Relationship breakdown - 3 children currently in US but want to bring them back to UK

Mojisola

goochie wrote: »

In the US? Their green cards expire in October, so I think after this date they would have to leave the US anyway.

That could be a way to introduce the idea of moving to the UK to the kids - it's an official thing that they have to be prepared for.

thorsoak

This is a very sad situation - and I know of a similar situation which happened to my DD's friend (DD and family also live in the USA). In the case of DD's friend, she came back to the UK with two toddlers after her OH lost his job - in similar circumstances to the OP's friend - and the marriage broke down. They had lived abroad for 15 years (children were both born abroad but had UK passports all their lives)and despite the fact that she too had worked for 15 years before leaving her job to go abroad with OH, she'd paid no NI contributions for that time. She was denied all benefits until the divorce came through - she was able to get work fairly quickly and after two years was entitled to claim CB and WTC, She now advises all ex-pat wives to try and continue to pay NI contributions in the UK - just in case :-(

I do hope your friend manages to sort things out - it's going to be far harder for her with older children than it was for this lady with small children.

FBaby

If coming back is the only alternative, why is she not discussing it with her husband and kids? To start with, won't it be suspicious when she says she wants to go for a few weeks with the kids when they have supposedly no money to justify this holiday?

I personally think what she wants to do to be very nasty to her OH and kids. This is not about dealing with a difficult situation, this is taking the easy way out through a lie that will have significant implication. If she was my friend, I would do everything to encourage her to plan her move back in the open. In the end, there will come a time when they will have no choice but to do so anyway, so why take such drastic actions and make herself pass as a selfish calculating person?

However she tries to justify it, what she wants to do IS to kidnap the kids and as such, he will indeed be able to do something about it. Let's assume that he does manage to stay in the USA legally, how horrible will it be for your kids to try to settle in the UK with the constant dread that they might have to go back to the US, or if they are desperate to do so, having to live with the anticipation that it might happen, but might not. I don't think this is fair on kids that age at all.

[Deleted User]

FBaby wrote: »

If coming back is the only alternative, why is she not discussing it with her husband and kids? To start with, won't it be suspicious when she says she wants to go for a few weeks with the kids when they have supposedly no money to justify this holiday?
It is not the only alternative, the other is that her HB gets a job and a house rented for his family. They agreed that as her father is sick and she has not seen him for 3 years that she come back here with the kids for the summer, a family member is paying for the flights. All of this I have said before. They have nowhere to live from 30th June, she can't leave the kids in the US for the summer with their dad because he has to look for a job (and he doesn't have anywhere to live either at the moment), they have no childcare in the US.

I personally think what she wants to do to be very nasty to her OH and kids. This is not about dealing with a difficult situation, this is taking the easy way out through a lie that will have significant implication. If she was my friend, I would do everything to encourage her to plan her move back in the open. In the end, there will come a time when they will have no choice but to do so anyway, so why take such drastic actions and make herself pass as a selfish calculating person? We are all entitled to our personal opinions, I have plenty and a lot of them are not very "charitable" towards my friend and her HB, I am furious that they have got into this situation, it should never have happened, but at the end of the day, this is where they are at and I will do all I can (without bankrupting my family) to help them. This is not an easy way out, there is NO easy way out but for the sake of a couple of months before their green cards run out she is not going to fly back to the US and then have to find someone to pay for them all to come back again.

However she tries to justify it, what she wants to do IS to kidnap the kids and as such, he will indeed be able to do something about it. Let's assume that he does manage to stay in the USA legally, how horrible will it be for your kids to try to settle in the UK with the constant dread that they might have to go back to the US, or if they are desperate to do so, having to live with the anticipation that it might happen, but might not. I don't think this is fair on kids that age at all.

No, what she wants is for her family to be together in the US with a roof over their heads and food on the table and clothes on their backs, but she may have no choice in that matter so is looking at options in the UK, she would very much want her HB to come to the UK as well, however strained their relationship is, as she says "they are stronger together than apart for the sake of their kids future", if he can stay in the US legally it is because he will have a JOB, so there would be no need to move.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If she has a Green Card, then she should also be looking for a job. Whatever her husband says.

