Wife with PND and PTSD and "Fake" Memories

Takeaway_Addict

Glad to see on my return that you've had some great advice and thankfully from people who have been in a similar situation.

Just an idea but make sure you plan something for yourself this weekend, a small treat/reward as part of looking after yourself.

thriftyemma

As a fellow sufferer of severe PND, I can relate to some of what your wife is going through. There are two things I'd like to share.

Firstly, I was very reluctant to seek help, as I thought this meant I was a 'bad mum'. I was worried someone would take me away, or take my children away from me. I wasn't thinking rationally, it's very hard to do so through the fuzziness. My OH very gently, and very lovingly, helped me to get to my GP. I didn't realise at the time how unwell I was, but eventually got the help I needed.
OP, your wife will probably be very scared of getting help. Do your best to reassure her she is a good mum. What everyone wants is for her to be well, and continue looking after your child. No-one ever wants to take a child from their parent. It may seem an irrational fear, but support without judgement will help an awful lot.

Secondly, do not be afraid of asking for urgent help if it's needed. If at any point, you fear for her, your own, or your child's safety, go to the nearest A&E and tell them exactly that. Urgent help will be given. When I was very ill, I understated how bad I was, because I felt ashamed. Mental health issues are still taboo, and talking about them openly is difficult. If your wife is thinking of self-harm, of suicide, of making plans to end it, please tell some one.
I was having visual and aural hallucinations during my worst moments, and once I finally admitted it, I was given urgent help. And I do mean urgent, a team of mental health workers were visiting me at home within 24 hours. They visited me every day for about 2 weeks, adjusting medications as needed, bringing medication to me, giving lots of support and basic counselling. Please do not be afraid of asking for help, they are professionals who only want the best for your wife, and will help support you both on the road to recovery.

And, as a side note, I have now been off medication for 2 years. I consider myself "well", although I still have dark days, and always will. There is light at the end of the tunnel. OP, you are an amazingly selfless, caring person, and although depression may be clouding her feelings for you right now, I'm sure she will be very grateful you are by her side.

FBaby

Just to comment on the 'I'm helping out'. I think this matter is often a bone of contention because of a different perception of how often you are expected to intervene for it to be considered 'helping out'.

My ex used to argue that he did help out when the kids were little. This though usually involved him intervening on a basis of 'if I don't help right now, I'll get in trouble' rather than doing so on a regular and reliable manner.

It does sound in your case that the issue is deeper than this though. Just a thought. Has your wife been prescribed Diazepam (valium) for her anxiety? If so, poor or distorted memory is a known side effect.

Keezing

FBaby wrote: »

Just to comment on the 'I'm helping out'. I think this matter is often a bone of contention because of a different perception of how often you are expected to intervene for it to be considered 'helping out'.

My ex used to argue that he did help out when the kids were little. This though usually involved him intervening on a basis of 'if I don't help right now, I'll get in trouble' rather than doing so on a regular and reliable manner.

It does sound in your case that the issue is deeper than this though. Just a thought. Has your wife been prescribed Diazepam (valium) for her anxiety? If so, poor or distorted memory is a known side effect.

When we went to marriage counselling, my wife mentioned that I "don't do enough to help with the parenting", or something like that.

The response from the counsellor was "Wait, he goes to work Monday to Friday, he helps in the evenings, mornings and nights and he takes him at the weekend. Your son goes to nursery during the week. What do YOU do?"

This did not go down well and she refused to go back. To be fair the comment wasn't helpful and she probably wasn't a good marriage counsellor.

To the best of my knowledge my wife has not been on any anxiety medication.

Dealing with her depression is nothing new. I've been with her for 12 years and knew what I was taking on. She's worth it.

I just never expected to become the focal point of her depression and it's really hard to help her when she blames me and offends me. It's so easy for me to just be offended after she says things. It's hard to park that to one side and focus on helping.

FBaby

Maybe blaming you is her way to cope with her depression. The alternative is to blame herself and that could be a spiral to giving up totally. Also, anger can be a source of energy when you are totally deflated of it.

I do fully understand how hard it is not to take things personally and not feeling deflated, especially when you are doing so much to help and therefore dragging yourself ragged too.

I think you need to distinguished the individual things she blames you with, and try to look at the bigger picture and put the onus back on her. How much help would make her feel that you are being a fully supportive husband, and then go from there. It might help her open her eyes to how much you do and also help with coming up with a compromise.

What she needs is to regain some positive energy so she can focus on what she can give back, rather than only focus on what everyone needs to provide her.

Primrose

I can understand why the marriage counsellor asked that question. It needed to be asked, even if perhaps it was not necessarily framed in the most tactful way. One of the points of independent counselling is to flag up issues that are causing problems (or perceived to be causing problems) and it's inevitable that one party will sometimes take offence if questions are asked that are personally uncomfortable to answer and engage with or don't appear to coincide with what one of the parties feel is being fair to them.


Counselling is painful and your wife's depression almost certainly makes her reluctant or incapable of delving into emotionally difficult issues.


You say your wife has suffered from depression for 12 years and you knew what you were taking on. I think perhaps you thought you knew and understood that from the perspective of where you were at that time. It may have been copable with then. Adding the perspective of family life, marriage a small child and a full time job will undoubtedly have added a new dimension, the practicalities of which were perhaps hard to imagine.


I think it might help if at the end of each day you sit down with each other and you run through all the positive things you have done to provide support. it's easy in her depressive state to be unmindful of them and I think you need to reinforce to yourself how hard you are working to keep this marriage afloat. Nobody else will give you the credit you deserve but try and phase it in a way that doesn't make her feel inadequate. If it gives her a feeling of security that things are being held together until she can get herself into a better place it may encourage her to believe that if she has to accept outside help day-to-day family life will not collapse.


I hope you soon get some outside help. There comes a time in some of these situations where you have to stop trying to swim against the tide and accept that outside assistance and skills are needed if you too are not to collapse under the weight of the burden you are carrying.

justme111

Op says she is worth it. I wonder why he does not think he is worth someone without history of depression. I suppose my last comment about divorce was hasty. When children are young people are vulnerable and not very coherent. So drastic decisions may be not best now.

Primrose

I'm sure that in her normal mentally healthy state OP's wife is a nice person or he probably wouldn't have fallen in love with her.


Depression can certainly make somebody's behaviour and reactions temporarily not very nice to live with, but that is entirely a different issue.

Archergirl

Keezing..........What a wonderful husband and parent you are, you wife is so lucky to have you, so many people would have just walked away.
I understand she is going through a tough time but you can't help her unless she wants to be helped and to help herself.
Do you have pics of the beginning of your relationship when all was well? Maybe looking at them and talking my remind her how it was and help her see where it has gone awry, maybe a silly suggestion but she seems to have forgotten the good times...........

Primrose

I don't think that,s a silly suggestion at all. One can become so immersed in depression that its all too easy to forget that there have been earlier good times or indeed that it's ever possible for them to return again.

What you have to hold out to your wife is the reality that these things can indeed be possible again and anything which helps her on the steep climb back to normality is worth trying.