Separation Telling the children Yes / no

warby68

Unfair on mum too. She will have to work much harder than you to maintain such pretence as the family unit will be with her pretty much 24/7. As she is struggling more than you with your leaving this will make it even harder for her, dreading and fielding the awkward questions far more than you. Its expecting her to live a lie really which is very hard when really, it serves only you.

You probably don't intend it like this as your premise was that children are easy to fool but as everyone says, a 5 year old will pick up plenty and if its in spite in the playground he will have no defence. I have 2 sons, older now, but they always handled knowledge better than uncertainty.

gingercordial

You don't often see unanimous MSE threads but this is one of them.

Tell him straight away for all the excellent reasons above.

chesky

You're obviously hoping that your son is at some point going to ask his mum the question 'why doesn't daddy .........' (Whatever) and she, poor woman, is going to have to tell him on her own.

You're a coward.

Red-Squirrel_2

justme111 wrote: »

"Marriage run its course" while you have a 2 yo child?

I was a bit surprised at that too.

With the OP admitting that his wife is hurting more than him and that he is the one deciding to break up the marriage, I wonder if its actually as 'amicable' as he thinks it is.

Not many women are completely fine about becoming a single parent of tiny children when its only a few short years since they were in love enough to create those children.

Keeping up a pretence and trying to carry on with the children as if nothing has changed will be incredibly difficult for your wife.

KateySW

Tell him.

I know you reference your own experience but on the flip side, my parents didn't tell me initially when they separated. I now look back on the memories I have from that period of time, memories that seemed wonderful, and know that they were false and my "happy family" actually wasn't. That never ever leaves you and it makes you question whether you were ever all happy together after all.

In any case, even if the reflection when he is older doesn't persuade you that it's cruel not to tell him, I think you're insulting his intelligence for believing he won't notice anything. Tell him, reassure him, be there for him as much as you can and tell him everyday that he is still loved. That's the kindest way to do this for all involved.

TBagpuss

Tell him now, and tell him together.

Tell him, explicitly, that it is not his fault and that you and his mum both love him and that he will continue to see both of you.

What you are proposing to do is to lie to him and deceive him, and expect your wife to cover for you in doing that. That is not fair to him or her. It's also totally impractical. None of you live in a bubble, you and your wife have friends and family, you can't seriously imagine that no-one will ever talk about or mention the separation? You and your wife should also let your son's school know, so that they know the background if your son is upset or his behaviour changes.

Also, children notice stuff and they imagine things. And what they imagine is often worse than the truth. It's incredibly common for children to think that they are to blame when their parents spilt up, and this can be particularly true for younger children, which is why it's important that he hears from you and your wife that he hasn't done anything wrong and that you both still love him and ill be seeing him.

Even if you were expecting your separation to be temporary, it would be appropriate to tell him something.

tobeloy

chesky wrote: »

You're obviously hoping that your son is at some point going to ask his mum the question 'why doesn't daddy .........' (Whatever) and she, poor woman, is going to have to tell him on her own.

You're a coward.

Not a coward, trying to protect my son from what i felt

tobeloy

Can I just thank everyone for the input on this, I wanted honest feedback and I have it.

'Marriage has run its course' maybe the wrong choice of words but we have drifted apart and counselling has not helped. We both love our children dearly, we are amicable and who knows if it will last. yes my ex is hurting but I would rather she hurt and know the truth than me lie to her about what was becoming inevitable.

I don't confess to being a great parent but I am still learning and will now make time to sit and talk to our son together with mum.

Appreciate everyone's input I really do...

Zeni

Please tell him. For so many reasons people have brought up on here.. What if he finds out from someone else? How is your wife meant to keep up that pretence every day when they ask 'where's daddy?' is she meant to lie to them everyday? (which if shes already hurting is really unfair on her) What if you or her meet a new partner are you going to hide it or lie?

I can totally understand why you feel the way you do with your own experiences but you would be lying to your son to protect him and just delaying it. He will have to find out eventually and while I understand it will be really hard and it may make you feel some guilt for the situation (as you say it was you who initiated it and now have put your son in a similar situation that you were once in.. this is not a judgement just speculation why this must be hard for you to make this decision) you need to be honest and tell him. How would you deal with it if he foiund out a year down the line and then found out that you had lied to him for so long, that could damage their relationship with you guys. Children are so much smarter than people give them credit for.. Primary school teacher speaking here.. wouldn't beleive what children say in school that I bet there parents have no idea they notice.

Loz01

Tell them (or the oldest), sit him down and tell him Mummy and Daddy will be living in two houses now, that you both still love him very much and that Mummy and Daddy are still best friends (however much of a fat lie this is)
He will feel reassured, trust me.