Mixed messages from work colleague

FBaby

The problem is how much you let attractiveness dictate how you move forward. Many people will say that they didn't feel physical attractiveness with their partner when they first met them but that they grew to be so as they got to know them better. Others will say that if attractiveness is not there from the start, they are confident it will never happen.

It is clear that she likes you a lot and would want to be attracted to you, but she's not. That one evening, she thought that she would give a try moving to the next stage, hoping that her body will take over. It would seem that this didn't happen, so she's back to having doubts that the attraction would ever come.

There isn't much you can do about this. She is probably torn apart as to whether give it a go and see what happened and not going there because of the consequences. At least she was honest with you.

DonGotti

FBaby wrote: »

The problem is how much you let attractiveness dictate how you move forward. Many people will say that they didn't feel physical attractiveness with their partner when they first met them but that they grew to be so as they got to know them better. Others will say that if attractiveness is not there from the start, they are confident it will never happen.

It is clear that she likes you a lot and would want to be attracted to you, but she's not. That one evening, she thought that she would give a try moving to the next stage, hoping that her body will take over. It would seem that this didn't happen, so she's back to having doubts that the attraction would ever come.

There isn't much you can do about this. She is probably torn apart as to whether give it a go and see what happened and not going there because of the consequences. At least she was honest with you.

Thanks for your post. I think it's about getting my head about the "attractive" issue. When I first met her I didn't really notice her but in time I did start liking her and developed an attachment/attraction of sorts. As I said in my first post, I let her dictate how things went as I felt i was getting mixed messages. So what I am struggling to get my head around is if she wasn't attracted to me, why did she start talking about sleeping together etc and make the first move. I might be being slow here, but i dont get how that works. Once I was attracted to her, I was attracted to her - it wasnt a case of being attracted enough to hold hands or kiss and nothing further. Maybe others aren't as black and white as I see things?

BrassicWoman

Take anythng other than "hell yes" as a no.

Then you never have to worry about stalking, lack of consent, or being with someone who is not that into you.

"Mixed messages" worries me, suggests someone who will not take no for an answer I am afraid.

Ask for a date and see what happens; anything other than "hell yes" is no. Respect that no.

Geoff1963

If a girl says, "Don't. Stop" ; it is dangerous to assume there was no punctuation.

Ask yourself this.
If someone had come to you, and offered you the time you had together, but there would be no follow-up ; would you have taken the offer ? I'm guessing yes ; so don't be upset you only got 4 winning lottery numbers instead of 6.

To misquote the author Somerset Maugham :
"There are three rules for successful dating. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are."

FBaby

So what I am struggling to get my head around is if she wasn't attracted to me, why did she start talking about sleeping together etc and make the first move.

Because at that time, she was starting to get attracted to your personality and thought if she gives the physical side a chance, the physical attraction would follow. She then had a change of mind and decided that it was unlikely to become so and worried that if she 'tried' longer and gave you more hope, it wouldn't be fair on you.

Gingernutty

DonGotti wrote: »

Hello all,

Think i'm writing this as a form of catharsis but any advice would be appreciated.

A few months ago I became pretty close to a girl at work

Any thoughts?

Leave well alone. Find another job.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

When she kissed you, she didn't feel any chemistry. In this case, I suspect that she experienced/felt more when kissing her ex.

You can't know that in advance.

Maybe next time, you'll meet somebody where the chemistry works differently.(in your favour).


There's no mixed messages - she was interested, but she isn't anymore - and doesn't want to hurt your feelings anymore than she has to.

Robisere

She has problems, is obviously confused. Don't bother with any more contact outside work, treat her as just a work colleague. How she reacts will tell you what you need to know: my bet is that she will come on to you again.

Wants what she can't have, but has to have it taken away to want it again.

Avoid.

takman

DonGotti wrote: »

Weeks went on with her talking about these things and one evening I went to her flat for dinner and afterwards she made a pass on me and we kissed. We made out for a while but nothing further happened as her flatmate was around etc.

If she was physically attracted to you then you two would have had sex that night considering that you had both talked about it before. Unless she shares a bedroom with her flatmate then that shouldn't have stopped her.

It sounds like she does like you but is physically attracted to you so just accept that as a fact. If you start thinking she is sending you mixed messages or discussing her past relationships to prove what she is saying doesn't make sense then you will both get worked up about it.

DonGotti

Naturally I'm not going to force the issue and it's entirely her perogative if she doesn't want to pursue anything beyond friendship now. I don't have to see her everyday anymore due to team changes so that's something. I will be civil and talk (she invites me to go to lunch with her every few days) if she wants as she hasn't done anything wrong if she's changed her mind but I guess I just needed to understand why she didn't figure out her level of attractiveness to me earlier. I'll probably cut down on going to lunch etc as I think I have feelings beyond friendship for her and the emotional attachment/crush/whatever won't fade if I keep spending time with her.

I know some have kindly tried to offer explanations above but personally I wouldn't need to kiss someone to figure out if I'm attracted to them (though I acknowledge the need for sexual compatibility etc). Maybe that, attractiveness and chemistry are all one and the same thing. Anyway thanks everyone