Wife with PND and PTSD and "Fake" Memories

hazyjo

My OH is bipolar and not long after we were together he went through similar things and told me I had said things - we used to have blinding arguments about how he saw something and I would go on the defence. It was often totally out the blue. I feel your pain!


He's been happy and calm for the last four or so years and now and again I mention things he said, did, or accused me of and he says 'I wasn't well...'. He often looks back himself and talks out loud insulting himself over things he remembers. Chances are once your wife is through the depression or whatever it is, she will look back and know you didn't say or do those things. I know it's little consolation at the moment.


Counselling has never really helped my OH (he's had major trauma in his life), but I think the anti-depressants did help a bit. If she didn't like the side effects of the ones she was on, she should try another. Sounds like she needs medical intervention.

rpc

My wife suffered from bad PND (and I do wonder if there was some PTSD) after she had our twins. It took a very long time to find medication that worked for her. A few years on, she still goes through periods when she is rather fragile.

Dabbling with self harm, lots of dark thoughts, talking about putting one or both girls up for adoption, outbursts (verbal and physical), it was a pretty dark time for both of us.

Mostly, she just has blanks in her memory although photos really help her there. I don't have the blanks, although I sometimes wish I did.

She didn't like the drugs either (although she had been on antidepressants before). They take away the lows, but they also take away the highs so everything became emotionally neutral. Add in some "brain fuzziness" (can't think of a better way to describe it) and it isn't exactly great, but it is better than the alternative.


She received a lot of help from Crossreach (http://www.crossreach.org.uk/). I don't think they told her anything I hadn't, but it had a lot more authenticity. She mostly appreciated someone listening without being judgemental. I didn't count because she always thought I was judging her (which I never was). Counselling really helps a lot of people, but she has to want help. If we'd relied on NHS counselling, she probably wouldn't have lasted until she got an appointment.

I think she needs to see her GP, hopefully she can accept that she isn't right and get help. That's the biggest step, but it doesn't sound like she is open to it at the moment. Drugs, counselling, etc aren't the long term solution for most. They do help you get through the short term in order to reach a better place.

She has to want help, you can't force her. You can support her through the process, but she has to go willingly.

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

How are you?

Why can I only thank this once?

I have never felt as alone as I did when my wife's had her PND. Nobody ever asked about me and it always felt like there was nobody to talk to.

Jenniefour

rpc wrote: »

She has to want help, you can't force her. You can support her through the process, but she has to go willingly.

Excellent post. The only bit I would add to the above is that sometimes a decision does have to be taken by someone else if the person concerned is really far too unwell to make a decision that is in their best interests. Which can be very hard/not possible for a non medical person to assess accurately. I know of a similar situation where the GP came, called a psychiatrist for immediate admission to hospital as the wife was so terribly unwell, and her husband, partly because he was living it every day, hadn't realised how ill she was. Neither is there any reason why he should have known, he wasn't a doctor. All turned out well over time, and after the wife had been treated and proper arrangements put in place to help her husband take care of the children for a while. I also know of other situations where the need care/treatment was provided without the need for hospital admission.

A home visit by GP will result in a proper assessment, and will indicate what support/treatment OP's wife needs. Which could well be some kind of treatment with extra support put in at home to support everyone in the family.

justme111

I am sorry for what you are going through. It must be a relief to read the examples of similar situations improving. If you were a woman I would have advised divorcing. I do not think I would go through it , she is broken and it is not your responsibility and probably not in your power to fix her. Life is too short to spend it with broken people. But you are a man and it makes situation difficult unless you can get custody for your child as I would imagine you would not want to split with her and leave your child with someone so unstable. Good luck whatever you do.

elsien

justme111 wrote: »

I am sorry for what you are going through. It must be a relief to read the examples of similar situations improving. If you were a woman I would have advised divorcing. I do not think I would go through it , she is broken and it is not your responsibility and probably not in your power to fix her. Life is too short to spend it with broken people. But you are a man and it makes situation difficult unless you can get custody for your child as I would imagine you would not want to split with her and leave your child with someone so unstable. Good luck whatever you do.

