The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

mothernerd

I got word last week (email and phone call) that probate had been granted and the paperwork arrived last Saturday so I've been on a mini spending spree. Last Friday I made appointments for blood tests and an eye test and ordered repeat prescriptions (but left out diabetes pills - no point them sending me 2 month's worth and then finding I still need to switch to insulin next week). on Saturday I booked into a hotel and spa for the Sunday (before the funeral) and Monday (day of the funeral). It's fairly pricey but DS2 and mummy to be have stayed there previously and will be there for the funeral. I haven't been away since December 2019 and thought the hydrotherapy bath and tranquility suite sounded perfect.

I'm planning to take it slowly, set off about mid morning on the Sunday (not sure if the local station is still open on Sunday - need to check), travel by train, take a book to read, most of the route is very familiar (OH's parents lived in Prestatyn). Have a look round when I get off the train. I've booked for 3 pm check in at the hotel so will go there and rest if I need to. Messaged with DS2 since and I asked about places to eat or if I should buy fruit and sandwiches in the afternoon (Prestatyn was zombie land after about 6 pm) and he suggested we might go for a meal.

Monday is the funeral and I've said they can run me up to the crematorium and drop me off early - I don't mind sitting reading a book for an hour or two and will take water and something to eat with me. After the funeral I'm sure someone will have a spare seat in their car. Hoping I can just use a stick and leave the walker in the hotel. When I get tired I can go back to the hotel - by taxi if I have to (depends how many hills there are). Read and sleep and on the Tuesday morning have breakfast early and then take my time getting ready and resting before starting the journey home (again might make a stop off on the way).

Want to make the whole thing as stress free as possible, funeral trauma (and coping with some of ex's relatives) is enough. I haven't cried yet but am expecting to at some point - I still think I'm the best thing that ever happened to that man and he was a fool to treat me so badly and to let me go. I spent last Thursday tracking down an old friend to give her the news - she was a friend of my ex's way before he met me (not romantic). She cared about him but had no illusions about his suitability as a husband/ life partner. 

This Monday I caught the first bus to the infirmary with my sandwich, drinks and a book (10 hours fasting) for blood tests, sat in the sunshine to eat (avoiding the cafe with there delicious but forbidden bacon barms) and caught the next bus back to the bus station. I had a list of things I wanted/ needed and decided to check out the local shops first before going further afield. I ahd looked last week but by Monday I'd narrowed it down to a list of specific items. I bought 3 knee length dresses (basically long vests - my favourite dresses are very holey and chafe on a couple of bits I'm trying to nurse better). I may try taking the skirt of the holey dresses and attaching them to the vest top to make them full length.

I bought one navy and one black new pair of leggings (have several pairs, one has paint all over and the other aren't fit to be worn in public), two swimsuits (hydrotherapy pool), two nighties (one very light cotton for when it's hot  and one brushed cotton with long sleeves for next winter - I've had to put a jumper or sweatshirt on, on colder nights). I found 2 pairs of winter boots, pull on ones with fake fur linings and a pair of all black plimsoles made of patterned elasticated fabric (so they grip my feet) to wear for the funeral (may take the boots as well - there could still be snow on the mountain tops). I can't wear heels, hard shoes, anything pointy toed (or that narrow rapidly) and hate those with a tiny front part that you can only keep on by constantly flexing your big toe. My preference is for Jesus sandals or going barefoot but they both on the diabetic no-no s list.

Then I had my hair cut and all my facial hair dealt with. They're both becoming increasingly difficult (4 - 5 sessions to trim my hair and I can't shape it properly at the back, the way she has done). It was a walk in appointment, only had to wait for 5 mins and the other customers were all 'a certain age' and I liked what they had done. All this was no more than 10 shops into the Mall. Also got copies of the back door key cut (did the front one last Saturday) and posted 2 letters.

