Wife with PND and PTSD and "Fake" Memories

Kaye1

I had a very traumatic birth with my first child. We both nearly died and she was 2 months early.

To this day, I can't watch things on tv about premature babies. However, the 'bliss' website helped as did other websites about premature birth.

Knowing that I wasn't the only one feeling this really, really helped. Perhaps you could find a forum which shared similar experiences? Not necessarily to interact on but just to see that she isn't alone.

Many years later I had to go back to the special care ward as my nephew was in there- it felt awful. So I would say that the feelings never go away but it does get easier to deal with them.

Sarra Hoy (Chris Hoys wife) has written a lot online about her traumatic birth experience.

I wish you all the very best.

Sam_Fallow

Keezing wrote: »

Dealing with her depression is nothing new. I've been with her for 12 years and knew what I was taking on. She's worth it.

Well said that man! :T

Keezing wrote: »

I just never expected to become the focal point of her depression and it's really hard to help her when she blames me and offends me. It's so easy for me to just be offended after she says things. It's hard to park that to one side and focus on helping.

I still suffer from depression and in the past I've taken it out on my OH. When I'm asked, 'why do you take it out on me?'
I reply, 'because you're the only one here!'
In truth I would have been as bad with anyone in the immediate vicinity but there was nobody else. Surprise, surpise.
Keezing, you need to remember that she is ill and not thinking straight all the time. She is probably not deliberately targeting you but you're the only one to take the flak. With her family not being able to help and 'not liking' the advisors, she probably feels that she is fighting it alone.

The biggest help I got was learning acceptance instead of fighting it.

Keep yourself well as that makes it easier to help her.

I wish you well.

rpc

Keezing wrote: »

When we went to marriage counselling, my wife mentioned that I "don't do enough to help with the parenting", or something like that.

Been there :-) (although not at counselling)

I don't know why, but it's like she got stuck in among all of her problems so she couldn't see anything else. All she knew was her workload and how she felt about it, how that fitted in with the grand scheme of things was neither here nor there.

Sam_Fallow wrote: »

When I'm asked, 'why do you take it out on me?'
I reply, 'because you're the only one here!'
In truth I would have been as bad with anyone in the immediate vicinity but there was nobody else. Surprise, surpise.

I came to that realisation and that is, to some extent, how I made it through. It was all so personal, it was hard not to take it to heart sometimes. But I eventually worked out that it was about her, not me, and so it wasn't really directed at me I just happened to be the one she unloaded on. It wasn't easy, but I coped better when I could reason my way to ignoring some of the behaviour.

Depression isn't an excuse for treating anyone like ****, even if it is the reason behind it. But unless you have good counselling in place and are receptive to it, it is going to happen and probably not going to stop. For us, I could was convinced that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and once we had the treatment in place to get the depression under control it would stop. If it was a long term thing, I don't think I could have managed as we were and we would have needed counselling and boundaries.

She still has her days, but I think a clearer mind helps her recognise them now.

Red-Squirrel_2

Keezing wrote: »

Do I tell her the GP is coming or should it be a surprise? Neither seems like a good option.

Go and see the GP on your own first, ask for a double appointment, tell them everything, start to finish, and ask for their help and advice.

euronorris

With regards to the helping out part, it might help to remember that her share, however small it might currently be, could feel utterly overwhelming to her. What she might really be trying to communicate is that, actually, she needs/wants someone to take over every time it gets tough because she doesn't currently have the tools to deal with it emotionally.


I too had a traumatic birth, and PTSD, and a query around PND (though mild, if anything). I was lucky in that there are some great health visitors in my area, who spotted it quickly and I received urgent counselling after spending an hour solid sobbing my eyes out at baby clinic one morning.


My husband is wonderful, and he does so much with my daughter, heck, he's a stay at home dad now, whilst I work, but during my lowest points I was just so......conflicted. I needed him to be there and help out when it was tough, like she was crying and I couldn't figure out why. But, simultaneously, if he did help out and managed to soothe her, I would cry more, and get more upset initially because it felt like she preferred him, and that he could provide what she needed, and I couldn't. I still have moments like that, but thankfully they are infrequent now. I didn't know if I was coming or going half the time. I wanted help, but I already felt like a terrible mother and accepting help felt like it would be some kind of official acknowledgement of how crap I was, or they would think that I didn't love her when I absolutely did (not bonding with baby is all I really knew of PND at that time). Like a previous poster, I was terrified that if they realised I was a crap mother, they would take her away.