Ouch.
You tell the OP he should divorce her, except he can't because he's a man, may not get custody and would have to leave his child with someone unstable.
And this is meant to be helpful how exactly? Sticking a good luck on the end doesn't make it any less insensitive.

Keezing

I'm sorry it took me so long to answer your questions.

lewishardwick wrote: »

Remember to look after yourself and your son. Are there family who can help out looking after him in an emergency?

I'm lucky that I have a fairly solid family and some close friends. Unfortunately my wife's family is a cocktail of mental health issues and alcoholism.

kelpie35 wrote: »

I think you need to ask your GP to make a home visit urgently for both of you.

Thank you for the suggestion. I think you are right. I'm working on building up the courage to make this happen.

Do I tell her the GP is coming or should it be a surprise? Neither seems like a good option.

trailingspouse wrote: »

You might find this website useful - Let the Sun Shine In - http://www.mypartnerisdepressed.com/forum/

I spent hours reading through the posts on that forum last night and couldn't believe the similarities. That has really opened my eyes. Thank you.

justme111 wrote:

I am sorry for what you are going through. It must be a relief to read the examples of similar situations improving. If you were a woman I would have advised divorcing. I do not think I would go through it , she is broken and it is not your responsibility and probably not in your power to fix her. Life is too short to spend it with broken people. But you are a man and it makes situation difficult unless you can get custody for your child as I would imagine you would not want to split with her and leave your child with someone so unstable. Good luck whatever you do.

Right now divorce just seems like a disaster for everyone involved. She's is a great mum and I want her to be in my son's life, and I can't bear the thought of not being able to see my son every day. I really don't know what she would do - suicide would be a risk.

At the moment my son goes to nursery during the week and I look after him at the weekend. We both spend time with him in the mornings and evenings. He is happy and healthy.

Thank you so much for all the comments and advice. It has helped a lot.

Jenniefour

"Do I tell her the GP is coming or should it be a surprise?"

I would suggest booking the appointment, let them know it's urgent and take the time off work to make sure you're there too. Let her know you've asked the GP to come because you think it will be helpful for you both to have a discussion with him/her to see if there's anything they can offer that would be helpful at present. If it's possible get a trusted person you know to take care of your child so that you and your wife can talk with the GP without needing to be taking care of him as well.

If your GP - hopefully this won't turn out to be the case - can't get there for a couple of days then perhaps let her know the night before so you know you're with her all the time until GP arrives. I say that because there appears to be some concern about whether your wife might be suicidal, although it wasn't referred to in this particular context. You know your wife, trust your guts on that one.

haras_nosirrah

justme111 wrote: »

I am sorry for what you are going through. It must be a relief to read the examples of similar situations improving. If you were a woman I would have advised divorcing. I do not think I would go through it , she is broken and it is not your responsibility and probably not in your power to fix her. Life is too short to spend it with broken people. But you are a man and it makes situation difficult unless you can get custody for your child as I would imagine you would not want to split with her and leave your child with someone so unstable. Good luck whatever you do.

the user name 'just me' seems to suit you - maybe the op meant his marriage vows in sickness and in health. Pnd is a very scary place to be and she has that condition after giving birth to the op child. She is sick and he needs to support her as much as possible so she can get back to being the woman he fell in love with and the best wife and mother possible

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's so hard to care for somebody you love when they're so ill. I know society has come on in leaps and bounds in how we speak about people with mental illnesses, but we still tend to forget the impact it has on the people around them - the ones who never know what's going to be on the other side as their key goes into the front door, who see the light go out of the eyes of the person they love so much, and who feel they can't complain because 'I'm not the one who is ill/gone through all that'.


Your wife sounds desperately unwell and could even be showing signs of psychosis - what you describe as 'false memories' suggests that she is at least occasionally losing her grasp of reality.