Went home to eat, rested for 2 hours and then did a little trip to Bolton. New bus station is nearer the shops and I restricted myself to 2 shops that were in a straight line. Bit sad to see all the ones that have gone - HMV, BHS, another independent bookshop, Early learning Centre. The bookshop did not have the street map I wanted but I did indulge in the downstairs bargain basement. I've ordered more books online (I have a waiting list) but have some to cull.

Yesterday I ordered 'happy socks' (with bees, owls, turtles, squirrels and rabbits) and have a 'recipe box' being delivered on Saturday (all vegan meals and some ingredients I've never tried) and a local veg box and salad box on a fortnightly subscription (they deliver nationwide but are actually based in Billinge (St Helens, Merseyside) which is where DS1 and DS2 were born and near where DS2 went to school (parents evenings were epic journeys). 

I'm not feeling the least bit guilty about the money I've spent. They cut out tedious/ difficult bits of my life or support my health goals. Next is to start filling the 2 empty 2l bottles and freezing water so I always have it to hand. How is everyone else doing?
 

Floss

Mothernerd, I'm sorry, I had missed your post about your loss. I hope your journeys go well.

MrsCD

Me too. Sorry I missed your post and hope all goes as well as can be expected. Will be thinking of you, mothernerd, over the next few days. Try to pace yourself.

gwynlas

I have never contributed to this thread but feel concerned re missing members. Have you all been on a two week charabanc trip to IOW to see Monnagram or up north to visit Nurse Maggie?

pollyanna_26

gwynlas said:

I have never contributed to this thread but feel concerned re missing members. Have you all been on a two week charabanc trip to IOW to see Monnagram or up north to visit Nurse Maggie?

Some of the regulars have been posting Others like myself have done a few posts but have been thinking hard.

One regular member who posted on the Tougher threads and joined the forums a long time before me had been deeply hurt by some recent posts here. Speaking to her yesterday she is adamant she wil never post on this thread again.

There used to be the odd fallout on previous versions of the Tougher threads but she and I felt targeted in a deliberate attack.

There are still lovely peope here some have helped keep the thread alive during recent times.

I've done the odd post since and am determined I will not leave our lovely brave burthaa alone clutching her homenade bunting  after promising her a fence party for her forthcoming  hen party after long hard years of taking her and her family to a better life and finding her frog.

One brave and determined person can chage the world and she did.

This has usually been a freindly,, suppotrtve and at times very helpful or very funny thread;  New posters would come to the tougher threads with no idea how to cook , manage a bidget and no real life skills.

They learned those things on the OS threads.

The clue is in the name of the Forum!

Something that I was accused of was talking of the past. I learned life skills from chidhood onwards and when tough times came I managed to feed and clothe my famiy well  keep paying the mortgage until the house really was ours and never felil in  to any sort of debt having been raised on Mums if you haven't got the cash you can't afford it.

She was horrified when I took on a mortgage but I never missed a payment and all was well.

Many who came to the threads hadn't llearned those life skils growing up but turned their lives around as they listened to advlce and dicovered there were ways to to clear debt , cook healthy meals etc.

I stil believe many of us learn from the past.

Jackie O who many of regarded as the Matriarch of OS  had been missing from the forums for a long time due to seroius illness recently returned as London 1.

She has always taked of her past and how she coped on little money she still is and her posts are helping many again.

To my mind when so many have been trying to make their way through a pandemic sometimes losing loved family and friends . Utility, food and other costs impacting hard on budgets and often Mental or Physical health now is not the time for Snarky comments on a thread.

Martin's mantra remains Be Nice To All Moneysavers. I beieve If You Can't Say Something Nice Don't Say Anything At All.

Those who choose to judge and critisise aren't contributing to  a thread they seldom contribute to these days.

I wil start posting here again. Doubt my friend will again . She has done a few posts on other threads on OS but tslking to her last night is still saying she wil never post here again .

