The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

Hard_Up_Hester

Hi fencers
 I've been AWOL, no wifi, no phone signal. I've posted this from the bridge over the canal.
 I've carried on clearing stuff out, I've packed up my last few books ready to go to the charity shop I can't see to read them so no point in keeping them. I'm also getting did of my dvds as the tray on my laptop is broken so I can't watch them now.
Hopefully we will be moving on Monday to somewhere with wifi as I'm running out of stuff to do.

pollyanna_26

monnagran said:

Morning all.

Sorry I have not been around much lately.  Life is pretty hectic and opportunities to catch up on line are few and usually happen when I'm exhausted and fit only for the rubbish heap.

Today I am approaching the ROD in the flat I'm trying to clear.  I've not finished in the bedroom, but the filled bin liners are now completely blocking the area I've not cleared yet.  I thought that if I could clear the ROD I could pile up the bags destined for the charity/council tip in there and finish the bedroom.  The last wardrobes are waiting for me and as I've not had to clear shoes yet, I can guess what is in store.

On Saturday my family are descending on me for a picnic lunch, probably inside if today's weather is anything to go by.  My DGS has ordered sausage rolls, my DGD has murmured the dreaded words 'millionaire's shortbread' and my son doesn't mind what there is to eat as long as there is a lot of it.  My DIL, bless her, will be glad to eat anything that she hasn't had to cook.  So at some stage I will have to get busy in the kitchen.

On Sunday I intend to put my feet up and recoup my energy.  Roll on Sunday.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY 

I always get to where I'm going by walking away from where I've been.   (Winnie the Pooh)

Apologies for quoting longer posts agian. I have the memory of a very small gnat at the moment.

I'm aware some charity shops are overwhelmed at the moment and not accepting donations but have you tried phoning any within the area to see if they would collect monna? I've noticed a few here pickking up from outside houses and flats.

Does David have the means to have things destined for the tip collected and taken there? Would have to be fully licenced not one of the pick up and dump variety our local council are waging war against. I'm just thinking if the already sorted labelled and bagged donation and tip stuff was gone it would free up some physical space and also headspace.

Your " She knows y'know " brought back memories of Hylda Baker. She had a saying for every occasion.

My head has been very foggy so I still haven't worked out the vicars end of service Thought for the day! No doubt it will be clearer at some point.

Wishing you a lovely day with your son and the grandchildren. You've earned it . I love the way your not so little now lover of pink and glitter and J have put in their put in their food orders. Hope J is ok he'll be happy to see you. Just refuse any offers to clean the windows.I hope the weather is nice and sunny. Grey, damp and gloomy here today. At least it's watering the plants.

pollyx

pollyanna_26

Hard_Up_Hester said:

Hi fencers
 I've been AWOL, no wifi, no phone signal. I've posted this from the bridge over the canal.
 I've carried on clearing stuff out, I've packed up my last few books ready to go to the charity shop I can't see to read them so no point in keeping them. I'm also getting did of my dvds as the tray on my laptop is broken so I can't watch them now.
Hopefully we will be moving on Monday to somewhere with wifi as I'm running out of stuff to do.

I've always been quite taken with the idea of living on a boat and the freedom of the waterways. One friend in my late teens father built a very big boat on his drive, people would stand watching in awe muttering you'll never be able to get it off the driveway and onto the canal.

His son was equally eccentric. Every space under beds, in cupboards and wardrobes was full of motor bike parts and bits of classic cars'

Mum was a quiet little Yorkshire lady driven to the point of madness by every area of their very large home being full of stuff.

When the boat was finished it was very wide and high. It had to be taken over the high front walls with cranes then taken to the nearest section of the  Leeds Liverpool canal  for it's trial run. Myself and two of my friends were banned from the maiden voyage by our mums so had to wait a very long time for their return.

They did return finally and a few months later we were on the maiden voyage down the Leeds Liverpool to Lymm in Cheshire.     it was an amazing day. We were sitting on the roof soaking up the sun chatting and waving to passers by.

I fell in live with the living on canals and rivers life then.

It was only when I started following your blog and reading your posts on MSE I began to see all wasn't plain sailing.

I remember you solving lack of space problems with some good ideas but it's only recently I've realised the problems when you have to move on for a while. Missing the grandchildren, having to find shops etc.

There are periods of isolation and struggling. It must be so hard since Steve's stroke.