[Deleted User]

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

If she has a Green Card, then she should also be looking for a job. Whatever her husband says.

And who will drive their 3 kids to 3 different schools, up to an hour away, and their after school clubs, and who will look after them in the school holidays, HB disappears into the city for interviews and meetings most days. And she hasn't worked for 15 years, it is a lot easier said than done, she has more chance of old contacts in London possibly offering her freelance work but again, can't really get that ball rolling until the decision is made where they are going to live at the end of the summer.

thorsoak

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

If she has a Green Card, then she should also be looking for a job. Whatever her husband says.

Almost impossible to get a job as an ex-pat in the USA with only a few months left on their green cards.

Candyapple

Whose house is she planning to stay in whilst in the UK (herself and the 3 kids)?

You mentioned that her parents are divorced and her dad is ill, I'm going to assume that her mum lives alone, in which case would there be space for them all?

Whichever family member is willing to house the family, will they also have enough money to feed the family for months? (Claiming benefits etc. will take time). You mentioned that none of her family are exactly flush with money.

Whereabouts does the husband's family live in the UK? Would that be an option for them to live with his family instead?

I can assure you that she has had many frank discussions with her HB and his answer is "your negativity is not helpful, you have to believe in me".

HB disappears into the city for interviews and meetings most days.

Has he had some sort of breakdown perhaps? Surely he must see sense that with 3 kids to take care of, the odds of bagging a well paid job at his age and after being unemployed for 6 years is going to be slim to none. Do you think he would try and overstay his visa in the hopes of bagging this illusive job?

If he's out every day going to interviews and meetings, how has he not got a single job offer or any job at all, just to keep a roof over their heads since he's been unemployed?

[Deleted User]

Candyapple wrote: »

Whose house is she planning to stay in whilst in the UK (herself and the 3 kids)? She will base herself at her mums (single, 3 bedroom house) in London, but also spend part of the summer with her father and step-mother in Devon.

You mentioned that her parents are divorced and her dad is ill, I'm going to assume that her mum lives alone, in which case would there be space for them all? Yes

Whichever family member is willing to house the family, will they also have enough money to feed the family for months? (Claiming benefits etc. will take time). You mentioned that none of her family are exactly flush with money.

Whereabouts does the husband's family live in the UK? Would that be an option for them to live with his family instead? No idea, he is not close to his family, so don't think that's an option, his mother must be in her 80's, she is not going to want 3 kids in her house I seriously doubt, and they barely know her anyway.

Has he had some sort of breakdown perhaps? Surely he must see sense that with 3 kids to take care of, the odds of bagging a well paid job at his age and after being unemployed for 6 years is going to be slim to none. Do you think he would try and overstay his visa in the hopes of bagging this illusive job? No I don't think he will try to do that, but he is not prepared to "give in" at this stage and admit defeat.

If he's out every day going to interviews and meetings, how has he not got a single job offer or any job at all, just to keep a roof over their heads since he's been unemployed?

I am sure there are lots of reasons why he has not had full time work in 6 years, it wouldn't be prudent for me to speculate or to share those reasons on a forum, but I would say that he is used to a certain level of employment and status and I suspect that he was not prepared to take a step down. He has worked, but freelance and a couple of clients disappeared without paying him, but not enough work is/has come in to sustain them in the US, he has looked all over the US, they would re-locate if needed (or he would commute).

FBaby

The issue is not her intention to come back to the UK. This seems a totally reasonable decision considering the situation and who would argue with her? The issue is that she is planning to do this under a massive lie that she is only going, and taking her kids, on a holiday. This is pure deception and totally unfair.

Saying that, maybe she is not being totally honest with you, maybe the situation is not as critical as she claims, but is saying so to get the support to do what she wants to do rather than what she has to do.