Partners and friends of the opposite sex

Pay_me

Just wondering where people stand on friends of the opposite sex when in a relationship?

My situation: Partner of nearly 10 months has given me the ultimatum of remain friends with a girl but break up or lose the friend and remain in the relationship.

Background:

about 2 years ago I met 2 girls in 2 different situations. Girl A was met through a group I joined to meet like minded people as I was looking for more people with similar hobbies etc. Girl B was met from a dating website (context is important I think).

Girl A has been a friend ever since we talk occasionally on text i.e can go weeks with out hearing from each other. We meet up occasionally to do the hobby as an example I have see her twice this year and only four times in the previous year. Girl A also has a partner who I get on with and on the two meet ups this year he has attended. Before me and Girl B started dating me and Girl A went on a night away as friends, different rooms etc, nothing remotely romantic has happened between us ever and never will.

Girl B I met online dating a few months after meeting Girl A and went on a couple of dates with her 2 years ago. Nothing more came of it but we kept in touch and at times text each other and spoke on phone. We had sporadic contact with each other until last October (2016) when we went on a date and started dating properly. Girl B does not trust in friendships of the opposite sex and wants me to phase out my friendship with Girl A. Girl B has displayed intense emotions on the subject including searching Girl A's Facebook finding photos of us together and claiming that we have cheated. The problem here is that the photos are from before October 2016 when me and Girl B started dating. I don't feel that I need to apologise for hanging out with a friend when I was single. Girl B does not accept this and says the photos have broken her heart.

I am at a loss, I enjoy the friendship of Girl A and even the friendship with Girl As partner. Me and him get on well and have recently been camping together etc. I really can see something long term with Girl B but can't stand the thought that she thinks it is acceptable to dictate an other adults relationships and how they can interact with other people and on what level. I have tried to arrange things where all 4 of us can do something together but Girl B ..does not like Girl A even though they have not met and refuses to meet her.

To me Girl A is a friend and context proves that. Girl B is a potential long term partner. I am at a loss of how to deal with this one. I can't handle anymore arguments.

esmy

I'd be perfectly happy with a platonic friendship - I wouldn't be happy that you're still actively looking for other dates (see previous thread)....

Pay_me

esmy wrote: »

I'd be perfectly happy with a platonic friendship - I wouldn't be happy that you're still actively looking for other dates (see previous thread)....

Yes I understand how that one looks however, there is context there in that we had split up over this issue (End of April/May) and got back together after I started that thread. The date I talked about in my second post on that thread was my then ex partner as we were talking again!! The issue of friends of the opposite sex reared it's head again today. I joined online dating during our split because my partner fell in to another relationship quickly (rebound - nearly 10 dates) with an other bloke during that break and at that point it did not seem likely we would get together again. The issue discussed in this post really has caused us relationship problems.

That is why I am at a loss. When we got back together I deleted all online dating accounts and I am not actively looking for other dates.

WolfSong2000

I had a very close male (platonic) friend - his girlfriend (who he started dating after we were already friends) is insanely jealous and I believe it's the main reason our friendship has ended. I'm very upset about it, but he obviously valued his relationship with her more than he did the one with me.

For my part I knew when he started dating her that our friendship would change and we may not be as close as we had been previously, but I never expected the level of jealousy she exhibited.

I'd like to think if I was dating a guy and he was good friends with another woman then I wouldn't have a problem with it as I have 100% platonic friendships with a few guys so know it's possible.

Pay_me

WolfSong2000 wrote: »

I had a very close male (platonic) friend - his girlfriend (who he started dating after we were already friends) is insanely jealous and I believe it's the main reason our friendship has ended. I'm very upset about it, but he obviously valued his relationship with her more than he did the one with me.

For my part I knew when he started dating her that our friendship would change and we may not be as close as we had been previously, but I never expected the level of jealousy she exhibited. As an example I got an invite from him recently to attend one of his parties/events.

I'd like to think if I was dating a guy and he was good friends with another woman then I wouldn't have a problem with it as I have 100% platonic friendships with a few guys so know it's possible.