I have blocked one poster I often chatted to over the years. I wont see her posts or any posts quoting  them. I left the sort of behaviour sometimes seen in School Playgrounds behind when I retired from teaching but was reminded of it that night.

This isn't the usual welcome to the Fence gwynlas but I wanted to clear the air for my and my freinds point of view.

Has anyone seen anything of  Nan/ Amy or her suitcase? Still having PM probems and suspect my last reply to her PM didn;t reach her. If you are reading Nan I hope you and Mr Fixit are feeling much better now but remember to take it easy .

polyx

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mothernerd

I've been in North Wales and had a wonderful time at my ex-husband's funeral, despite difficulties. I had booked my hotel for the Sunday and Monday nights. I phoned the hotel direct to book breakfasts (£10 if pre-booked, £14-95 each if ordered when you got there) and my complimentary hour in the spa and a back, shoulder and neck massage (£35). 

Checked train times. Nearest station doesn't have trains going that way on Sunday. Think that might have been the case for some time. We once took the boys and my mother, intending to go to Liverpool and the maritime museum (mum loved ships especially the tall ships but she like looking at yachts as well) and ended up going to Manchester and the Science and industry museum (one of our favourite places). I have photos of mum and the boys on the adjacent Roman ruins.

So the website suggested travelling from Wigan to Crewe and then changing trains for Abergele. Warrington is in the right direction but buses there are only once an hour and the buses to Wigan are every 9 minutes. So booked my tickets (return was the usual route via Chester and to Newton) then checked the accessibility of the stations (first thought was relief that it wasn't Wigan Wallgate - double bank of lovely Victorian stairs with wrought iron handrails - a challenge at the best of times). I wanted to sort my own travel arrangements as I didn't want the boys to be running around helping me when they had lots of other stuff to sort, but then thought that I'd never travelled with the walker - it helps if I can dump any bags on it and my little wheeled suitcase is usually well-behaved. Wigan and Crewe were fully accessible, Abergele is 'unmanned', the conductor on the train would give assistance. Having seen Abergele station, I can understand - some of the tram stops at Blackpool are bigger.

I looked up the passenger assist scheme and bookmarked it, but decided I'd made enough arrangements for one day (spent a morning transferring addresses, booking ref numbers etc into my diary - all on one page). The train ticket confirmation came on Friday - they wanted me to go to Wigan on Saturday evening and catch the 9.30pm train to Crewe and then wait for the 9.25am train to Abergele on Sunday morning (11 hours and 21 minutes wait). Looked at other possible starting points - no joy. Must be engineering works because trains from Manchester were also going via Crewe.

Tried looking at accommodation. I had got the last bed at the hotel and spa because of it being BH weekend as some people would be heading home on the Sunday but this did not apply to the Saturday. Huge prices, or stay in Middlewich (another 17 miles away). Came out of the website and weighed things up but the thought of 11 hours and 21minutes on a station platform was too much. Bit the bullet and went back to book one night in Crewe - found somewhere that was not as cheap as Middlewich but half the price of the earlier ones and was nearly next door to the train station.

On Saturday morning I wasn't feeling well (dizzy again, stayed sitting on the stool for 10 minutes after brushing my teeth, wiped the sink the wall and the door frame whilst sitting). I have since started having something to eat when I wake about 3 am (a few crackers, fruit, even beetroot) preferably something easy to eat whilst half asleep so I can nod off again straight away after, this seems to be helping. I put my head down on the edge of the clean basin and thought about calling the whole thing off but I wanted to go and decided I was going. It was just going to be one big adventure. 

Turned on the laptop and found an email saying my train was cancelled (the odd expletive may have escaped at this point). Checked for earlier trains - all either cancelled or not available, repeated that until I got to the point where trains had already gone. Messaged DS2 and phoned but no response. Messaged darling d-i-l (I had messaged DS1 because DS3 said he had sounded stressed - the response I got was that he could and would handle everything and that I and DS3 should just butt out). He's obviously not handling stuff but he is very aware of men's MH issues (just thinks none of it applies to him) so I thought I'd bypass him. Told d-i-l that if DS2 got in touch the message was I was exploring other options and Don't Panic. 

