Mrs S, family life and debt

erniethecat

MrsS, you don't know me, and I don't know you, so I'm not sure how much this helps, but please know that i am sending good thoughts for you. I can only imagine how unbearably difficult things are, even if it's something you want and that you know will make the future better. One small step at a time. My heart is with you.

WannabeFree

You need to be careful still being 'financially' linked to him once you change your Tax credits and things to single. Make sure he updates his address on things like his car etc.

Keeping things on good terms is the best for all of you but the links with banks etc must be cut when he leaves and you make a single claim (if you call tax credits they should close the joint claim and allow you to open the single claim on the phone so have your income details etc to hand)

Remember it will get easier and it will become 'normal' and happy for you x

MrsSave

I've made a list for today and will start by filling in a form to remove mr S from the joint bills account (that's quite a straightforward one - just a form to print and post), but it looks as if it's easier to close the HSBC accounts. Will look a little more into that. I need to change child benefit to be paid into my account instead of the joint one.....will sort that today.

Once I've done both of them I'll sort out the benefits forms. As the only thing we receive at the moment is child benefit, I need to look into whether I can do it over the phone or not.

Mr S is on the water bill. I think the rest are in my name only, will need to check and change that today.

Will contact my local council tax office to remove mr S and apply for a discount.

Will ask mr S to sort driving licence out asap.

Will transfer money over to mr S as he won't have access to the joint accounts further. No idea how much......will need to discuss with him.

We've decided that I'll pay for all childcare costs, clubs, dinner money, school uniform, shoes, etc so will work out a rough cost for that and split 50:50 which will equal child maintenance. I think that's the simplest option. May add birthday parties, to that rather than trying to split costs at the time. I'll write it all down today.

wishingthemortgaheaway

All sounding very organised Mrs S.
Can I suggest adding 1 item to your to do list please?

Sending out the following text to your friends...

'Lovely friends, as you know my circumstances are changing and, as you've all offered to support me, I'm calling in that support.
I'm filling my diary with Thursday night activities. Either come to me, or I'll come to you, simple food, DVDs, board games light hearted conversations. Looking forward to some proper giggles.
Mrs S'

MrsSave

Thank you wishing. I'll probably end up using Thursday nights for doing as much housework as possible to make sure that the time I spend with the boys is special.

The boys are out today in nursery and club which gives us a day to get what we can done. So far this morning I have:
removed Mr S from water account,
filled in a form for the bills account. I just need him to sign it when he gets back later and take it in/post it to the local branch,
Changed child benefit so that it comes into my personal account,
Applied for a form for claiming tax credits. It takes up to 2 weeks to arrive and then 5 weeks to process. I'm hoping by the 1st March it will be sorted.

This is making it seem so real. I'm so sad that we couldn't make this work, but so pleased we are working together at the moment for the boys. I so hope that doesn't change. I keep thinking about next New Years Day and hope we can look back and see we've made the right decision and that all 4 of us are so happy.

I now need to think about next week's meal plan so that I don't have a ridiculous amount of leftover stuff. The boys will be sleeping here 4 nights a week but will also be eating here 1 other. 5 evening meals for the 3 of us to sort, and 2 for just me.

Sorry for the many updates (and probably repeating myself a lot!). This diary is such a good place for me to get my head around things, and to be organised. In rl at the moment, the only people that know are our parents. We need to get the boys sorted first and told. We'll then think about other things.

I'm dreading telling the boys. We'll be doing it tomorrow morning, but agreed that Mr S will stay around for the day and put them to bed so that if ds1 wants to ask questions or just needs plenty of support we'll both be around all day to be there for him. The boys will then be with me until lunch time Saturday. I'm thinking of taking them out for the day on Friday. No idea where or to do what yet, I'll have a think. I've spoken with my mum and she'll be coming with us.

wishingthemortgaheaway

Don't apologise for the updates, we don't have to read or respond.

