Separation Telling the children Yes / no

rach_k

Tell him now. You'll have to do it at some point but if you don't do it now you will also have to explain why you lied, possibly for a long time. The truth may be hard but the truth plus a lie will be harder.

Kynthia

He's going to notice changes and won't know what they mean. His mum will be sad, people will be having conversations either whispering out of his earshot or he'll hear things that will confuse him without the full facts. You and your wife will start to change how you interact with each other and he's likely to pick that up. I'd worry that it will be more unsettling for him to notice something has changed but not know what it is and have been reassured that everyone loves him.

The arrangement you have now about popping in whenever you're free to do some caring and parenting is unlikely to last long term. I think when you no longer feel like a couple your wife will want her home to feel like it and you dropping by and making yourself comfortable will feel disruptive and intrusive. She'll also want to know in advance when you are taking the children out or to yours so that she can plan her free time. You may then start resenting paying the mortgage on somewhere you aren't living anymore. Try to be realistic about ending your marriage. Things will change and you can't keep everything almost as it is now, but hopefully it will go smoothly with the children put first.

Diary

tobeloy wrote: »

Youngest is too young to notice and eldest as I have said my job takes me away from home quite a lot which is what he is used to anyway....

You are painfully underestimating your children's intelligence and intuition.

peachyprice

You're setting your children up for feeling totally betrayed when you do finally tell them and they realises that you left a year before, particularly your eldest. That will be far more damaging to him than telling him the truth now.

I have a feeling this has more to do with you feeling uncomfortable with splitting your family up than saving your children's feelings.

Carrot007

elsien wrote: »

Unless your 5 year old is completely oblivious, he will know that you're no longer sleeping at the house even if there are times when he's used to you not being around.
Keeping it from him for a year is wishful thinking.

100% tell them.

Kids are not as dumb as they seem.

I remember my mother pretending to have a guy over on a night and him coming in the next day pretending he did not stay over.

Kid's really are not as dumb as you think.

I just let her get on with is if she thought she needed to! Would have prefered no !!!!!!!! though.

PeacefulWaters

Do I teach my kids to be deceitful or not?

Simple answer.

FBaby

Agree with the above. It sounds like the decision not to tell the truth is more for your benefit that it is for your son. All you are suggesting is delaying the inevitable, how is this going to make it better. It will have the opposite effect. The uncertainty in between will be the source of anxieties, trying to pick up on anything to try to gain what is really going on.

You seem to be undermining the awareness that 5yo have of their surroundings. Do you really think he won't notice and question things? If he is finishing reception class, he will have learned all about family dynamics this year, so will know very well what it means that you are only coming in the evenings and going as soon as he is in bed, and yes, he will know when you are going when he'll hear the door/car.

What will you say when it comes right out and ask you why you are leaving every evening.

I'm a very strong believer in always telling the kids the truth. Kids are magnificently more resilient than we think they are. They do cope well when they know what to expect and know that parents will always be there to protect them no matter what. I separated when my kids were 4 and 1 and I told BOTH of them right away. It's all about how you say things and the vibes you share. If you tell them whilst crying, avoiding their eyes, showing anxiety/guilt etc... they will pick up on this. If you tell them with confidence, explain that couple do separate sometimes but that parents never separate from their children and that wherever they live, they are always there to love and care for their children, they'll be fine.

Listen to your wife.

bagpussbear

Agree with all the answers so far, definitely tell him. Not doing so would break down trust with your son.

justme111

"Marriage run its course" while you have a 2 yo child? Sorry but those are world's used when parties developed in a different directions over decades. When people separate with so young children it is them not adapting to parenting or postnatal depression or making the wrong choice in the first place. You using these words coupled with not wanting your children to know you separated makes me think you are in denial about some of your shortcomings.

sheramber

A 5 year old is more aware than you realise. They notice the little things an adult may not.

Do you never eat with the family/

Does he never see you in the bedroom - at weekends , holidays etc?
Does he never see you in pyjamas?
He will notice there are none of your clothes in the washing. None of your things lying around the house- shoes, slippers, phone, ipad, computer.

He will notice you are not sitting have conversations with his mu, not sitting watching tv.

These are all things that adult see but dismiss as unimportant so don't register them.

5 year olds have not reached that stage and register every little thing.

Neighbours will discuss the situation in front of their children and they will mention it to your child.

Treat your children as the important little people they are and be honest with them.

It sound like the separation is your problem more than your child's.