I'm so sorry your eyes are so much worse now. My mum suffered with deafness and that can also be isolating but she could always read with her glasses.

I've relied a lot on cds and dvds and old repeats of classic serials I know off by heart on TV during the pandemic.

I often forget where I put my reading glasses and then it's panic time until I locate them.

I can only send love and light to you both and your four legged companion who does seem to have brought joy into your lives.

The boat I mentioned travelled for many years on different waterways. Son had restored an Austin Healey Sprite to wonderful condition along with many classic bikes.

He decided not to go to Uni but aquired a rundown large cottage with lots of land nearby and started his own business. He did very well but if we visited he was always in one of his holey moth eaten jumpers often with strands of wool dangling where he'd caught them on nails and filthy needlecord trousers.

On going out days he would dress smartly with a cravet at his neck and a scarf . Some days he'd be Rupert the Bear others Toad of Toad Hall. All the cars had a parp , parp horn which he'd sound merrily as he drove.

He did marry but the poor girl took off after a year. He didn't accept tidiness or housework as any part of their lives and she couln't cope. His mum had been a very clean tidy yorkshire woman always polishing and doing the oily laundry if he and dad would part with any.

Still he and dad were happy and I remember those days fondly and with much laughter.

pollyx

pollyanna_26

mothernerd I was aware Beloved had mental health issues but wasn't aware DS3 has them too. If I have hurt or offended you in posts I'm truly sorry you have enough judgement and unkind comments coming from your mother.

I don't think I did say anything hurtful blaming you. I was just confused why the pizza boxes, cans, bottles etc kept piling up and your son didn't put them into recycling or rubbish bins on a regular basis.

Your son earns his living designing games. I may be on the wrong track here but is he on The Spectrum? Youngest was wrongly diagnosed with Aspergers because she watched David Attenborough videos. Read lots of books  taught herself to use her desktop and could fix computers . I've met many youngsters who cope because of the www and the more comfortable world it opens up often with a chance to earn in a way they can control.

Youngest was as messy as her 2 older sisters had been in her teens but grew out of that. Son was never in long enough to make a mess. In ,get changed, eat then off to football.

She likes clean, tidy and knowing where everything is since growing up. I remember a hospital appt with one of her consultants The hospital was being painted indoors so large sections were out of bounds. We ended up in a store room packed with various things with Consultant, Rhuemo Nurse and ourselves jammed in like sardines. I could see dds hands start to twitch and her legs start shaking. That was probably the shortest appt ever. I could see dd was about to have a panic attack because the tiny room and lots of stuff was overwhelming.

I always have everything written down so I talked very fast and got her outside to sit on a bench.

The thing that worries me is you are under far to much pressure both physically and mentally. Mums rules make life harder. Physically you're pushing beyond your limits.

I know Beloved's family are good at encouraging her to buy gadgets but are they in any way supportive to her physically  or mentally. A while back you said she loves to cook so I struggle to understand the pizza boxes and takeaways.

I hope you get some peace with your fairy lights and manage some restorative sleep.

pollyx

pollyanna_26

Hester I don't know much about tech but am wondering if the tray on your laptop could be replaced.Someone here may know or an online search may help. It woud depend on the location if you find someone with you being on the boat.

My current laptop was recommended by a number of posters in another and it part of the forums. I looked at it online so did dd3 and her techie boyfriend and we all thought it was perfect.

I'd had "Staged" and Good Omens" on DVD delivered then I realise there wasn't a tray. That's not something I've come across with previous laptops.

It seems a shame you wont be able to watch DVDs now .

pollyx

maddiemay

Pollyanna and Hester  

Hello, not a usual poster here, but having just seen the comments regarding DVDs, one can buy what is called an external dvd/cd writer/player, I recently bought a slightly smaller laptop without a tray, but got one of those from my local PC business (who sort everything out for me) for £32.95, someone in family might be able to source one for you Hester on the internet at a better price.

Take care all. 
MM

mothernerd

pollyanna_26 said:

mothernerd I was aware Beloved had mental health issues but wasn't aware DS3 has them too. If I have hurt or offended you in posts I'm truly sorry you have enough judgement and unkind comments coming from your mother.

I don't think I did say anything hurtful blaming you. I was just confused why the pizza boxes, cans, bottles etc kept piling up and your son didn't put them into recycling or rubbish bins on a regular basis.