I actually made a phone call to the GP once in related circumstances - I ended up speaking to the lovely, lovely lady on reception (they are not all the uneducated harridans that people unable to get an appointment for their bunions to be looked at seem to think) for nearly an hour. She phoned me back shortly afterwards with loads of advice, an emergency number, an emergency appointment to get him seen, what to do if they refused to go - and I wasn't even registered with them, it was his GP and I'd had to go all secret squirrel and find out his GP details without actually asking him for them.

In your case, I'd suggest that you make an appointment during the day to see your wife's GP - explain your worries when you make the appointment - including your worry of her hurting herself - and they will in all probability move Heaven and Earth to get you seen quickly. Go to the appointment - and, in my opinion, don't tell your wife about this - and be absolutely honest to the GP about what's going on and that you want/need a home visit because she is unlikely to come to the surgery, having stopped all medication. Your GP might agree to visit, or might make a 'routine review appointment' to try and get her in the door.

You're right, it's not going to go down well with her when she finds out, but that's the point - if she were prepared to have treatment and continue it, this wouldn't be happening in the first place. But I presume you took your son for his vaccinations even though they aren't the most fun for babies, because it was in his best interests to do so. Taking a deep breath and risking an angry or upset response from your wife because she needs it and you're prepared to take that risk for her benefit is what you do when you love someone.


I've had the conversation where I've had to say 'I love you, I love you so much, it breaks my heart to see you so unhappy - even when you're sleeping, I can see you're having bad dreams and memories. We've tried so many things, but you're not getting better, you're still so desperately unhappy. If I could fix everything right now and make it all go away, I would, but I can't - we need help. I need help. I'm scared for you. Every time I walk in the door, I don't know what I'm going to find. You can't go on with feelings like that - it's not fair on you. We have to do this. And I'll be with you every step of the way if you want me to. Because I love you and want to see you happy again.'

Eventually, he began to get better. It wasn't easy, and I did consider quite a few times whether I was making it worse, whether I wanted to stay, whether I could manage to stay or have to leave for my own sanity, and whether he'd ever be the same again.

There was a wobble during his recovery when he realised what it had been like for me to look after him for so long - but that was good in the end, because I couldn't have told him exactly what it was doing to me at the time; he'd have been horrified, guilty and ashamed - and even more suicidal.


If your wife still refuses to engage in treatment, there might need to be some compulsory element to it, you might need to give an ultimatum and act upon it (so don't say it if you can't) - but let's concentrate upon what you need to do now. Which is to get the severity of her condition across to her GP. The GP is the gatekeeper to accessing support services and treatment. Once that's done, it's getting the severity across to her.


We can deal with the rest when that comes. Two missions are quite enough right now.

Primrose

It sounds as if you are desperately lonely in your situation at the moment and that the weight of the world is resting on your shoulders. Do please realise that in some ways you are in need of as much emotional help and support as your wife is and you too need to be checked out by your GP to ensure you don't go under with the pressure of the weight currently on your shoulders.

There is no shame in acknowledging this. Many of us have had periods in our lives where we have felt overwhelmed by a specific situation, but it gives you a very good reason for requesting a GP home visit to both of you.

It might be helpful to take your close family (and possibly your employer) into your confidence with this. The GP might decide your wife needs immediate emergency hospital admission so having family who could temporarily care for your son will take the pressure off you. I had to deal with an unexpected sectioning of a close family member for mental health reasons and it was traumatic. Don't try and carry the burden alone.

Meanwhile do keep up your positive actions at home. Creating a calm atmosphere of wellbeing will help both your wife and son. Try to remember that much of the negativity directed at you by your wife may be caused by her depression. You are probably not unloved. It'a just her illness which is darkening her objectivity and triggering her to see the black side of everything.

I wish you well. Please keep us updated. I know we are strangers on here but many of us have had to live through these dark moments with family members of our own so will try and support you.