Wife with PND and PTSD and "Fake" Memories

Keezing

For background info, my wife has always struggled with depression due to some traumatic life experiences when she was a child, but prior to the birth of our son it was always "us against the world". Now I'm the problem.

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3 and a half years ago my wife gave birth to our daughter. She ended up have an emergency caesarian which was bodged and she was in hospital for 2 weeks having a number of operations to rectify the hospital's mistakes. Our daughter was also briefly in special care, but she ultimately turned out to be just fine, and she is doing great.

My wife developed PTSD from the traumatic experiences and she still suffers with flashbacks and scary dreams. She was separately diagnosed with PND.

She struggled with treatment because she never liked the side-effects of the tablets and she went through several therapists, failing to find one that she "liked". She is currently not on medication nor seeing a therapist, and hasn't had any treatment for over a year.

She also ran up massive debts, most of which I have balance transferred into my name to help her anxiety.

The reason I'm posting is because our marriage is now seriously strained. She has memories of things that did not happen, or things that did happen but have been dramatically exaggerated or changed in her mind.

For example:

• She told me how one time she was breastfeeding our daughter and I "Stood over her and told her she was a bad mum". This 100% didn't happen. I have only ever told her how proud I am of her as a mother.
  
• She says I never helped her in the nights or got up in the morning with our daughter. This is not true.
  
• She says I "shouted" at her in the car on the way home from the hospital with our son. I can't remember the full journey, but I think it is very unlikely that this is true. I'm not a shouty aggressive person.
  
• She says one day she was having a breakdown on the floor and I called her "pathetic". This is not true.
  
  And countless other examples of me being a truly horrible person.

Regardless of whether these events really happened, they seem real to her. This is her reality.

Yesterday she told me that she has never loved me.

She doesn't want to leave me. She has no money, family, friends and she is too anxious to go back to work.

We tried marriage counselling but the counsellor told her some things that she didn't like so she refused to back for a second time.

I am still in love with her and I want to support her and raise our daughter. How do I best do this?

Takeaway_Addict

How are you?

Keezing

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

How are you?

I almost burst out crying reading that.

I was not prepared for that question.

Red-Squirrel_2

I wish I had some advice, but just wanted to say that my heart goes out to both of you, what a terrible situation to find yourself in.

I hope someone can offer something more practical soon, and that things can improve.

Takeaway_Addict

Its an important question, the post shows your wife is going through alotbut re-read it and see what you're going through.

Make sure you look after yourself so you are able to look after others. Do you have anyone close you can open up to? If not look at some pre-emptive counselling, if you can pay then to do so.

I'm sure others will offer sage advice about dealing with your wife but I wish you well in looking after yourself.

lewishardwick

I am no counsellor, but as above, take care of yourself.

Help is available to those who want it, it's up to your wife to make that decision for herself, you forcing it will only make matters worse.

Remember to look after yourself and your son. Are there family who can help out looking after him in an emergency?

kelpie35

I think you need to ask your GP to make a home visit urgently for both of you.

This sounds like a nightmare for you both.

Have you got family that can support you all immediately?

Jenniefour

kelpie35 wrote: »

I think you need to ask your GP to make a home visit urgently for both of you.

This sounds like a nightmare for you both.

Have you got family that can support you all immediately?

As above. What a dreadful and distressing situation for you both. It sounds as though your wife is very unwell, and in desperate need of medical care even though it might be hard/impossible for her to recognise this herself.

Geoff1963

Tough one.
I was once advised, "Never help someone so much, that they are better off than you are".

Perhaps the answer is to explain that you are trying very hard to look after her and your son, but you need her help to do that. Tell her how any words of encouragement she gives you, help you to work hard and go without luxuries. Say that her kind words help you deal with awkward situations at work, and that sleeping better makes you a better employee. This is really reverse-stating the situation, but it may be better received. Try to think of examples, and show her how easy it is to support you ; then you can mention the odd bad example, which spoils that good effort.

I don't know what sort of work you do, but most of it is easier if you aren't worrying about your home life. You can say how feeling you let her down, is making it hard to focus ; so even though it might be true, you need to be able to put your shortcomings to the back of your mind. Ask her to try and save the criticism, until you have fought your way out of debt, and your son is raised well ; or at least until tomorrow.

Whether she likes it or not ( perhaps not ) you are her best chance of "survival", in almost any sense ; so looking after you ( your emotional needs ), is her best winning strategy. Imagine the pilot of a failing aircraft, who doesn't care about his passengers ; their best strategy is to point out to him, that landing the plane safely, is in his own best interests.

she told me that she has never loved me

That's very harsh.
Maybe you can say that to help your son grow well, you need to put on a front to him ; to act like parents who love each other, so he feels safe. Her own life experiences might help her understand how important that is.

I probably haven't put that over well, and the devil is in the detail ; but there might be some useful pointers in there somewhere.

Keezing

Thanks everyone for the advice. I appreciate it.

I had a good idea this evening and I'm going to try to find more situations to do things like this.

When my son was a baby I would bath him in the evenings and I had different accents for each of his toys, like a funny elephant that had a Welsh accent.

This evening at bath time I rocked out the same accents and I could hear my wife laughing as she walked past.

I'm hoping that this has reminded her that I DID help out in the evenings :-)

Next step is to whistle the match of the day theme tune as I'm walking around the house, as this was the only way I could get my son back to sleep when he was a baby!

Hoping that subtlety jogging her memory will help her remember positive things, as telling her straight up is not effective at all.

trailingspouse

I truly feel for what you are going through. My OH suffers from chronic depression - we're in it for the long run (17 years so far), but I would be lying if I said there haven't been times when I came close to just walking away and not looking back. But I'm still here, and I've learnt a bit about self-preservation along the road.

Some things for you to remember -
- you're not her parent
- you're not her psychologist
- you can't fix this for her
- none of this is your fault (even if you did shout at her one time long ago)
- you have to look after yourself (like on aeroplanes where they tell you to adjust your own oxygen mask first)
- and you need to lay down boundaries - your wife needs to know that there are things (hurtful, untrue things) that you will not allow her to say to you.

You might find this website useful - Let the Sun Shine In - http://www.mypartnerisdepressed.com/forum/

You're not alone, but it can certainly sometimes feel like you are. Make sure you eat well, get out for a walk, breath the fresh air, and do the stuff you want to do - because not doing so will not cure you wife.