Your son earns his living designing games. I may be on the wrong track here but is he on The Spectrum? Youngest was wrongly diagnosed with Aspergers because she watched David Attenborough videos. Read lots of books  taught herself to use her desktop and could fix computers . I've met many youngsters who cope because of the www and the more comfortable world it opens up often with a chance to earn in a way they can control.

Youngest was as messy as her 2 older sisters had been in her teens but grew out of that. Son was never in long enough to make a mess. In ,get changed, eat then off to football.

She likes clean, tidy and knowing where everything is since growing up. I remember a hospital appt with one of her consultants The hospital was being painted indoors so large sections were out of bounds. We ended up in a store room packed with various things with Consultant, Rhuemo Nurse and ourselves jammed in like sardines. I could see dds hands start to twitch and her legs start shaking. That was probably the shortest appt ever. I could see dd was about to have a panic attack because the tiny room and lots of stuff was overwhelming.

I always have everything written down so I talked very fast and got her outside to sit on a bench.

The thing that worries me is you are under far to much pressure both physically and mentally. Mums rules make life harder. Physically you're pushing beyond your limits.

I know Beloved's family are good at encouraging her to buy gadgets but are they in any way supportive to her physically  or mentally. A while back you said she loves to cook so I struggle to understand the pizza boxes and takeaways.

I hope you get some peace with your fairy lights and manage some restorative sleep.

pollyx

You haven't offended me. I do get very defensive about the whole situation. DS3 and I were involved in a RTA when he was 6 months old. I haven't been more specific in the past because of being cautious of revealing who I am in RL. A police car smashed his pram to pieces on a pelican crossing. The lights were in our favour and I'd taken 2 steps out into the road before I noticed the speeding vehicle (bypass was newly built and I assumed it was drunken boy racers who enjoyed doing circuits up the main shopping area and back down the bypass). I tried to save him and then saw him 'die' before my eyes - the pram body flew through the air about 25 yards down the road before landing, the wheels were mangled and crushed. The Silver Cross pram body saved his life. He 'bounced' out of the pram when it landed, started to cry and I ran to him.  His only injury was a tiny bruise behind his ear.

I had PTSD for 2 years. The accident investigator suggested that I could have done things differently (ran backwards to the pavement pulling the pram?  Survivor guilt (a friend's wife was killed in an RTA a month later, they also had 3 boys although their's were all teenagers), should I have sacrificed my baby as I had a duty to my other two sons to stay alive - there are countless ways to second guess yourself and I've done them all, countless times. Froze whenever a police car or van came anywhere near and absolutely could not cross in front of them.

About a month after the accident I saw the 'wrong' doctor, who told me no-one could help me and I must pull myself together. I had 3 small boys and house to look after, a husband who had been working 300 miles away and had been putting 1000 pounds a month in to slot machines and I was also attending college (business course one day a week and a typing/ computing course 3 half days to fit around school hours).

OH got a new contract at the beginning of December. Due to a mix up we didn't get paid on the new contract. We were paying DH's travel, lodgings, living expenses (and he was still putting money in slot machines) and our household expenses from our personal bank account (overdraft) which by New Year was approaching the point where we had to close the business The college routine was a lifesaver but I was a zombie most of the time. My periods stopped, I was worrying about being behind with my college work. I went shopping, bought a pizza base, a toast loaf and a 50p bag of squashed tomatoes and set out to make a feast. DS3 would not stop crying (teething), I was beyond exhausted. Oh did not get home until after midnight and left again just after lunch on New Year's Day. I did tell him he owed me a nervous breakdown when I could find time to fit one in. Victim support helped, college counsellor helped, negative pregnancy test helped. At the 6 month point I went back, saw my doctor and was prescribed non-addictive sleeping pills and started to see someone at the MH centre (that was once a month which helped after a while because over the course of a month I could notice tiny improvements).

Anyway, after that massive diversion. DS3 had poor social skills, which I felt guilty about - how often had he turned to me and just seen a blank face. I was not really in a position to socialise and organise play dates (although I did go to an NCT group for a while. I think the composition of the school had changed too - there were plenty of people who would accept an invitation to come to our house with DS3 but he would not get invited to their's (and the head-teacher was eventually 'let go' because of downgrading incidents and under-representing bullying) .