DS2 phoned me back and gave me the options of him taking me to Abergele early on Sunday, going back home and mummy to be would drive him, DS1 and d-i-l to Abergele around 11pm (they didn't want to take both cars as DS2 thought he might get very drunk after the funeral) or as I had a bed for the night in Crewe, he could drive me there on Saturday evening. they would get on with the errands they had to run and we could decide at tea time. I tried bus options. stupid website insisted on telling me that the train was quickest and cheapest (but these are mythical trains driven by unicorns - they do not actually exist except in a parallel universe). 

Bus from Liverpool to Abergele was very good, but the trip from here to Liverpool was via 3 different buses (with a walker, a suitcase, picnic bag and handbag - I think not). Bus from Manchester went at 16.10 each day (too early on Saturday, too late on Sunday - no pool, no massage, arriving much later, hungry and frazzled). No bus routes from Crewe and looking at the pretty little route maps they gave me, if they messaged me on Sunday to say the Crewe to Abergele train was cancelled I would be an awful long way from anywhere I wanted to be. So agreed that DS2 would take me to Abergele early or they would take both cars and mummy to be would pick me up around 11am.

DS2 had visited us on Friday evening to talk things through with DS3 who has agreed to taking on the valuing and sale of ex's vinyl record collection as his contribution to sorting the estate (with my help but I'm hoping we can scrape together enough for a house deposit as I'm gently encouraging Ds3 and his Beloved and the 3 grand-chinchillas (actual chinchillas, they're never having children) to take their first steps out into the big wide world, with escalated life lessons thrown in. DS2 also brought some photo albums to select from and clarify which were DS2 and which were DS3 in some of the baby photos.

However when DS2 relayed this information to DS1, DS1 threw a tantrum and said he wouldn't go to the funeral (he had previously insisted on everything going through him) He had given DS2 one hour to approve the Order of Service before it went to the printers, radically altered from the provisional one DS2 had drawn up and which appeared to cut out DS2's tribute. 

So got up early on Sunday, packed my suitcase, handbag and picnic bag (took everything perishable from the fridge plus a few crackers and crispbread, some cheese triangles and falafel from the ys shelf) - even if I didn't eat it all it was better than just throwing it out. The handbag is small briefcase size (bought for ex m-i-l's funeral when my choices were that one -it's very neat, actual briefcases or evening bags with barely room for a credit card and a tissue) and I had one section stationary items, one medical stuff and the other essential (purse, keys, passport, scan picture of my baby grand-daughter, phone etc) and all my pills in the little zipped compartment. 

Scheduled departure was 11am, postponed until noon in case DS1 changed his mind, then they'd be with me at 1 pm (decided to put a ready meal in and eat it, then at 1pm they phoned to say they were just setting off - this is DS2 time, mummy to be and myself had been packed for hours. 

However from then on everything went wonderfully. I've been treated as an honorary widow for the weekend at DS2 and mummy to be's insistence - I was his only marriage, possibly his only true relationship. He was a romantic. He has had several relationships where he has settled on an object for his affections and written poems to them, referred to them as 'his lady' escorted them to concerts, out for meals etc with only the odd chaste kiss as reward. Some of these women were happy to let him pay for everything but never wanted a relationship with him. 

When DS2 insisted I should go in the family car (I stayed in the background at his parents funerals), then mentioned the ex's sister (if she turned up) I thought 'If I'm in the family car, she'll kick off'. When I voiced this at the wake, ex's baby bro said she would have kicked off at him being in the family car. Luckily she came in at the back after everyone else was seated, cried throughout and left the same way as soon as the service concluded. Some people came to the service but not the wake, some of his pub friends came in later. People from Bridge Club, quiz friends, musical friends and rugby supporting friends were there.

