Mixed messages from work colleague

DonGotti

Hello all,

Think i'm writing this as a form of catharsis but any advice would be appreciated.

A few months ago I became pretty close to a girl at work. We're very different personality wise and not really each other's types, but over a period of weeks we started speaking constantly both during and outside of work. I suppose i started developing feelings towards her, but felt I was getting mixed signals from her so left it to her to dictate the pace of things. Soon she started saying she was interested in sharing something physical, though both of us maintained a proper relationship wouldn't work because of our differences.

Weeks went on with her talking about these things and one evening I went to her flat for dinner and afterwards she made a pass on me and we kissed. We made out for a while but nothing further happened as her flatmate was around etc. I felt the evening was nice and we messaged each other later that night and things seemed ok. The next day I messaged to ask how she was and she seemed a little distant and said things didn't feel right and there wasn't chemistry.

We finally spoke about things the other day and she told me things didn't feel right

Because of feelings she still holds for her ex. She then went on to say that she didn’t feel “physically attracted enough to me that night to overcome what was stopping” her from relaxing and enjoying things. She went on to say she doesn’t want to sleep with anyone, though there was one occasion when we went out for a drink with me and she felt a strong urge to do so that night and should have done. Now I understand attractiveness is a personal and subjective thing and know everyone has different types and maybe I’m being naïve, but:

1) Why didn’t she figure out before whether she was physically attracted enough to me before she started talking about something happening and indeed kissing me; and

2) I know for a fact that she’s been with others since splitting from the ex she says she holds feelings for so why is she using that as a reason?

I appreciate these are questions I should be asking her and have done, but her answers just don’t make sense to me (e.g. she was a lot younger when she split with her ex and saw other people).

Any thoughts?

IAmWales

1) Attraction can change. You can be attracted to someone and as things progress realise the person is different to what they'd imagined, or that the physical contact was a turn off (nothing worse than a bad kisser), or simply that you'd rather look elsewhere.

2) You either accept the reason or you don't. Perhaps she was being diplomatic and doesn't want to hurt your feelings, perhaps she was being honest. After such a brief attachment it's not for you to question why, and certainly not to question why she has "been with others" whilst having feelings for her ex. Single women are allowed to do that without having to justify themselves.

Any thoughts? You're coming across a little stalkerish. She is a work colleague, put it behind you and move on.

bingo_bango

1) Maybe she doesn't want a physical relationship after you kissed, and the 'ex-boyfriend' speech is a way to let you down gently. The spark must not have been there, so why would she want to do it again?

2) See 1 above.

It happens. Don't attack her for it, just roll with what happens. You obviously want this to develop into more than just a platonic friend thing, while she doesn't. Accept that fact, and be grateful that you have found someone who shares your interests.

You can't change her mind, so don't stress about it. Just let her know that you still enjoy her company so no point in ruining that because you have a minor insecurity about why she has 'rejected' you. It's life. We all have similar experiences and you can't hold on to the 'what ifs'. Believe me, life is way too short for that kind of thinking.

And you aren't being naive. You are right to question what happened, but since you have no control over the outcome you also need to learn that you aren't going to be everyone's idea of a perfect 10.

But you will be someone's....just gotta wait for them to show up!

NBLondon

DonGotti wrote: »

, but felt I was getting mixed signals from her

Sounds like she's not sure herself - either about her ex or where she wants to go next - and so can't really tell you the truth.

So the questions to ask yourself are - do you want to be a friend until she does know? (Possibly not if you are that different personality wise). Do you just want a bit of mutual physical fun - if you catch each other at the right time? Will it cause problems at work if you go further and it doesn't go well?

Good Luck!

davidwood123

Women don't ''make a pass'' or kiss someone they're not attracted to.

It's probably something you've done.

Been a bit needy of insecure?

Either way, forget about it and move on. Chasing her will only push her further away

Ozzuk

Is she worth the hassle? What would happen if you guys got together then she changed her mind again - how would that feel having to see her in work everyday?

I think this is one of those times you need to man up, let her carry on figuring out what she wants in life and move on...

getmore4less

chances are she gets desperate for a S**G every now and then, looking for a FWB or FB she can turn to.

probably gets the sense that may not be what you are looking for so is backing off.

IAmWales

getmore4less wrote: »

chances are she gets desperate for a S**G every now and then, looking for a FWB or FB she can turn to.

probably gets the sense that may not be what you are looking for so is backing off.

You don't need to be desperate to have a friend with benefits, or multiple friends if that takes your fancy!

DonGotti

Thanks for your responses everybody. Of course I appreciate attraction is a personal thing and how a person feels changes constantly. The thing is the evening wasn't a disaster and she told me she liked it, which is why the step back seems a little strange. She's an honest and to the point person and I don't think she would worry about sparing my feelings.

I guess it's about getting my head about a person having differing levels of attractiveness and what they are prepared to do with someone. For me I wouldn't be attracted enough to kiss someone, but then say not sleep with them (i appreciate this may come across as someone bitter that they didn't get some that night, but I promise that isn't the case!).

caprikid1

Sometimes she gets Horny and thinks why not...


Other times she thinks you are not the one...


She's going to mess with your head !!!

DonGotti

caprikid1 wrote: »

She's going to mess with your head !!!

She already is - think I just need to accept she has made a choice and move on!