband want to end up in debt.

tallgirld

I would pay the extra £5 and then make it clear that this is the LAST payment I will be making towards this hen party!