Separation Telling the children Yes / no

tobeloy

Hello

Come here for a bit of support and opinion please. Me and my wife have separated, I was the one who initiated this, there was no affair etc it was a marriage that had run its course and no matter what I have tried for a year to resolve this it has not worked. We have been to counselling etc but are now parting amicably.

It is hurting her more than me but we are amicable about it all. We have two children 2 and 5 yrs old, basically we are at an impasse with telling them, she wants to tell the oldest and I don't for now, we have various opinions from friends and family too but I have maintained all along its us that need to make the decision.

I am moving out soon and will be living 10 minutes away, the wife is staying in the house we bought together and we are both paying the mortgage, I am paying support and the agreement we have is that I am welcome around to put the kids to bed, take to or pick up from school, pop in to see them etc providing I call before to check its ok.

So its a good setup so far but my wife is adamant we should tell our 5 year old and I think we should not for now. He is a sensitive lad and he is very happy in school and at home and I do not see the benefit this would bring to him given that not very much is going to be different in his life at the moment.

I say this as my job is very variable and both children have grown up and are used to the setup with my job, some mornings they will get up and I won't be there and sometimes they won't see me for a day or so just because of the hours I work. Both children know I am at the end of the phone and they accept that, both children are used to this and when I move out the situation is still going to be the same given the setup.

The only difference is my clothes won't be in the house and some of my possessions but I seriously don't see our eldest noticing this, I will still be coming in to take him to school etc and this is what they are used to given my job and hours.

My ex wife on the other hand wants to tell him and I think it will just cause major problems, questions and worry for our son, affected school life and concentartion, affected home life and blame etc...

Its not that I don't want to tell him but I think now is not the time and if everything is going well and little is changing lets just see how it goes, if he asks then we will tell but if he goes a year or so with the new setup then its a case of casually talking about it as if there has been no major change when it does come out or if questions are asked.

I went through a divorce when I was 5 and all I done was worry about both parents, especially my dad, I have experience and from what I remember it was a unhappy time for me with access etc.

I love my kids, I want little disruption as possible for them and my ex wife just tells me we are lying to them, am I being selfish or sensible

-taff

Don't you think they'll realise something is wrong when you stop living with them?

tobeloy

Youngest is too young to notice and eldest as I have said my job takes me away from home quite a lot which is what he is used to anyway....

thorsoak

Tell the oldest the truth now - children sense differences immediately - let him know that it is a matter of fact, that you both still love him, and that you will be moving into a house nearby.

Mojisola

tobeloy wrote: »

my wife is adamant we should tell our 5 year old and I think we should not for now.

He is a sensitive lad and he is very happy in school and at home and I do not see the benefit this would bring to him given that not very much is going to be different in his life at the moment.

If you think your 5 year old won't realise there's something wrong at home, he's not a normal 5 year old. Little ones might not say anything (because they want things to stay as they were) but they can become very upset by home changing and the adults not telling them what's happening.

Also, don't underestimate the school gossip machine - do you want him to hear from a friend that his Daddy has left his Mummy and no longer lives at home?

elsien

Unless your 5 year old is completely oblivious, he will know that you're no longer sleeping at the house even if there are times when he's used to you not being around.
Keeping it from him for a year is wishful thinking.

PasturesNew

Most people would find it's best to tell them. They look to their parents for the truth and for guidance. From the truth comes a confidence and the ability to openly speak about their fears/worries.

This extends outside of your house and home. "Everybody" will know you've separated and it won't be long before somebody else just drops it into a conversation as the children are alongside your OH.... or other kids chant it "Your dad's left your mum" in a bullying situation. If a kid's being bullied then at least give them the confidence of knowledge to be able to respond to that ... instead of it reducing them to tears before running home and asking when you least expected it!

Red-Squirrel_2

The sooner you tell him, the sooner he can start adjusting to the new situation.

There will never be a 'good' time.

gonebust

Tell them

You can't imagine the pain I felt coming home from school aged 11 to find mother was no longer there

40 or so years on, the pain is still there

Grumpygit

You say that you went through it at 5 and all you did was worry with access etc.....but

did your parents have the same arrangement as you are proposing now?

What happens if your ex starts seeing someone else - how's that going to affect your arrangements? Whilst you may start seeing your children more to enable her to go out on a date - will she really want you hanging around "her" house caring for the children or will she expect that they should come and stay with you (for any period of time from 1 hour to overnight etc)

Tell them now - or at least the oldest, I am sure that he would rather know the truth so he can become the "man" of the house and also then he may understand if he finds his mum crying or feeling down - otherwise he start thinking its his fault as you're not around.

I can appreciate what you are saying but children are tougher than you think and can deal with truth more than lies and deceit.

Ok, slightly different ages but my daughter's dad (my ex) has split up from his second wife but hasn't seen fit to tell her - this happened in November last year, whilst this may not be a big problem on the surface, my daughter is now in therapy because of the step mother and the lack of support shown by her dad showed when she was there - had she known at the start of her journey, her feelings could be different and she may be in a better place now (she knows he has split up because we have told her and I only found out some 4 months after it happened).

It's better coming from both of you so that you can reinforce the feelings of love, commitment and support for him and his sibling and a mutual respect between you and your ex

theoretica

Will it be any better to tell him when he is 5 1/2? 6? Think he won't have noticed by the time he is 11? I would say better to tell him in a controlled way than let him wonder and think something is wrong and worry about not being told.

So another vote for telling him - but in a way appropriate to him.