Some people were away or couldn't face the funeral and there were few enough family members to tolerate one another's foibles and avoid the punch up that traditionally follows ex's family weddings and funerals (in the car on the way to their nanna's funeral I told the boys we would be dignified and leave the fighting to daddy's family). Baby bro was repeatedly called out on his sexist and racist remarks and his descent into dirty old man territory at one point,  Mummy to be is very worried by toxic relationship patterns which she doesn't want to carry down to baby and her future siblings. I told her that I had more or less sussed out ex's family the first time I met them. Ex would argue against everything I said but a few years later would come and say 'you were right about so and so'.

I've been gifted a small trinket box - stained glass style made from I think they're Capiz shells - Ds2 thought it was my favourite colours and I couldn't resist because it's a Mackintosh pattern, a tablet thing (they had bought for their dad to use in hospital and DS1 and DS2 had decided it would be good for me). I think they give lessons at the library so I can learn what to do with it. I have also increased my medical supplies - I hobbled down to the town centre yesterday in search of notecards. There was a file in ex's flat with notes from the district nurses and it says to return it to them, so I wrote a thank you note for all the care they've given him over the years and that will be dropped off on a subsequent visit (the skip is coming on Friday).

Social services collected some equipment yesterday but the wheelchair isn't their's (they told DS2 where to look for the details and mummy to be told him to take a photograph so he can phone them from home. all his ties are going to a group that makes them into patchwork quilts for babies in the neonatal unit. Each baby gets to take it's own quilt home and ex's name will be embroidered somewhere on it. They rounded up the rest of his clothes and took them to a cs. I said there was a pharmacy on the high street and suggested we go through the 3 carrier bags of medical stuff and drop the drugs off. We still have about one an da half bags of various dressings, saline ampules, some antiseptic cream for me. paracetamol for my ex s-i-l and 2 very sweet tiny tubs of sudocrem for the baby. We brought one box of records for DS3 and myself to start on. one box of paperwork for DS2 to sort (I went through it there and sorted it into categories - DS3 didn't want me to throw anything but I persuaded him he didn't need utility bills from 2007) and some items could be set aside because they belong with the flat (gas and electric safety checks).

Well I've written quite enough (I still don't feel inclined to do any work). I was tired and sleepy (the pleasant, in front of a warm fire kind of sleepy) so I've had 2 caffeinated drinks to keep me awake. I have just had a 4th meal from my salad bits (I have eaten rocket, watercress, hm no mayo coleslaw , celery, carrot, cucumber and tenderstem broccoli sticks with mint and soya yoghurt dip, a whole red and green pepper cut into strips, most of a pack of beetroot, a couple of apples + crackers, falafel and cheese triangles over the weekend. 

I've had my shower and applied antiseptic cream, bite cream, ibuprofen gel, hydrocortisone cream, eye drops and general use it up moisturising cream. I'll have a think and try to sketch out some lists for the rest of this week and probably next. Hope we get some more fence hoppers soon.
 

nannywindow

Hello I'm still in the land of the living but struggling with my energy after a prolonged bout of illness, even stringing a sentence together is sometimes a challenge. I did my first post for ages on the Daily thread yesterday so "the only way is up" to coin a song 🎶
Today I was treated to lunch by DH as I missed my birthday last weekend. DD and the DGC came over on Saturday with some presents and a caterpillar cake, my favourite. Sadly no proper birthday tea as I just wasn't up to it, however the cake, coffee and an hour with my family was lovely. DH also bought me 2 huge geraniums from the garden centre so I will pot them up sometime in an unused water barrel fountain which hasn't been used for quite a while, but I didn't want to waste it or throw it out. ( may have to rope him in to help )
I agree that there was a bit of playground shenanigans going on. which IMO was unnecessary. Seems though those who shouted so loudly are now nowhere to be seen ! Personally I thought this was always a very supportive thread with elements of "madness" which brightened up my day if I felt really down in the dumps, so I hope it can get back to that.
Polly sincere apologies if I missed your message, they seem to be hit and miss. We are slowly on the mend but I'm having to learn to sometimes sit still and watch the world go by, not something that comes naturally as usually I can always find something that I need to do. I hope you and your DD are reasonably well and coping on the illness front too. Love Amy/nan xx
Mar I don't know if you are still able to read along but I hope you and the RV are as well as possible. Hugs to you both.
Mothernerd glad you had a good time despite the problems you encountered.
gwynlas hope you stick around and help bring the thread back to it's former glory.
Burtha hope you, your family and the frog are OK.
Hello to any other posters who are thinking of joining in again 🙋‍♀️ It would be lovely to have some more people posting.
Take care all
nan 