It's horrible, and it's not logical, and it's, infuriatingly, circular. Counselling helped immensely, and I am much improved, though I am still to have a birth debrief. The counsellor recommended I do it, but I am still too scared to at this point. Has your wife had one?


So, my poor husband, sometimes he bore the brunt of my conflicted feelings. Luckily, he was as understanding and as supportive as you were.


I can't really offer much other than to say that I think the 'helping out' thing is perhaps not as black and white as you might think. It might be more like how I've described.


I hope you are getting support too, and that together you can find a path to healing.


Take care.

hollydays

euronorris wrote: »

With regards to the helping out part, it might help to remember that her share, however small it might currently be, could feel utterly overwhelming to her. What she might really be trying to communicate is that, actually, she needs/wants someone to take over every time it gets tough because she doesn't currently have the tools to deal with it emotionally.


I too had a traumatic birth, and PTSD, and a query around PND (though mild, if anything). I was lucky in that there are some great health visitors in my area, who spotted it quickly and I received urgent counselling after spending an hour solid sobbing my eyes out at baby clinic one morning.


My husband is wonderful, and he does so much with my daughter, heck, he's a stay at home dad now, whilst I work, but during my lowest points I was just so......conflicted. I needed him to be there and help out when it was tough, like she was crying and I couldn't figure out why. But, simultaneously, if he did help out and managed to soothe her, I would cry more, and get more upset initially because it felt like she preferred him, and that he could provide what she needed, and I couldn't. I still have moments like that, but thankfully they are infrequent now. I didn't know if I was coming or going half the time. I wanted help, but I already felt like a terrible mother and accepting help felt like it would be some kind of official acknowledgement of how crap I was, or they would think that I didn't love her when I absolutely did (not bonding with baby is all I really knew of PND at that time). Like a previous poster, I was terrified that if they realised I was a crap mother, they would take her away.


It's horrible, and it's not logical, and it's, infuriatingly, circular. Counselling helped immensely, and I am much improved, though I am still to have a birth debrief. The counsellor recommended I do it, but I am still too scared to at this point. Has your wife had one?


So, my poor husband, sometimes he bore the brunt of my conflicted feelings. Luckily, he was as understanding and as supportive as you were.


I can't really offer much other than to say that I think the 'helping out' thing is perhaps not as black and white as you might think. It might be more like how I've described.


I hope you are getting support too, and that together you can find a path to healing.


Take care.

(((Hugs)))

clairec79

As you mention your son is three and a half he (and therefore you/your wife) still come under the health visitot - even though they don't tend to visit much at that age.

That may be an avenue worth persuing as well - if you could speak to her and explain she may be able to come and help, some are very good at helping with postnatal depression/PTSD - the visit may be accepted more easily on a check up on your son and family before he gets to school age basis rather than her accepting a GP visit which is just about her

System

I'm sorry you're going through this

Don;t know how easy it os for you to get a doctors appointment but i was told by my GP oif i couldn;t get one and needed one for MH reasons to call 111, they can put you through to the community doctors services who have access to the local crisis team. Obviously try and get an appointment but if you can;t you have options should you need them.

It can be difficult for partners of those with a mental illness. I had to apologise to my bf this week because i've been very irritable and snappy as i'm coming off my anti depressent. He told me not to be silly and that i can;t help it but i feel awful having it affect him.

There's some really good advice on this thread and i hope you find a solution for you and your wife. You sound like a very loving and caring husband who just wants to help anyway he can.

Keezing

I asked her to go back to the doctors last night after she hit me with another one of her memories.

She said "a new mother shouldn't have to ask her husband to stop looking at her like he hates her" apparently after she asked me to stop I responded with "what do you want me to do, pretend?".

She genuinely thinks this happened. It breaks her heart to tell me these things. It's not fake to her.

She wasn't against the idea of going back to the doctors this week. Would it be acceptable for me to ask to go in with her?

Takeaway_Addict

Keezing wrote: »

I asked her to go back to the doctors last night after she hit me with another one of her memories.

She said "a new mother shouldn't have to ask her husband to stop looking at her like he hates her" apparently after she asked me to stop I responded with "what do you want me to do, pretend?".

She genuinely thinks this happened. It breaks her heart to tell me these things. It's not fake to her.

She wasn't against the idea of going back to the doctors this week. Would it be acceptable for me to ask to go in with her?

Are you writing these down including times and dates...would be worth doing IMO for future preservation if required.

Also, no harm in asking but even if she says no perhaps you should go for your self anyway?