The tactics which worked with DS1 and DS2 did not work with DS3. Given a set amount of time to sort his room (part of the room) before mummy came in with the big black bin bag, he would do nothing (just tell people later that 'mummy had sent all his toys to Oxfam'). The clock would be set 5 minutes fast because he would frequently fall into a reverie whilst dressing and still arrive at the front door without shoes and no knowledge of where they might be (5 minutes gave us time for search and find, put on shoes and dash to school).

At one point one of his teachers said there was something wrong with him and I went on a series of testing - sight, hearing, development, co-ordination. He never fit and was frequently bullied and his older brothers did nothing to help him (DS2 has never forgiven me for stopping him killing DS3  when they were 3 and 6 yo respectively). DS3 was obsessed with Pokemon and Pikachu (his teacher - a different one - and I tried banning the 'P' words at one point). Every essay subject was twisted to include P and others as the main characters. 

The bullying got worse at secondary school - at one point I had to collect him everyday and walk/ take the bus home as lots of incidents were happening outside school. When he finally cracked and hit back the teacher we had been seeing phoned me most apologetically to say he had to be suspended in accordance with school policy but then added that she was cheering inside. When he visited his dad, he came home in tears because his dad was only interested in DS1 and DS2 (who were not visiting him at that point). We also had a furious row when he phoned up to complain about DS3 being overweight and no-one but him was bothered. I Mum and I spent hours trying to build DS3's confidence (she was the one telling him to hit back) only to have it destroyed in a weekend visit to his father.

By the time he left school DS3 had his own little set of 'misfits' with similar interests - they filmed live action replays of their favourite games, at one point they pestered him into buying a guitar and joining their band. DS3 spent a lot of time with my brother in the last few weeks of his life - they were talking about taking a trip to Japan. When my brother died we bought and moved to the 'big house' - 4 bedrooms including a whole attic 'party room'. DS3's friend moved in shortly afterwards and later we took in two homeless kids (known to both DS1 and DS3 - the girl who was letting them sleep on her floor decided to move her boyfriend in and then said they had to go in the next two days, DS1 had suggested I might take them in). DS2 was at uni but coming home at weekends. DS1 moved back in a couple of times and slept over when he helped out at a local wedding venue.

DS3 and his friend went to Manchester every Saturday to cosplay events and would bring home various waifs and strays. I could have up to 11 people under my roof at weekends (including 2 heavily pregnant women one weekend). DS3 grew both up and outwards. He loved the dancing machines and spent hours on them because the loser plays for the next game and no-one ever believed someone his size could move so fast. DS3 messed up his GCSEs and did a variety of BTEC courses before doing a university Business course. He drew fanatically, was using a sketch pad a week from high school days. His practise meant he developed from flat one dimensional figures to rich fully realised (fantasy) characters and began to sell his designs as t-shirts and badges online and at conferences.

He met his Beloved before they were both 20, but she had a bf and he was just a 'friend'. He gradually made her realise how the bf mistreated her and belittled her, the next one was the same and eventually they were together (he had a couple of relationships but they worried me a bit - a lot of adoration on his side and ambiguity on theirs). He taught himself to code and design little computer games (sold through online platforms) and has gone from earning a few hundred pounds during his uni years to having to pay tax (actual tax, not just N.I.) this year. All in the face of fierce criticism from his brothers who repeatedly ask when he's 'going to grow up and get a proper job' (and stop 'living off mum').

He works his every waking hour (weird hours because at first he was beta testing his games with friends from around the globe) - even when he's playing someone else's games it counts as research and he shares ideas and knowledge with other game makers. But still he doubts - he frets when he's struggling, frets if a particular game is causing problems,worries when he's blocked and can't draw or can't reproduce on screen what is in his head, so he also lives with depression (but is resisting pills atm, I think).

Beloved's parents are not supportive. Her father has frequent job changes, her mother won't work for less than 60k. They're not wildly impressed with DS3, nor he with them. In addition they have done temporary fostering for many years with Beloved being frequently roped in for support when father gets a bit flaky. They were quite happy when she was between jobs (mostly low paid fast food places) as they were effectively using her as a f-t housekeeper and childminder (there are large age gaps between their daughters). The mother wanted to adopt their last foster child (strong opposition from social services who thought he needed professional support). Eventually the mother got her way. 

