When things hit rock bottom the only answer is to fight the way back up...

Hiddenidenity

Toni'sfriend wrote: »

Can I ask if your mother knows just how bad things are for you just now? Is she in difficult financial circumstances herself?

She knows the debt and the extent we struggle etc. Tbh she probably knows too much I'm always moaning to her

No she isn't, she's far better off financially than she's ever been. My dad passed away 2009 which saw her mortgage free and a payout enough to live quite comfortable/buy a new car etc and he had things in place that give her an income from his death till hers. She's met a new partner who's now her husband who is a high earner she sold her house and moved in his mortgage free again. She also went back to work full time because she was bored :rotfl: so she's definitely stable financially. I'm actually really glad about this because growing up she was just like I am now. All my childhood they had debts and bailiffs etc it's lovely to see her enjoying life and being happy

Hiddenidenity

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

How about starting up a notebook/spreadsheet to record payments you have made to various things and when so you can keep track of how much you owe and have paid? I think using the paypal money to pay your council tax is a good idea.

Leaving the laptop fund until you have got your budget working for a month or so is a good idea. It will soon be the summer holidays so maybe aiming for a refurbished one by September would be a target?

I'm going to have a trawl through for a spreadsheet app that's free and easy to use on my phone. Good idea. I have an organiser that does include a lot of rambling about debt etc but I must admit some weeks I'm awful at keeping track

I think September is a more realistic aim isn't it. Walk before I can run I don't want to let DS down. Failing as a mum is something that worries me

Toni'sfriend

Yes it is good that she is enjoying life and being happy and I'm not suggesting for one moment that you don't pay her and your stepfather back but I don't really understand why she is pushing for this to be paid back right away when it obviously makes such a big difference to your situation. Have you actually sat down and explained all the things you're trying to do to make things right.

enthusiasticsaver

I would have hoped your mum would be a little more patient if she does not need to be paid straight away.

I don't think you should worry about letting your kids down. Same goes for buying toys for your youngest if the budget does not stretch to it. Maybe one charity shop toy a month if you can afford it. You are putting a roof over their head, they are clothed, warm and fed and loved. Teaching them that you have to live within a budget is a good life lesson. You know from experience what living in a family with debt collectors at the door is like and you are trying to avoid that. That is the most important thing.

Keep checking freecycle for laptops in the meantime and as you say maybe survey money can go towards it once the priority payments are sorted. If your mum is offering you a free holiday for half term I would take it and don't feel guilty. She can obviously afford it

Toni'sfriend

Absolutely agree with everything enthusiasticsaver has said.

Hiddenidenity

My stepdad is amazing. The £1000 I owe him was bills he covered while we where on a long stay with youngest in hospital 18 months ago and he's in no rush at all to have this back. Same for my Aunt. They basically took over my older two and the house for near on 5 months and both have said do not worry at all until I'm sorted enough to afford it.

The kids are quite good around toys/expecting things tbh. They only get 'treats' at the end of a school term if they've done 100% attendance (£2 each to spend on what they like DD usually some sort of figures/teddies from salvation army and DS usually chooses books from there) they understand that toys etc are gifts for Xmas/birthdays. Something they want/something they need/something to wear and something to read is usually the motto for Xmas.

Youngest gets mainly hand me downs even at birthday and Xmas however when she has the big appointments like tomorrow's she usually chooses something like a teddy/sweets etc around £5? In town. It's a long hard day for us so can't imagine what she feels like being prodded/poked and scans etc. She doesn't expect it she's only 3 so doesn't understand butbeing organised this time means I have a small teddy and a packet of her favourite sweets and juice for once she's out of scans. She's nil by mouth till they are done.

The holiday hasn't been mentioned since. However if it gets to the half term and she asks I think we will tag along on the understanding I will do her chores etc in return for the treat rather than paying a small amount to the cost. She keeps asking me to do her cleaning/ironing/gardening for a small amount in return? The odd £5/£10 maybe I should revisit this offer and take it up?

Toni'sfriend

I don't really know what to make of your relationship with your mother. I'm assuming that she hasn't approved of the some of choices you've made and she's tried to help you out in the past but things haven't worked out.

Hiddenidenity

Toni'sfriend wrote: »

I don't really know what to make of your relationship with your mother. I'm assuming that she hasn't approved of the some of choices you've made and she's tried to help you out in the past but things haven't worked out.

Nothing I ever do will be good enough for my mother. I left home at nearly 14 to move in with OH. Our relationship before leaving where very strained because I didn't agree with some well a lot of her views on things. I think from then on she always expected me to go running back 'needing her' and tbh I never did no matter how stuck I was I'd rather starve than ask my mum for help. Along came DS in 2009 a good 5 years after and my dad passed the same month which did bring us closer but because she needed me to help with things.

Fast forward to now we still have a strained relationship. Things happened in my childhood that I felt she didn't deal with as a parent should. I'm excepting I nor she can change this now but I won't ever forget if that makes sense.

She has helped since youngest came along in the sense she will have the children when I'm in hospital with youngest however she 'charges for this' hence what I owe her. No matter how small from 3p to £300 she will always hold it over me that she's helped and uses this at every opportunity to remind me.

I've never brought trouble to her/been in trouble with the law etc and nearly always even if that's with debt stood on my own from 14. So I'm not quite sure where I've let her down tbh but I can't change her view no matter how hard I try.

Hiddenidenity

Sorry life story there you don't need to read

Toni'sfriend

My apologies. I assumed that she had helped you out financially before and that's where the debt to her had come from. I don't think you've let her down. In fact, I would say it seems the other way around. You seem to have had a very difficult childhood and I can identify with that. Nothing I ever did was good enough either and my mother took every opportunity to belittle me but expected me to be at her beck and call. Things happened and she didn't address them at all. I'm much older than you and have moved on to a certain extent but it still makes me angry and hurts. Have you thought about counseling (I'm sensing a particular trauma). I never did but I think it might have helped. Sorry if I'm being too personal.