Personally I would just plan for the meals that there are the three of you, on my meal plan when hubby is away working I just wrote 'freezer meal' then eat just that, a left over's freezer meal. 7 days food for the price of 5.

enthusiasticsaver

Sorry to hear your news Mrs S but I am sure your boys will benefit in the long run from having 2 happy parents even if not together than if you both stay together and make each other unhappy. My sister separated a few years ago from her husband after 29 years and she says on reflection the signs were there from many years ago but they stayed together for the children. On reflection she now wishes they had made the break years ago when the children were young as she is now facing a life without her ex or the children who have now flown the nest so to speak.

On a practical side keep things amicable both in terms of finance and access. Solicitors are expensive and from the sound of it you are both on board with putting your children first and being fair to each other. Housing is usually the biggest issue as presumably at some point he will need to either rent or buy somewhere. Once you know what benefits you are entitled to then work out where you stand.

Your boys are young and will adjust to a new way of living so don't worry about that. Sad but sometimes these things happen.

MrsSave

Thank you both. I'm definitely taking on board what people are saying.

I've now contacted my council to amend my council tax info and ask for information on how I go about the 25% discount.

I've also ordered a dvd player. It wasn't a priority, but ours broke ages ago and we've been using the xbox to watch dvds. I've told Mr S that he can take the xbox (it is his to be fair!) as it will be nice for ds1 to be able to watch dvds at the inlaws but not taking over the living room. I found a cheap one from Tesco with good reviews. I had to buy one for here as ds1 loves watching his DVDs.

I've also taken most of the Christmas decorations down. I'm kind of at a loss about what I should be doing. I think Mr S needs to be sorting his things without me so I'm just pottering around downstairs at the moment.

WannabeFree

You're doing brilliant don't forget that :A

If you want to sort the tax credits sooner have you called them? They let me make my single claim over the phone. Also do you use your online tax account? It's worth having to keep an eye on the payments/details they hold and update things like income etc.

Well done on getting so much sorted, make sure you make time to have a cuppa and sit down too x

MeandO

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, but I just wanted to pop in and say hello as someone who has been in a very similar situation as yourself and has come out the other side. In fact, I detailed it on one of my old diaries which makes for quite painful reading for me these days, but it did help at the time.

My ex husband and I split amicably around Christmas time 4 years ago and, although it has probably been the hardest 4 years of my life, we both still get on well and work together to parent our son. We both have our own houses, new partners (not live-in presently) and would always support each other if needed. The main point though, like your situation, is that we both always put our child first in the decisions we make.

I remember telling DS, who was nearly 3 at the time, that Daddy wouldn't be living in the house anymore, but he would be buying his own not far away and it meant that DS would then have two bedrooms! We got him involved in choosing things for his new room and Daddy's house and, even choking back our own tears at times, tried to make it as positive for him as possible. He took it all in his stride, whereas we struggled immensely.

You will be fine, you will be happy again and you will even come to appreciate your Thursday nights of having a bit of 'you time'! Your children will also grow up to be happy and well adjusted who know both parents love them and work together to parent them. My DS was nearly 3 when we split and he is a happy, well behaved and loving child who knows both of his parents adore him.

Neither myself nor my ex had family locally to support us, in fact, the family involvement we did have made a bad situation much worse for us, but that's another story! It sounds like your Mum lives relatively close to you so make sure you lean on her when you need to. It would have helped me immensely to have family or even friends close to me that I could turn to when needed.

On a practial level, please do register with tax credits (although they are a nightmare to deal with, any extra money will help). Also, contact your gas/elec/water supplier and tell them you are now the only adult in the house and they may reduce your bill if it's based on actual consumption.
If you don't already use YNAB I'd highly recomend it. It has really helped me to budget and pay off my debts.

I find batch-cooking meals I know my DS likes and freezing them is a big help and a great time saver.

It's hard being the only parent in the house at times, but I can honestly say it's made myself and DS so much closer and I appreciate time with him so much more. I know that if we had stayed together then neither of us would have been happy and, in turn, DS would have suffered.

Sorry this has turned into a long post, I just wanted to tell you that it will all work out and you and your children will be fine, despite how it feels at times.

If you ever need a sympathetic ear feel free to pm me.
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