He frequently went in Beloved's room and she was not allowed to put a lock on it. She was saving money and asked to put it in her parents safe. The safe was left open, the child got it and burned it, he wasn't punished, she wasn't compensated. I hate to demonise a child who I know has severe problems but he knows enough to know what will hurt the most. On the day Beloved was coming to live with us (and so would be beyond his reach) he pulled her pets from their cage, pulled out handfuls of fur and one died of shock. All three daughters are now on anti-depressants. I'm half selfish enough to be glad we are back in my small original house because they'd all be with us if we had room. At the age of 7 now he's graduated to breaking into neighbour's houses and smashing all the panes in someone's greenhouse.

Beloved does like cooking but the kitchen is too much of a mess to cook in. DS3's pizza habit was started by my brother during those last few weeks of his life. DS3 has never smoked or drunk (decided it wasn't for him, having seen what it did for my brother and minimal contact with my father), he always paid me my share first, so I can't really object to what he does with his own money. I did teach him to cook but he didn't like dealing with raw chicken so I had to cut it up or buy it ready cut up. When we were filling the pre-op questionnaire for my hip replacement, he offered to buy me pizza too. He was terrified that he wouldn't be able to look after me and his brothers would kill him after I'd died. I said we both knew he wasn't fit to look after a hamster but we would cope and we did.

So yes DS3 is lazy, can't see what is in front of him, frequently goes into a trance, is insecure and not sure about the future. Beloved has had a series of low paid, zero hours jobs where she was frequently bullied (and if you complain you just get the 4 hours a week no-one else wants) and is now afraid to leave the house without DS3 beside her side.

For me the house mess is a double edged sword. I don't like like the mess, I'm not physically able to deal with most of it and sometimes I quail and just go my room (which is fairly civilised compared to the rest of the house). On the other hand, I know how hard it is sometimes just to make yourself get out of bed and do something and on days when I'm at my worst, when I have to hold onto furniture and door frames just to get to the bathroom and back, no-one is going to get on my case, complain about the mess or insist I deal with it and they will both fill 2 l bottles with water for me when I can't cope with the stairs (and bring snacks or buy me takeaway).

Sorry for hijacking the thread fencers. I know I am defensive - still bristle when I think of someone (think it was on the flylady thread) who asked why DS3 couldn't make his own bed, her 7 yo could .... Well DS3 won't. He'll happily sleep on a bare mattress, use a duvet and pillows without covers (or anything else vaguely suitable which is to hand). He think it feels nicer. I used to wash or put them outside as often as possible. He's very good at changing lightbulbs, putting on duvet covers for me (tall, long arms), an excellent mattress wrangler. Feel free to decide I've failed as a mother, I think we all do the best we can under challenging circumstances. My neighbours kept clean tidy homes but their children were always in mine.

I'm having a lovely day. I fancied bacon butties and there was just enough bacon, I've had a wash (showered last night) but am keeping warm under my covers (will turn off the laptop and moisturise in a bit). want to move things along outside but quite happy to pop out for a few minutes and come back in when it rains.

Nargleblast

Well, mothernerd, with all that going on in the background I don't reckon you do too badly after all. Just make sure you pace yourself and put your own health and well-being first. If you don't look after yourself first you'll be neither use nor ornament to anyone else.

pollyanna_26

maddiemay said:

Pollyanna and Hester  

Hello, not a usual poster here, but having just seen the comments regarding DVDs, one can buy what is called an external dvd/cd writer/player, I recently bought a slightly smaller laptop without a tray, but got one of those from my local PC business (who sort everything out for me) for £32.95, someone in family might be able to source one for you Hester on the internet at a better price.

Take care all. 
MM

Thank you maddie it's lovely to see you here. I shall look for one of those external players and I hope your post will help Hester too, No she is unable to read she will at least be able to watch her dvds.

I was sorry to read you lost your mum. It sounded as though she was very loved and well cared for right until the end. None of us can hope for more than that loved until the end and finally free from pain. Thinking of you and the family. Remember the good times.

love pollyx

pollyanna_26

mothernerd said:

pollyanna_26 said:

mothernerd I was aware Beloved had mental health issues but wasn't aware DS3 has them too. If I have hurt or offended you in posts I'm truly sorry you have enough judgement and unkind comments coming from your mother.

I don't think I did say anything hurtful blaming you. I was just confused why the pizza boxes, cans, bottles etc kept piling up and your son didn't put them into recycling or rubbish bins on a regular basis.

Your son earns his living designing games. I may be on the wrong track here but is he on The Spectrum? Youngest was wrongly diagnosed with Aspergers because she watched David Attenborough videos. Read lots of books  taught herself to use her desktop and could fix computers . I've met many youngsters who cope because of the www and the more comfortable world it opens up often with a chance to earn in a way they can control.