That is the thing I am sturggling with it is not like I see this girl or talk to her daily it is occasionally. Her partner has no issues and me and him have become friends including doing stuff together.

I have no problems with friendships of the opposite sex I was brought up in a family were it was normal both parents had them. My friends have them. In previous relationships girlfriends have had them and It does not worry me. I don't know how to deal with my current partners insecurities. She wont meet the girl, the facebook thing was mental. I had to say to her look at the photo dates that was from before we got together etc.

I agree getting in to a relationship does change things in that your partner becomes a priority but it does not mean they become your only thing etc. My partner has a male mate... but that is different apparently!! I am at a loss, really am!!

UKTigerlily

Let her go & keep the friend/s! No room for jealousy in a relationship & ultimatums are a definite no unless she's willing to really risk losing you. You don't mean enough to her, for her to cope with you seeing the other girl, with her partner, a few times a year!! Many would not only accept it but meet them too & socialise together

Tahlullah

Difficult one really. I was in the situation when a new partner was jealous of an ex. I made it absolutely clear that the friend remained. Cope with it or walk away. I had no intention of being dictated to on who I could or could not have in my social circle. Plus, friends usually stick around longer than jealous partners.

Worked just fine. Kept partner and friend. But, I would have been happy to lose the partner in that instance, purely because of the demands. Your partner should accept you for you. And that includes the friends they may not like.

Pay_me

UKTigerlily wrote: »

Let her go & keep the friend/s! No room for jealousy in a relationship & ultimatums are a definite no unless she's willing to really risk losing you. You don't mean enough to her, for her to cope with you seeing the other girl, with her partner, a few times a year!! Many would not only accept it but meet them too & socialise together

That is the funny thing I said to her that my point of view is not about the friendship with Girl A it was the principle that she cannot expect to dictate my relationships and how I interact with others that I consider as friends etc. It is not like she is an ex gf she is a friend pure and simple and history proves that. The response I got was I was choosing Girl A over her and that my partner could not be in a relationship with someone who did that.

I was not choosing any one over her I was stating that I will not be dictated to. We are adults surely we meet in the middle on things we don't agree on and in some situations we just suck it up?

The problem is the FB thing turned crazy I am not sure if they could be put in the same room together anymore!!

Pay_me

Tahlullah wrote: »

Difficult one really. I was in the situation when a new partner was jealous of an ex. I made it absolutely clear that the friend remained. Cope with it or walk away. I had no intention of being dictated to on who I could or could not have in my social circle. Plus, friends usually stick around longer than jealous partners.

Worked just fine. Kept partner and friend. But, I would have been happy to lose the partner in that instance, purely because of the demands. Your partner should accept you for you. And that includes the friends they may not like.

I think my partner might be to feisty for that one, we have already broken up over this issue. She is very emotional over the whole thing and I have no idea how to calm her. The only way I see is to give in to her demands, but, where does that stop? What happens when she falls out with my mum? sister? best mate? best mates wife etc??? If Girl A was an ex...I dread to think how my partner would have reacted!! Her reaction to girl A being just a friend I talk to and see occasionally and that we did things together as friends before I got with my partner was stressful enough.

Geoff1963

When you have a relationship with someone, you meet each other's needs.
However, if Girl A is a friend that you value, then you have an "interest" in her. If meeting with her and texting with her, makes you happy, she is meeting some of your needs, and Girl B is only N x more important to you. Girl B is therefore making more of an investment in the relationship than you are. Imagine you and Girl B agree to bet on a horse together, so you can win money for your joint future, but you keep back a few quid, just in case. It doesn't matter that it is only a little.

Do you actually think Girl A is ugly and unpleasant, or if you were in different circumstances, might things come together ? Could you enjoy a relationship with her alone, which didn't have "benefits" ? If so, then she is an emotional safety net. If Girl B doesn't have an equivalent male friend, then she will wonder why her company isn't enough.

Some people have allergies and phobias ; so imagine Girl B is allergic to Girl A. Decide which you want more.

coolcait

It doesn't matter what other people think.

You can either live like this, or you can't.

Once you've decided that, you'll know what to do.

That doesn't mean that the options are easy. But they are what they are.