MrsCD

Glad you're getting there, @mothernerd and the funeral went off OK. 
Sorry that some of us are having health issues and I hope that we all remember to look after ourselves. 
I didn't like the nasty comments, but I tried to stick around to help keep the thread going. It's sad that one or two have disappeared and I hope that someday soon they might feel able to come back among true friends.

pollyanna_26

MrsCD said:

Glad you're getting there, @mothernerd and the funeral went off OK. 
Sorry that some of us are having health issues and I hope that we all remember to look after ourselves. 
I didn't like the nasty comments, but I tried to stick around to help keep the thread going. It's sad that one or two have disappeared and I hope that someday soon they might feel able to come back among true friends.

I really appreciate you sticking around as you did. I was doing the odd post from time to time while thinking do I stay or do I go?

My second husband was a violent abusive bully. It took one good GP, the local police force and good neighbours who would make the emergency calls I was unable to when he;d wrecked the phone. Also a health visiter plus women's aid working under the rarar to get him gone for good.

Although there were children  in the house Social Services were totally useless one woman suggested perhaps having a lovely  meal ready when hubby returned home was the answer! " Hubby" would usually hurl any meal at the wall or to the floor giving him an excuse to slam out of the house for drink and as ploice tests later proved  access mind bending drugs.

When his 1st child dd2 was a couple of months old he climbed up to an upstairs window in the main bedroom one snowy night opened the window and announced he and she had magic powers and could fly as he held her tight.

Unknown to him I'd sensed his mood when he staggered home and made the call to our police station. Later I discovered my neighbour  hearing him shouting  had made the call too.I;ve always been so gratefult to that couple a couple of doors from me because they were life savers.

Numerous arrests , time in the custody cells . Three court cases first he needed to move at least 20 miles away and never come near us again. He moved away the one night kicked the front door open during the night and entered the house. Back to court with a sterner warning. Two more breaking the injunction with power of arrest and the final case a long prison term if he came near us again and thnkfully he never did'

I'd always loved I am Woman sung by Helen Reddy and would sing that in my head through all the ups and down. As I walked down the steps from the court after the final case No ones ever gonna keep me down again was in my head.

So I can recognise a bully a mile off also Trolls online and will post here.

The ability to block a poster on the forums is there for a reason. I don't do nasty so will block posters with that mindset and of coirse posters can block my posts if they find them boring or don't like me talking of the past.

It would just be nice to restore  some normal in these not so normal times.

pollyx

pollyanna_26

MN Glad all  went well after the initial problems.i should have remembered son senior train driver at Crewe usually very laidback but very annoyed at the chaos caused around Crewe, Manchester and many other areas over the long bank holiday engineering works. He sad it was poorly planned when so many were wanting or needing to travel.

I'll catch up on your post tomorrow.

Happy you're still in the land of the living Nan. Hopefully you're asleep now. i feel like the Yawning Man so will take myslf to bed and will catch up with you too tomorrow . Just looking at tomorrows  newspaper headines onTV and very glad I no longer drive..

Night all, sleep tight.

pollyx