Youngest was as messy as her 2 older sisters had been in her teens but grew out of that. Son was never in long enough to make a mess. In ,get changed, eat then off to football.

She likes clean, tidy and knowing where everything is since growing up. I remember a hospital appt with one of her consultants The hospital was being painted indoors so large sections were out of bounds. We ended up in a store room packed with various things with Consultant, Rhuemo Nurse and ourselves jammed in like sardines. I could see dds hands start to twitch and her legs start shaking. That was probably the shortest appt ever. I could see dd was about to have a panic attack because the tiny room and lots of stuff was overwhelming.

I always have everything written down so I talked very fast and got her outside to sit on a bench.

The thing that worries me is you are under far to much pressure both physically and mentally. Mums rules make life harder. Physically you're pushing beyond your limits.

I know Beloved's family are good at encouraging her to buy gadgets but are they in any way supportive to her physically  or mentally. A while back you said she loves to cook so I struggle to understand the pizza boxes and takeaways.

I hope you get some peace with your fairy lights and manage some restorative sleep.

pollyx

You haven't offended me. I do get very defensive about the whole situation. DS3 and I were involved in a RTA when he was 6 months old. I haven't been more specific in the past because of being cautious of revealing who I am in RL. A police car smashed his pram to pieces on a pelican crossing. The lights were in our favour and I'd taken 2 steps out into the road before I noticed the speeding vehicle (bypass was newly built and I assumed it was drunken boy racers who enjoyed doing circuits up the main shopping area and back down the bypass). I tried to save him and then saw him 'die' before my eyes - the pram body flew through the air about 25 yards down the road before landing, the wheels were mangled and crushed. The Silver Cross pram body saved his life. He 'bounced' out of the pram when it landed, started to cry and I ran to him.  His only injury was a tiny bruise behind his ear.

I had PTSD for 2 years. The accident investigator suggested that I could have done things differently (ran backwards to the pavement pulling the pram?  Survivor guilt (a friend's wife was killed in an RTA a month later, they also had 3 boys although their's were all teenagers), should I have sacrificed my baby as I had a duty to my other two sons to stay alive - there are countless ways to second guess yourself and I've done them all, countless times. Froze whenever a police car or van came anywhere near and absolutely could not cross in front of them.

About a month after the accident I saw the 'wrong' doctor, who told me no-one could help me and I must pull myself together. I had 3 small boys and house to look after, a husband who had been working 300 miles away and had been putting 1000 pounds a month in to slot machines and I was also attending college (business course one day a week and a typing/ computing course 3 half days to fit around school hours).

OH got a new contract at the beginning of December. Due to a mix up we didn't get paid on the new contract. We were paying DH's travel, lodgings, living expenses (and he was still putting money in slot machines) and our household expenses from our personal bank account (overdraft) which by New Year was approaching the point where we had to close the business The college routine was a lifesaver but I was a zombie most of the time. My periods stopped, I was worrying about being behind with my college work. I went shopping, bought a pizza base, a toast loaf and a 50p bag of squashed tomatoes and set out to make a feast. DS3 would not stop crying (teething), I was beyond exhausted. Oh did not get home until after midnight and left again just after lunch on New Year's Day. I did tell him he owed me a nervous breakdown when I could find time to fit one in. Victim support helped, college counsellor helped, negative pregnancy test helped. At the 6 month point I went back, saw my doctor and was prescribed non-addictive sleeping pills and started to see someone at the MH centre (that was once a month which helped after a while because over the course of a month I could notice tiny improvements).

Anyway, after that massive diversion. DS3 had poor social skills, which I felt guilty about - how often had he turned to me and just seen a blank face. I was not really in a position to socialise and organise play dates (although I did go to an NCT group for a while. I think the composition of the school had changed too - there were plenty of people who would accept an invitation to come to our house with DS3 but he would not get invited to their's (and the head-teacher was eventually 'let go' because of downgrading incidents and under-representing bullying) .

The tactics which worked with DS1 and DS2 did not work with DS3. Given a set amount of time to sort his room (part of the room) before mummy came in with the big black bin bag, he would do nothing (just tell people later that 'mummy had sent all his toys to Oxfam'). The clock would be set 5 minutes fast because he would frequently fall into a reverie whilst dressing and still arrive at the front door without shoes and no knowledge of where they might be (5 minutes gave us time for search and find, put on shoes and dash to school).

