The Nice People Thread, No.16: A Universe of Niceness.

LydiaJ

SingleSue wrote: »

You have to remember that this a man who sees himself as a proper father. No idea how he gets that idea but in his mind, spending 2 hours a year in their company (at most, youngest hasn't seen him for two years and although the other two saw him briefly last year, an hour or so each, it had been a two/three year gap) and sending Christmas and Birthday cards makes him a real dad.

I understand that he thinks that. You've explained that before. What I don't understand is why his illusions in that regard should determine how you or your boys behave.

I also believe that appeasing unreasonable people in family relationships is about as constructive as appeasement worked out for Neville Chamberlain. I say this as a recovering appeaser myself.

Pyxis

LydiaJ wrote: »

I understand that he thinks that. You've explained that before. What I don't understand is why his illusions in that regard should determine how you or your boys behave.

I also believe that appeasing unreasonable people in family relationships is about as constructive as appeasement worked out for Neville Chamberlain. I say this as a recovering appeaser myself.

I second that!

There's a mindset in society that if someone's a relative, especially a blood relative, that you have to put up with, or try to compromise on, all sorts of dross that you wouldn't tolerate from anyone else.

(I'm not talking minor or moderate irritations, I'm talking very longstanding, continual and/or major stuff).

SingleSue

Pyxis wrote: »

I'm sure there must be the technology to enable someone to write and sign something in their handwriting and for that to be used on the i-card thing? If that isn't an option, it should be!

That still wouldn't be acceptable to him.

SingleSue

LydiaJ wrote: »

I understand that he thinks that. You've explained that before. What I don't understand is why his illusions in that regard should determine how you or your boys behave.

I also believe that appeasing unreasonable people in family relationships is about as constructive as appeasement worked out for Neville Chamberlain. I say this as a recovering appeaser myself.

It is a left over thing, we would do things to stop his anger and I suppose we continued with that as it was the easier road.

I'm an appeaser attempting to be a recovering appeaser :rotfl:

Pyxis

SingleSue wrote: »

It is a left over thing, we would do things to stop his anger and I suppose we continued with that as it was the easier road.

I'm an appeaser attempting to be a recovering appeaser :rotfl:

Yes, this is the thing. With relatives, you get into the habit of compromise/ignoring stuff/pushing hurts aside, and so even when you're not with them, you carry on doing that.

There does come a time, though, when you can wake up and think, "Do you know what? I'm not doing this any more!" :A:):A

Now would be the perfect time!:)

LydiaJ

Sue, please consider reading this:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B003X272N0/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
If you would prefer to listen to it rather than read the hard copy, I can "give" you the audible version for free. My audible subscription allows me to give as many people as I like one free audio book each, as long as they haven't got any books from Audible already.

vivatifosi

Today is the first father's day since my dad died. We never used to buy much, but he did like a big bar of Dairy Milk or Fruit and Nut. He always had a glint in his eye, especially if he had an opportunity to stick it to the man (ideally of the tax variety). Missing him a lot today.

Jackmydad

Pyxis wrote: »

I second that!

There's a mindset in society that if someone's a relative, especially a blood relative, that you have to put up with, or try to compromise on, all sorts of dross that you wouldn't tolerate from anyone else.

(I'm not talking minor or moderate irritations, I'm talking very longstanding, continual and/or major stuff).

Been there, done that, got the badge and the Tee Shirt.
Enough to say that I have "entitled" family who I no longer have contact with.
Their choice. I'm not blameless, but not for the "entitled" reason on my part, I said too much.

Pyxis

vivatifosi wrote: »

Today is the first father's day since my dad died. We never used to buy much, but he did like a big bar of Dairy Milk or Fruit and Nut. He always had a glint in his eye, especially if he had an opportunity to stick it to the man (ideally of the tax variety). Missing him a lot today.

(((((((((((((((Vivatifosi))))))))))))))

vivatifosi

Thanks Pyxis.