At one point one of his teachers said there was something wrong with him and I went on a series of testing - sight, hearing, development, co-ordination. He never fit and was frequently bullied and his older brothers did nothing to help him (DS2 has never forgiven me for stopping him killing DS3  when they were 3 and 6 yo respectively). DS3 was obsessed with Pokemon and Pikachu (his teacher - a different one - and I tried banning the 'P' words at one point). Every essay subject was twisted to include P and others as the main characters. 

The bullying got worse at secondary school - at one point I had to collect him everyday and walk/ take the bus home as lots of incidents were happening outside school. When he finally cracked and hit back the teacher we had been seeing phoned me most apologetically to say he had to be suspended in accordance with school policy but then added that she was cheering inside. When he visited his dad, he came home in tears because his dad was only interested in DS1 and DS2 (who were not visiting him at that point). We also had a furious row when he phoned up to complain about DS3 being overweight and no-one but him was bothered. I Mum and I spent hours trying to build DS3's confidence (she was the one telling him to hit back) only to have it destroyed in a weekend visit to his father.

By the time he left school DS3 had his own little set of 'misfits' with similar interests - they filmed live action replays of their favourite games, at one point they pestered him into buying a guitar and joining their band. DS3 spent a lot of time with my brother in the last few weeks of his life - they were talking about taking a trip to Japan. When my brother died we bought and moved to the 'big house' - 4 bedrooms including a whole attic 'party room'. DS3's friend moved in shortly afterwards and later we took in two homeless kids (known to both DS1 and DS3 - the girl who was letting them sleep on her floor decided to move her boyfriend in and then said they had to go in the next two days, DS1 had suggested I might take them in). DS2 was at uni but coming home at weekends. DS1 moved back in a couple of times and slept over when he helped out at a local wedding venue.

DS3 and his friend went to Manchester every Saturday to cosplay events and would bring home various waifs and strays. I could have up to 11 people under my roof at weekends (including 2 heavily pregnant women one weekend). DS3 grew both up and outwards. He loved the dancing machines and spent hours on them because the loser plays for the next game and no-one ever believed someone his size could move so fast. DS3 messed up his GCSEs and did a variety of BTEC courses before doing a university Business course. He drew fanatically, was using a sketch pad a week from high school days. His practise meant he developed from flat one dimensional figures to rich fully realised (fantasy) characters and began to sell his designs as t-shirts and badges online and at conferences.

He met his Beloved before they were both 20, but she had a bf and he was just a 'friend'. He gradually made her realise how the bf mistreated her and belittled her, the next one was the same and eventually they were together (he had a couple of relationships but they worried me a bit - a lot of adoration on his side and ambiguity on theirs). He taught himself to code and design little computer games (sold through online platforms) and has gone from earning a few hundred pounds during his uni years to having to pay tax (actual tax, not just N.I.) this year. All in the face of fierce criticism from his brothers who repeatedly ask when he's 'going to grow up and get a proper job' (and stop 'living off mum').

He works his every waking hour (weird hours because at first he was beta testing his games with friends from around the globe) - even when he's playing someone else's games it counts as research and he shares ideas and knowledge with other game makers. But still he doubts - he frets when he's struggling, frets if a particular game is causing problems,worries when he's blocked and can't draw or can't reproduce on screen what is in his head, so he also lives with depression (but is resisting pills atm, I think).

Beloved's parents are not supportive. Her father has frequent job changes, her mother won't work for less than 60k. They're not wildly impressed with DS3, nor he with them. In addition they have done temporary fostering for many years with Beloved being frequently roped in for support when father gets a bit flaky. They were quite happy when she was between jobs (mostly low paid fast food places) as they were effectively using her as a f-t housekeeper and childminder (there are large age gaps between their daughters). The mother wanted to adopt their last foster child (strong opposition from social services who thought he needed professional support). Eventually the mother got her way. 

He frequently went in Beloved's room and she was not allowed to put a lock on it. She was saving money and asked to put it in her parents safe. The safe was left open, the child got it and burned it, he wasn't punished, she wasn't compensated. I hate to demonise a child who I know has severe problems but he knows enough to know what will hurt the most. On the day Beloved was coming to live with us (and so would be beyond his reach) he pulled her pets from their cage, pulled out handfuls of fur and one died of shock. All three daughters are now on anti-depressants. I'm half selfish enough to be glad we are back in my small original house because they'd all be with us if we had room. At the age of 7 now he's graduated to breaking into neighbour's houses and smashing all the panes in someone's greenhouse.

Beloved does like cooking but the kitchen is too much of a mess to cook in. DS3's pizza habit was started by my brother during those last few weeks of his life. DS3 has never smoked or drunk (decided it wasn't for him, having seen what it did for my brother and minimal contact with my father), he always paid me my share first, so I can't really object to what he does with his own money. I did teach him to cook but he didn't like dealing with raw chicken so I had to cut it up or buy it ready cut up. When we were filling the pre-op questionnaire for my hip replacement, he offered to buy me pizza too. He was terrified that he wouldn't be able to look after me and his brothers would kill him after I'd died. I said we both knew he wasn't fit to look after a hamster but we would cope and we did.

So yes DS3 is lazy, can't see what is in front of him, frequently goes into a trance, is insecure and not sure about the future. Beloved has had a series of low paid, zero hours jobs where she was frequently bullied (and if you complain you just get the 4 hours a week no-one else wants) and is now afraid to leave the house without DS3 beside her side.

For me the house mess is a double edged sword. I don't like like the mess, I'm not physically able to deal with most of it and sometimes I quail and just go my room (which is fairly civilised compared to the rest of the house). On the other hand, I know how hard it is sometimes just to make yourself get out of bed and do something and on days when I'm at my worst, when I have to hold onto furniture and door frames just to get to the bathroom and back, no-one is going to get on my case, complain about the mess or insist I deal with it and they will both fill 2 l bottles with water for me when I can't cope with the stairs (and bring snacks or buy me takeaway).

Sorry for hijacking the thread fencers. I know I am defensive - still bristle when I think of someone (think it was on the flylady thread) who asked why DS3 couldn't make his own bed, her 7 yo could .... Well DS3 won't. He'll happily sleep on a bare mattress, use a duvet and pillows without covers (or anything else vaguely suitable which is to hand). He think it feels nicer. I used to wash or put them outside as often as possible. He's very good at changing lightbulbs, putting on duvet covers for me (tall, long arms), an excellent mattress wrangler. Feel free to decide I've failed as a mother, I think we all do the best we can under challenging circumstances. My neighbours kept clean tidy homes but their children were always in mine.

I'm having a lovely day. I fancied bacon butties and there was just enough bacon, I've had a wash (showered last night) but am keeping warm under my covers (will turn off the laptop and moisturise in a bit). want to move things along outside but quite happy to pop out for a few minutes and come back in when it rains.

2nd attempt. Lost one part post when Laptop decided to go blank then diagnose my computor then repair. I wish I understood these things but I don't. I remember you mentioning the police car , baby and pram in the past  but not the extent of the damage for you and your baby.

Both DS3 and Beloved have been through the mill. Her family sounds horrific and it beggers belief they were allowed to foster. The child that burned Beloveds money had their own difficulties but it appears wasn't in any way supported or guided by the family.I think your son and beloved are lucky to have found each other and have you in their lives to nudge, advise and then go in to sort things out.

Physically that doesn't do your health much good but mentally it probably  helps to tick one thing of the list. You weren't responsible for the crash but it's a very traumatic experience and all the couselling and advice can't take those memories away.

School bullies plus some bullying staff were why I started home educating youngest. We've been blessed with good GPs but a few hopeless consultants , a couple were bullies themselves but our lovely GPv found better ones.

I can now understand why you continue to push on against the tide despite your own poor health. It's not good but sometimes it is the only choice available.

Life would be easier if your mum wasn't so critical and demanding and setting rules such as you can't put shopping bags in certain places or do this or that. Thinking you're buying expensive treats and hiding them is strange.

I can only think it's the lack of her what was once normal life that has caused her to behave that way. No shopping trips, coach trips , people in the house etc. That is all for her own safety freedom day or not but she wont see that and has too much thinking time to put her own spin on the present situation.

I didn't expect your long post explaining things but I hope it has helped you to share with friends on this thread.

Once the tougher threads could turn a bit nasty and be closed .Another would appear. Now there are people here who don't judge posters but listen . Poor Health thread is the same and both threads are safe places. I've done plenty of posting on the ups and downs of life over the years and you're very welcome here on good or bad days.

pollyx